"In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes"

Tomorrow morning, I'm getting up at the crack of dawn to drive my daughter to college. She spent the last semester going to a community college, and decided to transfer to a school out of state for the spring semester. The emotions running through me right now are overwhelming, obviously. My girls and I have always been close, and through 12 years of it being "just us" I'm not sure how to let one of them go. I know I have to, and I will. I'll even help her set up her apartment with pretty things and take her shopping for her schoolbooks with enthusiasm. We'll walk around her campus and hit all the cool college hangouts while we're there - last time when we out there to check out the campus, she even got me into a hookah bar, which I don't see myself repeating.

I'm just pretty sure that the entire drive home for me on Wednesday will be a six hour drive that's full of tears. I've made my daughters my whole life for so long that I'm afraid of what happens now. I still have my baby at home, but what do we do now that one of us will be gone? I've always known that the reason I was put on this earth was to raise these two girls. In response to people asking about me getting remarried, I've always said, "I have two girls to raise. I'll think about it after that." It's the best thing I've ever done for them and for me. I'm beyond thankful for our relationship.

"This miracle God gave to me
gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes"

Tomorrow's drive would have been hard under normal circumstances, but it's even worse right now. It's worse because I don't want to do it. Not because I'm afraid of letting her live on her own, or even because I'm afraid I'm going to miss her so much it will paralyze me. Those things worry me, yes. But right now, I'm sad to say that I just don't want to GIVE to her anymore. I don't feel this way very often, but the last couple of weeks have been sad and shocking. I've seen a side of her that for the first time in her life, I can honestly say, I'm ashamed of. I'm a single mom - a single mom whose ex-husband will not contribute one penny towards this move, or this education. He's never contributed to her college fund (which thanks to out of state tuition will be drained after one semester, and then we're at the mercy of financial aid). He is not contributing to her rent, books, living expenses - yeah, pretty much nothing at all. It's just me. I'm a little pissed off at him for it, but it doesn't diminish the fact that it needs to be paid for. It's not like after all these years it surprises me. I'm going to be putting out so much more money every month to send her to school, that for the first time since my very early and very poor single mom days, my youngest daughter and I have moved into an apartment. I would think that my oldest daughter would be aware of this - that she would see a certain amount of sacrifice and be at least a little thankful. Sadly, she's just not. I know this move and this transition isn't just about me. I'm not one to look at her and say, "Look at all the sacrifice I've made for you over the years!" But come on... Like I said, I've seen a side of her over the last couple of weeks that makes me ashamed that a child I raised could be so self-centered. During our entire move, she was not only useless, she was actually a liability. She made things harder on me during a time that was stressful enough. So stressful that I finally told her I would not be driving her to school now or at any time in the future if she didn't get off her ass and contribute to the work that needed to be done NOW. It was way worse than I can communicate here. It was the worst interaction she and I have ever had in her 18 years - and that speaks volumes. The worst part is, I sit around blaming myself for not raising her with a stronger work ethic. I've been mulling over for days how my entire family has always treated her like the Golden Child and pampered the crap out of her for so long that she's come to expect it. She has shirked all responsibility in this move and school transfer. Yet I force myself to keep going forward for her, keep trying to help her, in the back of my mind knowing that this mindset has resulted in the very problem I'm complaining about. I have no clue how to fix this except to let her sink or swim. Let her go out on her own and make it work, even if means talking her through the times when she inevitably falls on her face; bailing her out when I feel the lesson has been learned. It's my job. It IS what I signed up for. It IS what I committed to, even when I just feel so done.

"It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes"

As much as I feel like it sometimes, I know I'll never give up. Every parent knows that he or she will never give up. After all the ranting and raving, all the moaning and groaning, all the blog venting, the truth is...she's my baby. I will love her through her selfishness, through her self-centeredness, through her 18 year old narcissism. She's part of me. Although she's my frustration, she's also my pride and joy. She's my flesh and blood. She's my baby. My firstborn. My hope.

She's my golden child.

"In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes"