Random Memory

I was in Newport Beach yesterday at a very expensive tennis club, liked you'd expect to find in Newport Beach. I was a guest obviously, and met a woman who like me had grown up sailing with her dad. There were a few flags flying overhead and the sound of the wind blowing the rope against the flagpole sounded just like when rigging on a boat hits the mast. If you've been around boats, you know it's a sound that you can't escape at the harbor. To me, it's music to my ears. It instantly relaxes me. Growing up, I spent almost every weekend at the harbor on our family's sailboat. The picture above is where our boat was docked. Beautiful, isn't it? I was so lucky to have grown up with such beautiful surroundings. We sailed to Catalina and took many day trips, but even if we never took the boat out, we would spend the weekend fixing something on it or cleaning it, etc. I should say my dad did that, while my sister and I laid on the dock getting suntans waiting for the BBQ to be ready. I have so many memories on that boat - some amazing, some not so great. One time, we sailed to Catalina and my dad dove into the harbor and found us some abalone for dinner which we cooked on the boat (seems I'm allergic to abalone, as we soon found out, but the experience was great!). My sister and I learned the hard way that Ban de Soliel orange gelee needs to be rubbed in evenly or you're likely to get fake tanned fingerprints on your legs. :)
When I was 10 years old, it was on that boat where my dad told my sister and I that he and my mom were separating. I remember thinking, "If you're leaving, why can't you take me with you?" But I never verbalized it. Not long after that, I remember sitting on the back of the boat with my feet in the water, and my Walkman cassette player on. My eyes were closed as I was listening to whatever new Elton John album had just come out, and in my mind I was lost in a song called Cold as Christmas. Every once in awhile, I hear a song that I would describe as "haunting". This was one of those for me. I remember thinking how it was so my parents, so much my family.

"The temperature's up to ninety five
But there's a winter look in your mother's eyes
And to melt the tears there's a heat wave here
So how come it's cold as Christmas in the middle of the year?"

I can't hear that song without going back to that boat, with my feet hanging over the edge into the water of Dana Point harbor. I can't hear the sounds of the harbor without remembering that song and that moment.

My parents divorce wasn't particularly traumatic for me, and neither was that moment. In fact, I remember feeling very peaceful then - the feeling of the water and the music and the sun so perfect. It does surprise me, however, the vividness of that memory.

Why I Hate Mother's Day...

I've said it before...I dread Mother's Day every year. For one simple reason - my mother is not normal. Trust me. She's so not normal that my brother and sister bailed years ago, moving 3,000 and 400 miles away, leaving me alone to fend for myself with our mom. Sure, every once in awhile they'll call me and thank me for taking it for the team, but it could never make up for the insanity that living in such close proximity to my mom brings into my life.

One of the problems with my mom is that she gauges how much I love her by how much I do for her, buy for her, spend on her, etc. on holidays and birthdays. I've been a mom myself for 18 years, but she manages to make Mother's Day all about her every year and never even mentions that I'm also a mom and may want to spend the day celebrating MY family. I always have to make plans that she thinks sufficiently spoil her, and she never even offers to pick up the tab even though I'm a mom too and deserve it once a year. Mother's Day every year entails brunch AND dinner at nice restaurants.

Last year, she was out of town for Mother's Day and my girls and I had the best day we'd had in a long time. We went to L.A. and window shopped on Rodeo Drive and then had a great lunch at one of the restaurants there. No pressure, no stress, no mom. The girls could feel the difference too and commented on how relaxing this Mother's Day actually was. The woman even drives them nuts. My mom got home about a week later and on the way home from the airport asked me what we were going to do for Mother's Day. Mother's Day was over! The not so thinly veiled message was, "I wasn't here for you to do anything for me on Mother's Day, so how are you going to make it up to me?" I had been laid off from my job two months before, money was tight, and did I mention - Mother's Day was over!! So I said, "You know Mom, the girls and I had a really quiet Mother's Day this year and since money is really tight, we didn't even go out to dinner. I know I usually take you out to dinner each year, but this year I can't really afford to, so if you want to (still) celebrate Mother's Day - a week later! - you're going to have to pick up the check for dinner." Her response? "NO! It's Mother's Day! If you can't afford to take me to dinner, you can just make me dinner." The fact that my mom has more money than God notwithstanding, her response just pissed me off. For me to say no would put into motion a chain of events that would be absolutely intolerable. It would be a relationship ending scenario. I've tried, not caring that I would finally have the albatross off my neck, but she gets weird by doing things like showing up to the girls schools to see them as if she's been banned from their lives, representing herself as the abandoned grandmother. Drama overflows during situations like that.

Yesterday, I ran into her while I was out running errands - shitty luck, I mean this isn't frickin' Mayberry! - and she asked about Mother's Day. It just reminded me again that every year I am stuck with dealing with this woman's expectations. I said, "Mom, this year is going to be different. I can't afford dinner, I can't afford anything. Sorry, that's just the way it is right now. So I decided for Mother's Day this year, you can come over in the morning and I'll make something small for brunch and we'll just be really low key at home." The beginning of her response gave me hope..."Well, Steph, you've always gone way out of your way for Mother's Day for me. You've always made great plans and taken me to really nice places and I can tell you've put a lot of thought into it in the past..." I'm thinking there's hope here... "So if all you can do this year is make brunch at home, I guess I would be OK with that." Argghhh..

Any suggestions? Do you know a guy who knows a guy? I know I need to grow a pair and just be honest. But really, if she just got a wild hair and decided to move to the east coast to be closer to my brother and his daughter, that would be OK, too.

The only thing that made me smile about this today, is of course, John. I texted him my frustration and he replied, "I'm guessing it has to do with the fact that you're the one left holding the bag on Mother's Day...no pun intended." HA! Love that guy!

Yeahhhhhh, babyyyyyy.......

Obama is in the White House and the Pittsburgh Steelers just won the Super Bowl.

'09 is shaping up pretty nicely so far!

In the Name of Forced Family Traditions...

I have these bowls (and if that's not an attention grabber, I don't know what is). I call them the "Grammie Bowls". I don't call them that because they belonged to my grandmother - who I called Grammie. I call them that because they remind me of her. As soon as I saw them I had to have them. This picture doesn't even do them justice. Yes, I'm that excited about my bowls.
Anyway, when I bought them, I immediately called them the Grammie Bowls which left my daughters a little confused, knowing they never belonged to the woman they knew as Grammie. I had to explain to them that when I'm dead - after years of their kids calling me Grammie - and they're baking with their daughters, they'll use these bowls and say, "Oh look...these were Grammie's favorite bowls." And if they have a little chip on them, well they'll be just that much more charming, won't they? In my mind, that's just the sweetest of memories. Rolling their eyes, my girls aren't exactly catching the vision. Brats. But others have. Sometimes when I'm serving chips in them when I have people over, someone might randomly say, "It's the Grammie Bowls!"
They know.

On a side note, I joined this group of women called Operation Baking GALS (GALS standing for Give A Little Support). It started online and over 100 women bake cookies once a month and send them to the troops in Iraq; sharing a little bit of homemade love to those who so deserve it. I'm honored to be part of it. If anyone out there loves to bake and feels like joining, follow that link. :)

So I set out yesterday to bake three different kinds of cookies. I have been told that I make the best oatmeal cookies this side of, well...the moon. So off I go, baking away, when what do I notice? There's a crack in one of the Grammie Bowls!! I turn it over to see if it has cracked all the way through, and it has! I'm pretty much beside myself at this point, filling the bowl with water to see if the crack is going to leak. Luckily it doesn't, but I still am overwhelmed by the tragedy. I hear my oldest daughter come in the house, walk right by the kitchen without stopping in to talk to me, and then head upstairs to her room. By the time I'm over the temporarily paralyzing trauma of finding the crack, I stomp up to my daughters room. She's trying to take a nap and doesn't even open her eyes when I walk in. How can she sleep at a time like this?! My part of the following converasation was in a voice that I'm pretty sure only dogs could hear, but this is how it went...after I stomped across the room to her bed...
"Boo, wake up!! You didn't even come in the kitchen to say hi to me, and I have news!" Not even opening her eyes, she says, "What's wrong?" to which I screech, "THERE'S A CRACK IN ONE OF THE GRAMMIE BOWLS!!"
At this point, she's smart enough to open her eyes and feign concern. "Really? What happened?" I responded (in my dogs are only hearing this voice), "I DON'T KNOW!! I just found a crack in it a little while ago and not a little chip like we thought would be cute and add character but a real crack that goes all the way through and I'm not even close to being dead yet!"
"Wow, that sucks."
"IIIIIIIII KNOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!" At which point I stomp out of her room.
I get to the hallway, stop in my tracks and yell, "Wait a minuteeeeee......WHICH PART SUCKS?!"
Smartass.

Heaven

There's a country song that says, "If Heaven were an hour it would be twilight, when the fireflies start their dancing on the lawn." I love that. When asked if there would be dogs in Heaven, Billy Graham replied that since Heaven was supposed to be filled with that which makes us happy, and his dog makes him happy, then yes. There will be dogs in Heaven. I know when we get there we will feel no pain, only joy. But some things do make us more joyful than others, don't they? Which ones would we choose if we could make that choice? I could use a little piece of Heaven right now. I know it will be exponentially better than anything I can imagine right now. Imagine how safe and secure, and loved, we will feel in the presence of God.

But if I could fill Heaven with little pieces of life on Earth, what would it look like? I think Heaven should be filled with sweet little children running through the sprinklers, squealing with delight. And forget the harp music. Maybe some Norah Jones for the soundtrack, or Kenny Chesney singing songs that he wrote just for me. If the weather turns cold and windy, George Winston will definitely be there with his giant blue grand piano. It would be nice if the voice of God were a young Robert Redford. Or James Earl Jones - soothing yet strong and safe. Heaven would be filled with deep purple lisianthus and pink peonies. There would be an endless supply of blackberry pie, and my grandmother's cooking. She would be there too, doing what she loved best. She would tell me all the stories about her childhood. And this time I would listen, instead of secretly rolling my eyes and cursing my sister for not being the one who got "caught" by Grandma's stories that day. She would always smell exactly the way I remember her. My dad would be there, and he would be teaching me how to dance like he did when I was 13 years old and nervous about my first high school dance. He would show no signs of aging, just the young exuberant man he has always been. I could sail with my dad and my brother every day if I wanted, because the water and wind would always be perfect. My girls wouldn't be there yet, but when they got there we would all sing songs together before we fell asleep, like we did when they were very small. There will be an endless loop of 'Life is Beautiful' playing, even though I would probably change the ending a bit. There would be a French cafe on every corner that served chocolate crepes and good Champagne. And all the French bread and Mimolette cheese I could eat. We could see the Big Dipper, the Southern Cross, and all of the other constellations close up. And I'm pretty sure I could talk God into letting me float around the brightest part of the Milky Way for awhile.

I know I'm dreaming and not dreaming nearly big enough. Like I said, it will be beyond our wildest imaginations. But it was fun to imagine for just a few minutes.

fin·ished (fĭn'ĭsht)

v. intr.

1. To come to an end; stop.
2. To reach the end of a task, course, or relationship.

A couple of years ago, someone tagged me to do a certain post answering various questions. I don't remember all of the questions, but one of my answers is something that I have thought of most of my entire adult life. The question was "When do you know it's love?" And here was my answer...
"When you realize that the other person's baggage is not a deal breaker, when you run to the front door every time that person walks in, when you see the future and they're in it." Obviously relationships are much more complicated than that, but love...I think it's pretty simple.

However, recently I realized that no matter how long or how strongly I've believed otherwise - love is simply not enough. When I worked in ministry years ago, a friend of mine was the pastor who officiated the wedding of some of our mutual friends. During the ceremony he said, "Marriage is two people becoming one, and that ONE is always the other person." Wow. Can you visualize a relationship as unselfish as that? A relationship where you continually put the other person before yourself and you can trust them to do the same for you? I can. I have ever since then. I think this is why I've remained single all of these years. I'm holding out for that kind of selflessness, that kind of mutual respect and that kind of honor.

I'm having to say goodbye to someone who I have loved for years. Yeah I know...who knew? It wasn't something I felt comfortable writing about on this blog. It was shaky from the very beginning, a roller coaster really. The love was there, but that type of "oneness" wasn't. Realizing what was lacking is what's making me walk away now. Finally. Finally finished. It's been years. Most of my friends are just frustrated with me and for me because it's been so long. It's why no one else I ever dated stood a chance against this person coming in and out of my life. And until now, I never stood a chance in any other relationship. But now I feel comfortable and right with this decision, which is more than I have been able to say in the past. So many times in life you just have to take the long way. It's part of our imperfect emotional structure. I walked away before because I felt I HAD to. I knew I SHOULD. But I kept going back because we loved each other. I realize I knew all along that it wasn't enough, but you know how these things work out - you gotta go through the crap. You gotta sift through the muck before you realize you're never going to find the treasure.

What I know is that I still love my answer about love. I mean it as much as I meant it when I wrote it almost three years ago. But I'm amending it a little to include being "present". Showing up. Paying attention. Live selflessly. Put love before fear.

This has been such a long time coming. It had to happen before I could ever find a love that I know I deserve and know I can reciprocate. Now I know that my future will be with someone else who can give me all those things. And I can honestly say - my future is lookin' bright! :)

Arrrgggghhhhhh...

I hate sleeping. It's just pure frustration. I can't do it, so I hate it. Sleep should be a good thing, right? I should look forward to it and wake up feeling refreshed.
I can't fall asleep at night, so I have to take something to keep me from being up for days. I've tried everything on the market, and the one I take works the best, but still not that well. I wake up too early, I can't fall back to sleep.

I hate it.

Last night was a typical night's sleep.
I started out reading and/or watching TV, which I have to do to make my mind tired enough to fall asleep. I turn on my nature sounds of a rainstorm to block out any other noises (my ideal sleeping conditions would be an abandoned mine shaft somewhere, where there was absolutely no light and no sound for miles). And I fall asleep. For a few hours if I'm lucky. But now I've not fallen asleep until well after midnight and wake up at the crack of dawn. I try to will myself back to sleep. I try relaxation excercises like concentrating on every part of my body falling asleep. I focus on the sound of the rainstorm and it is comforting for awhile. If I have to go to the bathroom, I don't - because I know that I can put myself back to sleep no matter how bad that particular problem is, but if I get up, I'm awake for good. When the sun comes up, I have to make sure I'm facing a certain way because my blinds suck and the light keeps me awake.

There is just so much noise. Just noise.

The sound of the spa pump coming on, then I anticipate the sprinklers; both things I've tried to change but am electronically inept enough to have no success so far. There's the neighbors dog barking. I want to kill him. Sometimes he gets my dog going and she runs outside to start barking. If I lock her dog door at night, she sits in the house and barks. Noise.

And now I'm awake enough to start thinking. Crap.

I think about everything - my kids and what they are going through at the moment, my job situation, my relationships, my bills. Good things, bad things. All things.

I can't turn it off.

I.just.hate.sleeping.

Oh, To Be Young and Entitled

My 17 year old thinks her dad is going to buy her a Mercedes for her first car. She thinks that because he said he would. Daughters have always had powerful manipulative skills with their fathers and she is no exception.
This is a girl who has pretty much had everything handed to her all her life, and trust me when I say that I take my share of the responsibility. That's what parenting out of fear gets you.

I've raised her by myself since she was old enough to walk (although her father and I were married until she was six years old, as a parent, sadly he was less than useless).
Over the years most of my parenting has been based on these two questions...
1)What did my mother say to me in this situation that made me never want to discuss anything important with her ever again? and...
2)What do I wish she would have said?
Well, that's nice in theory. And I must admit that due to my lack of over-reaction, I have a daughter who tells me more than most - the good, the bad and the ugly. She's told me some things that made me want to plug my ears and hum "Oh Happy Day" until she stopped talking. And I'm thankful for that part of our relationship. The downside is that when you parent out of fear, you're always one step behind the teenager. They can smell it and they immediately start circling the waters.

Then they think they own you.

And apparently, if you're her father, the next thing you know, you're promising them a Mercedes.

This is a girl who has never had a job. My first legal job was when I was 14 at Del Taco down the street. I walked there four days a week in my dorky little uniform, just so proud that I had a job. I say my first "legal" job, because when I was 13, some lady who owned a children's boutique hired me to stock shoes for 10 hours a week and paid me under the table. The point is that I had the balls to go into that boutique and ask her for a job. She recognized this and respected it. So she gave me a job that she probably never even needed filled and taught me a great lesson about taking initiative.

Anyone who knows me knows that I would rather dive head first into my own vomit before I admit to my mother doing something right as a parent. She's the "What Not To Wear" of parenting. But to give credit where credit is due, that woman taught me about initiative and hard work. She talked me into walking into that boutique at 13, because I had nothing to lose (she also talked me into stowing away on a cruise ship and tried to get me to move to Hawaii during a family vacation when I was 18, but that's a whole 'nother post). So why didn't I get that parenting gene? FEAR!
First and foremost, in fear of "becoming" my mother (orphaned Tupperware lids aside), I threw the baby out with the bathwater. Second, fear of losing my daughter - forcing her out of her comfort zone to the point that her reaction was to blame me for the discomfort. The same person, who at 13 boldly walked into a store asking for a job, now at 41 is sometimes unable to stand up to her 17 year old daughter. Out of fear. Don't get me wrong, she doesn't walk all over me, but this issue is not only present, it's rearing its ugly head right about now.

So now she feels entitled. To a Mercedes. To car insurance. To a gas card.

Now, there is no way I will let this happen, and after today she knows it. Her attitude towards the car and all the accessories - her basically sitting back and waiting for it all to be handed to her - is what has kept me from getting her driver's license thus far, even though she's over 17. But I can't ignore how we got here.

I know I'm venting and this post doesn't really do her justice. As far as teenagers go, she's put me through very little stress. She's very loving, she's honest, she respects my rules even though her curfew is earlier than her friends (I checked). This is the only area in which she and I will go to the mat. But oh boyyyy do we.

But I do have to wonder - how do I undo the damage that I have most certainly contributed to?

What I Did On My Summer Vacation (Part 1)

I just got back from Lake Havasu where I spent 5 days on a big boat doing nothing, stressing about nothing, thinking about NOTHING! It was a beautiful 5 days. But one more day, and I would have looked like this...



...and that's never good. My youngest daughter went with me for the first 4 days and then her sister joined us for the last day and night. Look at my little cutie - she's turning into such a big girl...



Alright, now a confession...and this one is sure to win me Mother of the Year for the 17th straight year in a row. It even beats the time I let my little girl walk around on a broken leg for three days, and the time I didn't realize that her hand was broken the first time until she broke it the second time a month later. Yeah, this is a good one. In my last post, ya know how I mention that the girls and I kind of have a song that means something to the three of us? Well, my girls have always said they wanted to get the word STAND tattood on them somewhere. Yeah, what is it with kids today and tattoos? Don't they realize they're permanent? These are little people who don't realize one day they'll have to get A JOB! Well, I broke down - big time. We all got 'em. Yup, even I am the proud owner of a brand new - permanent - tattoo that says Stand. I know, I know! But I got sucked into the whole bonding thing with my babies. And it's on my foot, so hopefully shoes will cover it. But why couldn't anyone have warned me that it was going to hurt like a mother??!! It's supposed to be a purple-y chrome-ish color, but it just looks red because no one told me it was gonna bleed!



So if you're watching the news tonight, watch for the story about the crazy mom who got arrested for letting her 13-year-old daughter get a tattoo! Then come bail me out.

John Rocks

So John reminded me the other day that I haven't blogged in over a year. I actually have a couple of posts saved to drafts that I may get around to finishing soon. But for now, let me say a sincere thank you to everyone who was concerned about my daughter Olivia. In my last post from over a year ago, she was being tested for Hodgkins (see below), and we discovered that she does not have it. We never figured out exactly what she did have, just that it was probably something fungal (eww...) or viral that has already run it's course. After the oncologist, we took her to an infectious disease specialist and by the time a couple of months passed, he had NO idea what we had been dealing with except that it was gone. The only remnant is the fact that she's had a hard time putting the weight back on. That's a bummer because she eats like a horse and is still a size nothing on her fat days. But thank you so much to everyone who wrote, prayed, and generally loved us through it. It was absolutely invaluable to me.

So before I post my adventure filled update on 'What I did on my summer vacation (thus far)', let me share this little gem that John turned me onto...It's a mix of my favorite songs. I have a thousand and one favorite songs, so I picked just six that have significant meaning for me. I'll try to explain why in as short order as possible (you know how I get)...

Thunder Road - Bruce Springsteen
I chose this because a couple of my other favorites by him (like Jungleland) weren't available. This reminds me so much of high school and college and a thousand great times. I also grew up playing the piano, and this song has some of the best rock piano I have ever heard.

Stand - Rascal Flatts
My daughters and I have spent almost their whole lives with it being just the three of us and this is our anthem. When things suck particularly bad for one of us, and life knocks us on our ass, the other two will lift her up by saying, "We're Flynn girls. We Stand."
Here's the chorus:
"When push comes to shove,
you taste what you're made of.
You might bend 'til you break,
'cause it's all you can take.
On your knees you look up,
decide you've had enough.
You get mad, you get strong,
Wipe your hands, shake it off,
Then you STAND."

Refine Me - Jennifer Knapp
So hard to pick just one by her. She's a Christian singer/songwriter who's about as deep as they come. I love her music. This is a terrible recording of a beautiful and profound song that reminds me that I am not the boss of me, and I do such a crappy job when I try to be.

Anything But Mine - Kenny Chesney
Awww...this songs reminds me so much of someone from the east coast who I spent a very sweet two weeks with several years ago. He left to go home and we parted with love and respect for each other that has remained over the years. It's about someone leaving to go home the next day after a beautiful summer romance and it makes me think of my friend every time I hear it. I've seen him a couple of times since then, and it will never go anywhere, but what a sweet memory. :)

My One True Friend - Bette Midler
I'm one of the rare people of my generation to truly love her music and crazy style. This song reminds me of my deep deep love for my sister, and that if any human being would go to the ends of the earth for me, it is her. It talks about forgiveness, but I've never had to forgive her for anything - very rare between sisters. But she has been endlessly patient with me. Knowing she's there makes me feel safe and like I always have a home.

Hey There, Delilah - Plain White T's
Shouldn't this be called Hey There, Stephanie? Really. :) If this song were written for you while you we're in college, would you not just die for the romance of it? It reminds me of young, sweet, blind adoration and I love it!!

If you only want a snippet of each song, hold your cursor over the bottom of the tape and a menu bar will pop up.

Hope you enjoy them.

By the way, the picture on the tape is of my youngest daughter and her friends playing at the beach and I just thought it was cute. But now that I see it again I'm really just thinking, "skinny little brats." ;)

Not sure how to start this, so I just will. Obviously I haven't posted for awhile, but I know I have blogger friends out there that would care about what I'm about to say, so I'll just jump in...

Last Friday my oldest daughter had a surgical biopsy for what her doctors are assuming is Hodgkins Lymphoma. It's been going on for about four months now, leading to the biopsy on Friday. The good news is that it's highly curable, as her oncologist confirmed last week. The bad news is that it is a form of cancer and treatment for it would very traumatic, even though the prognosis for this type is very good. After four months of doctors, tests, CT Scans, etc., I feel like we're finally in capable hands. The first time we met her oncologist, he hugged her and kissed her forehead and said, "Don't worry sweetie. I'll treat you as if you were my own little girl." He's my new hero.

When we went for her pre-op appointment last week, I took this picture with her holding her urine sample in her lap. Yeah, I know it's gross. And the look on her face indicates that she thinks she's surrounded by idiots! :)



Then we went to the biopsy at 6 AM Friday morning. Here she is in her little purple hospital gown. The picture isn't very clear - I took it on my cellphone.



The doctor removed three lymph nodes. One to send for cultures, two to send to pathology, looking for Hodgkins and other types of lymphoma. We won't get the results for about a week. At times I have so much to say about this, and normally I would give a lot more details. Now I'm just really tired. I'll try to write more about it later. For now I would appreciate your prayers.

Thanks.

Get The H&%# Away From My Daughter!

My daughter turned 16 a couple of weeks ago. Last Saturday, we had a Sweet 16 Party for her at a local Italian restaurant. Too late to lock her up isn't it?
We rented out half of a restaurant, hired a DJ and invited 100 of her closest friends(!). Thankfully, only about 60 showed up, but she had a great time! She wanted a Tiffany's themed party, so we threw a bunch of fake pearls and diamonds on the tables and I made a couple of cakes in the shape of Tiffany boxes. Here they are...


I was stoked - everyone thought they were presents! I took a picture of what my kitchen looked like after I finished with the cakes - I'll post that soon. It's hilarious! By the time I was done, I was covered in powdered sugar from my hair down the front of my jeans.

I could not believe the way teenagers dance these days. I was totally shocked, and my ex-husband wasn't exactly happy about it either. He spent most of the night getting between our daughter and some gropey little hormonal teenagers. One of them even tried coming up behind me and getting way too close. Little horndogs. In spite of all that, we had so much fun! But by far, the highlight of the night was that I got asked out by the way hot owner of the restaurant. This guy......



Uh-huh. This picture is from when the restaurant was written up in a local magazine. I played hard to get for about a minute and a half.

I'll keep you posted. Or maybe not... ;)

Why Do I Love This One So Much?

Because of text conversations like this...
(By the way, she's "BOO")

BOO: just wanted to let you know I ditched 7th. I'm going to in n out. Love you. See u later tonight!

ME: Better be kidding.

BOO: I am. I'm in spanish right now. I just wanted u to think I was a bad kid :)

ME: No chance of that.

BOO: hahaha gracias :)

Me: I love you.

BOO: love you too. Can I be home at 1130 if I'm not too tired? PLEASE!!!Pretty please with cherries on top my most prettyful mommy dearest!!

ME: Tell me I'm the best mommy in the whole world and you want to grow up to be just like me. Oh yeah, and I'm a really good dancer!

BOO: duh, I was already saying those things to my teacher I just didn't want to over-do it. I was totally saying it tho!! Haha :)

ME: That's a good girl. ;-) Ok, you can stay 'til 1130.

BOO: Yayaya! Thank you mommy I love.

ME: You're welcome, baby doll that I love back.

YES!! I know it's enough to give you a cavity, but she's going to be 16 in one week!!! I have to hang on to this AS LONG AS POSSIBLE!!!!! I have to hang on to the sickeningly sweet stuff while she's still not embarrassed that she has a mom.

Why, God?

Why does she have to get so big? She's my baby, the one who is supposed to stay little forever. Why does she have to be so pretty? Why does she have to have those amazing blue eyes that are just going to make boys want her when she older? What am I saying - she already has boys asking her to be their girlfriend. And she said yes to one of them! That's not okay.

And she's such a stud. She's wearing motocross gear in this picture because she rides her own motorcycle! In fact, two weeks ago (at the end of this particular trip) she broke her nose. And it still didn't make her ugly. Why?

Her older sister is already a knock out. I don't like it, but I've accepted it. This little cutie was always my baby - the one who still holds my hand every time we ride in the car. The one who can't go to sleep if I don't tuck her in at night. The one who, before I close her door at night, says, "Goodnight, Best Friend."

But now she has movie nights with her friends. She wants to be dropped off at the mall (thankfully, not two blocks away yet). This morning on the way to school she informed me that she and her "boyfriend" have been going out for a month. What?! I don't like it.

So God, if you're listening...and I know you are...please keep her little just a while longer. Let her keep calling me Mommy, even between motocross races. Keep that sincere joy that she exudes every day intact. And please keep those blue eyes shining with love and innocence.

Thank You.

They Say I'll Laugh About This One Day...

I haven't been around for awhile. I've been too busy getting my sorry ass fired from the most lucrative position I've ever had. It was the proverbial "perfect storm" of the workplace. Everything coming together at all the right times, from all the right angles to create total destruction. Yeah, kind of a bummer. But hey, everyone keeps telling me to consider it a learning experience. And I must say that the biggest lesson I learned is as follows...

1. Never tell your boss to fuck off.

Apparently I learned lesson #1 a little too late, which led to the following lessons...

2. If you must tell your boss to fuck off, be sure to send out the blanket "I have a new e-mail address..." e-mail to your address book before uttering the previously mentioned offensive phrase.

3. Clean out all personal folders on your hard drive, so the next person who ends up in your little cube doesn't get to read all of your personal letters. Not to mention that resumé you've been updating in preparation of the offensive phrase.

4. If given the chance to apologize, you should probably take it, instead of uttering the next offensive phrase, "HELL NO!"

5. Be sure to have a Plan B - a bigger, better, more lucrative job which you get to start even sooner, considering your recent unemployed status. Ahhhhhh........at least I did that part right! ;)

Most importantly...

6. There's nothing that riding around with the top down on an 85 degree southern California day won't fix.

"Yes, Virginia...

...there is a Santa Claus."

It's Christmas again. For those of you who haven't known me since last Christmas, everything I would love to say I've already said here. Please feel free to check it out. And may everyone who passes by this blog have a blessed Christmas.

"...He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy...Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see...Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world...

...Thank God he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood."

~Francis P. Church
Editorial in The New York Sun
Christmas, 1897

Too Much Information? Probably.

The other day I went in for what I refer to as My Yearly Violation. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about - getting felt up by a near stranger, feet in the stirrups, being poked and prodded - you know. I've had two children and, therefore, pretty over the whole probing thing. I went to my old doctor, the one who delivered my second daughter, because he specializes in a certain procedure that I'm interested in pursuing. I have to mention that I used to have a huge crush on this man. I looooooved him! He's tall, dark and handsome, dresses impeccably, and is oh so sweet. So I was excited to go see him again and see how he's aged. Of course, he's still gorgeous - just a little grayer, but nonetheless gorgeous.
So we talked for a bit about why I was there, and then it was TIME. Time for the violation. Time to be uncomfortably probed. It's never comfortable, no matter how hard the doctor tries to relax you with the soothing voice, the mundane distractions about how old your kids are now, blah, blah, blah... Once I felt like a doctor was taking way too long and I told him if he took much longer, I was going to have to take him home to meet the folks. So this day with the gorgeous doctor was continuing with dread. And then, as if on cue, my cell phone rings. Yup, right as the doctor is staring somewhere between my legs and the nurse is trying to assist, we were all treated to a little snippet of none other than "Love Shack." Gotta love it.

Thank God I changed my ringer from "Let's Get It On."

Holy Crap.

My 15 year old is a sophomore in high school. Last year, she was struggling in her English class, so I had several conversations with her teacher about it through e-mail and phone calls. Her teacher was so great. She came up with ways for my daughter to improve her comprehension while reading at home. She got her to start journaling, and since my daughter had a back injury from volleyball, she even let her take extra breaks and stretch during the three day long standardized testing. She truly went above and beyond the call of duty. She was just so great, and I was grateful to have someone so caring looking over my daughter while she was in school.

Then last week, this happened...

O.C. Teacher Charged With Having Sex With Student

CBS) SANTA ANA, Calif. A Trabuco Hills High School English teacher was charged Tuesday with seven counts of having sex with a male student.

Alyssa Ann Johnson, 31, who is free on $50,000 bail, was charged with three counts each of unlawful sexual intercourse and oral copulation of a minor and one count of sodomy with a person under 18, Orange County District Attorney spokeswoman Farrah Emami said.

Johnson, of Tustin, is scheduled for arraignment on Dec. 21, Emami said. If convicted, Johnson faces up to seven years in prison.

Johnson is accused of having sex on multiple occasions between July 4 and Nov. 14 with a student she met while teaching at Trabuco Hills High School. She was arrested Wednesday at her home by sheriff's investigators, who received word of the allegations through officials at the Mission Viejo school, said sheriff's spokesman Jim Amormino.

Johnson has been placed on administrative leave, Amormino said.

The student "took an English class from her," Amormino said, declining to release any additional information that could identify the youth, other than to say that he is "older than 14 and younger than 18."

Johnson, who was booked on suspicion of oral copulation, posted $50,000 bail and was released on Thanksgiving Day, Amormino said.

She had been a teacher at the school for about four years, Amormino said.

Holy crap.

What makes a grown woman not only risk her job, but risk going to jail? Not to mention the welfare of that 16 year old boy. I'm absolutely shocked.

People are weird.

The Lovely Chera...

Thursday night I had to say goodbye to one of the most important people in my life - my friend Chera. She has accepted a position in Baltimore and left this weekend on her cross country move. It's a great opportunity for her, not only professionally, but to get a fresh start which she feels she needs right now.

Letting her go was torture. I threw her a little going away party Thursday night that was an absolute blast (after which, my house looked like the frat house in Animal House)! We definitely sent her off right. We take pictures just about everywhere we go, even if it's just a concert; two of which I posted above. Isn't she beautiful? I put copies of all of our pictures into a photo album for her and gave it to her at the party. I couldn't even get through it without toally losing it. By the end of the night both of us were a mess.

We met when we worked in the same department at the company I still work for. She was so sweet, kind of quiet, and had the slightest trace of the most charming southern accent. We discovered that in spite of our age difference (I'm 11 years older than she), we have so much in common. It's definitely not obvious, though. On the outside, our lives are very different. But on the inside, our friendship is a perfect match. We're each other's family - both non-judgemental and lovingly accepting of the other, even when we don't agree with the other's decisions. During our friendship, we've both had some really hard times, and we're always there for each other. When I cry she cries, and that's the truest sign of deep friendship. She used to come over with a bottle of wine and we'd lock ourselves in my bedroom, sit on the bed and talk for hours. Or just sit on my kitchen counter, knowing we could totally be ourselves. We both LOVE to have fun and everything we do together is a blast - if it doesn't start out that way, we turn it into one. There is never a dull moment when we're together, and 99% of my crazy stories have Chera right at the center. In the second picture, we were at a Chippendale's show which Chera got a free tickets to. Neither one of us would pay for tickets for that, but when she heard on the radio that you could e-mail in why you thought you should get free tickets, I think she did it just for the challenge! She wrote in and said her friend Stephanie was a single mom working two jobs, never got out to have fun and really needed a night out. Needless to say, we got the tickets and those T-Shirts were part of our "Spank You" gifts that we also won.

Chera and I will never lose each other, but the void in my life on a day to day basis will be huge without her here. I love her so much.

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

"Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street...

...OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest...


...And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!"

---Dr. Seuss

Happy Birthday, JOHN!!

It's John's birthday today! Yup. He's the big 2-9.
Oh my gosh - I wonder if he knows how close he is to being officially old like me. ;) If you aren't familiar with John, please read this before you do anything else.

Seriously.

Go.

Read it - we'll wait.

Now that you know how incredible this man is, let me offer this...
In honor of my sweet friend John, my words sadly fall short, so I thought I would call on some old and familiar friends to help me out...

By one of my favorite authors...
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

"No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever."
- Francois Mocuriac

"It's the friends you can call up at 4am that matter."
- Marlene Dietrick

John, you are all of these to me. My life is richer for knowing you. My soul sleeps more soundly at night knowing you're my friend.
And on this incredibly special day that you were born, I know that God is looking down on this earth and smiling at who you've become.

Love is at it's best when you have others to divide it with. May your coming year be filled with long division.

I love you, my friend. May your day be blessed.

Finally. A Breakthrough.

I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I've spent so much time and energy lamenting the fact that I'm still single, as you know from a previous post. And, as many of you know, I consider myself a spiritual person with the belief that God wants what's best for me on this earth. Bear with me here.

I've spent quite a bit of time lately asking God what it all means...Why am I still single? Have I done the right thing by ending my past relationships when I did? Will I ever find my soul mate and one day marry again? Have I met this person already and just not seen the signs?

I've had what I believe to be an epiphany. After much thought and prayer, God has made it very clear to me...

He wants me to marry the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls.

Irrefutable Signs That I Have Become My Mother...

1. The sheer number of fast food napkins in the glove box of my car, "just in case."
2. The way my daughters complain that I speak like this, "I think we should go to...um...uh...um...yeah...What was the question?"
3. My brand new Spode Christmas Dinnerware, service for 8.
4. How I walk out of Big Lots with my girls (CA's equivalent to the 99 cent store), and say to them, "Don't touch your eyes!"
5. The fact that I use a variation of the, "Because I said so" response, only mine sounds more like, "Because I AM the boss of you!"
6. The number of tupperware lids I have in my cupboard that have no actual tupperware to cover.
7. My inability to throw away a perfectly good ziplock baggie if it can be reused.
8. The fact that I have bottles of salad dressing in my refridgerator that pre-date the millennium.
9. The way I walked into my 15 year old's bedroom the other night and whined, "I only saw you for five minutes today. We never spend any time together anymore!" Wha,wha,wha...
10. My inability to purchase something spontaneous for my kids because in the back of my mind I'm really thinking, "I think I have a coupon for that..."

...And these are just the ones I'm willing to admit.

Any of you turning into your mother? Let me know and make my day! ;)

AWWWWWWWWW.......

I had the sweetest conversation the other day with one of my dealers. His name is Magnus. He's Swedish and looks much like I imagine a Nordic God would look. He has a really strong accent, which just makes him even cuter, and he's a really nice and sensitive guy.
There are only two people at this dealership and I usually call to speak to Alex, the owner, after talking to Magnus for a few minutes. I see them in person probably once every two weeks, over the last year and a half.
Magnus is always watching out for beach volleyball tournaments for my daughter and always wants to hear about what's going on in my life. He truly is as kind as he is gorgeous.
This is what he said, almost word for word...

"Steph! How are you?! I have to tell you something! (this part was a little funny to me, since I haven't seen him in about a week and I don't even do business directly with him) Someone called the other day and Alex answered the phone. Right away he started saying, 'OH! I'm so sorry! How did it happen? Please give the family our condolences.' And I tried to get his attention to find out who died, but he wouldn't answer me! He was on the phone for 15 minutes and he was so upset. Then he said, 'How is her daughter? She plays volleyball doesn't she?' And I thought. "IT'S STEPH!!' And I was so upset, Steph, I kept trying to get Alex's attention and I was asking, 'Is it Steph?!' But he wouldn't answer me, and I was so upset! I thought you were dead! And I cried! I didn't know what to do. I thought it was you. And then he hung up and said, 'No, it's not Steph.' And he told me who it was, but my day was already ruined. It made me so sad to think it might have been you! I just wanted to tell you that I care about you so much and I'm so glad you're okay!"

How cute is that?! And how nice it is to think about the impact we may make on other people's lives even when we don't know it.

______________________________________________________

P.S. On a completely unrelated note...Check out this picture of my daughter, the Unabomber.



See the resemblance?

Yeah, I think I'm funny.
_______________________________________________________

P.S.S. I recently saw this sign at the hospital where my mom had her surgery. For those of you who may not know, California has a "No questions asked" policy with babies. Sadly, we've developed a need for safe surrender sites, such as this one. With all of the idiots out there leaving their newborns in dumpsters and bushes, the state felt the need to give them this option.



Here's the great news...I checked and they DO take 15 year olds!! :)

I've Figured Out What You Can Get Me For My Birthday...

In the last few weeks I've gotten hundreds, possibly thousands, of inquiries as to what one can get the girl who seemingly has everything. And I understand your dilemma, what with only two shopping days left. After much thought, I'm ready to tell everyone what they can pick up for me in the next couple of days...

Williams Sonoma.

Yeah. The store. The whole thing.
What? You're afraid it won't fit in your truck/SUV/sedan/Smart Car?
Yeah, that might be a problem.

I was in there today picking up a few things for the first of many birthday celebrations tonight, and I decided it would be much easier to have the entire store at my disposal. Isn't that the greatest, albeit overpriced, store on the planet?
I love it. I want one of each.

By the way, to spare all of my family and friends the unnecessary stress of my birthday being a mere 48 hours away, and most of them feeling like the celebration couldn't possibly be over that quickly...I've decided to forgo my previous practice of having a "birthday month" and adopt the "birthday quarter."
Yes, a typical quarter would end at the end of September, but mine is just beginning. So I'm officially celebrating my birthday from now until November 30th.

(But that's a whole lot better than cryin' about it, don't you think? ;)

When Bad Elvis Happens to Good People...

No, it's not a bad dream...it's Phil Shane - a 5'1" Elvis impersonator who spends his time at local bars between here and Las Vegas. His nickname is Tiny E. My ex-boyfriend first introduced me to Phil several years ago and I've been a believer ever since. He not only puts on an incredible show as Elvis, complete with costume changes and all the hip grinding one packed room of groupies can take, but he also does a mean Neil Diamond, Engelbert Humperdink, and yes...the master of cheese himself, my personal favorite...Barry Manilow! He can knock out "Copacabana" like nobody's business.

Why this tribute to Tiny E? Well, for two reasons.
#1. I spent my 38th birthday at Original Mike's with this gyrating lounge singer, watching him ring in the big day with my friends Amy and Jennifer. Some of you may know Jen from Swank or Skank? (But don't let the title fool you - she's 100% Swank!)
So to celebrate the (almost) 2nd anniversary of that auspicious occasion, I'm posting the following...



The photo was taken on Jen's cellphone so the quality is a little compromised (or is that me being compromised?). Anyway...Phil is not kneeling down, nor am I sitting on his lap. No, he's just really that short. I'm only 5'1", but apparently my heels were higher than his that night. The tall girl in back? I have no idea who she is...obviously someone trying to get in on my Phil birthday action.

#2. I'm posting the memory of Elvis and Jen because Jen was just here last week from Minnesota, and we had a great time on the town in Laguna! I got some of that Purple Ginger sushi I'm crazy about (after drinks on the beach at the Hotel Laguna), and then more drinks at the White House. I think we were both a little worked the next day. I know I was and after reading Jen's blog, I'm pretty sure she was too. :)

So for those who are wondering, my birthday Vegas trip was cancelled. It was just not working out logistically. So I'm spending a mellow weekend with friends and hopefully, will be having too much fun to realize I've turned the corner on the next decade!

If You're Looking For a Naked Shower Buddy, Apparently I'm Your Girl...

I have this little counter thingy on the bottom of my blog that tells me how many people have visited. I don't think it's really critical information, but it's kind of fun. You know, like McDonald's. Maybe one day I'll be able to say something like "Over 3 Billion Served." Although on a personal level, that doesn't sound too flattering does it? Anyway, since it's my blog, when I click on the number, it redirects me to a website that gives me some statistics about my blog traffic. For instance, if you stop by and read my blog, it tells me your name, your address and what you're wearing. No? Okay. So it's not as helpful as it could be. It actually doesn't give me any personal info about who stops by my blog, but it does tell me how you got there. In other words, what webpage refers readers to a particular page. Really useless info but hey, I don't tell them how to run their site and I thought the counter was cute.

So as I was perusing the site the other day, I noticed some funny referral notations. Usually it just says another blog, like when someone links to me from their own site. But then I started noticing some funny Google searches popping up. When someone searches for certain things on Google, my website is in the results.

Here are some of the searches in which my blog appeared (exactly as they were entered by the search engine user):

"mike - no thanks"

WHERE THE TODAY'S YOUTH IS GOING

mostly useless drivel
(Someone Googled the actual name of my blog. That's cool.)

sarah brightman blogspot.
(This search was on the Spanish Google and the results only took .41 segundos)

kenny chesney and vane million

hard work without confidence is useless
(Amen. Glad I could help)

i'm dating a younger guy
(Ouch. The only saving grace about this one is that one of the first websites listed before mine is Loveshack.org. As some of you know, that's my cell phone ringer, and of the most underrated songs of the 80's)

how to use preparation H for under eye puffiness
(love this one!)

Rochelle, my heart

I see stupid people code
(?)

AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE GOOGLE SEARCH WHICH SENDS YOU RIGHT TO MY SITE......

"community shower" + nudity
(I really hate to even speculate, lets just pray my father never reads this :)

I didn't die. Swear.

But my life has been a little surreal again. It all started off innocently enough, during a little weekend trip to the river...

Doesn't that look like fun? :)

My girls and I enjoyed a nice relaxing weekend waterskiing, wakeboarding, etc., and had an incredibly fun end of summer weekend. Then we drove home, and the following has transpired since...

~ On the way home, my car exploded. Remember the cute little pretty car I've described in the past? Yeah. It exploded. Okay, so maybe not literally, but the engine overheated so bad that all four cylinders were destroyed and now I need a new engine. I was 70 miles from the nearest services, my girls and I (and the dog, by the way) were sitting in 121 degrees for 2 1/2 hours before we were found. Good times. The good news is that I heard from the mechanic today and the warranty is covering absolutely everything.

~ The next day my mom had what should have been pretty minor surgery; an outpatient procedure. She convinced me that the doctor told her she had cancer and she had to stay with me to recover. Then she convinced the doctor that she needed to stay in the hospital for not only one night but two. Of course I didn't object because it meant less time at my house. I finally had to take her home because the doctor said there was no legitimate reason for her to be there and even she knew my mom was faking it. I took her home, but not before I lied and said I was going away for Labor Day weekend and she had to go home Friday morning. I know I'm going to hell for it. It was worth it. When I talked to my sister (who lives up north) on Monday she asked if I had talked to our mom to see how she was. I said no...had she talked to her? She said no, she was camping all weekend and had no cell service. I quickly hung up, called my mom and used the no cell service excuse before my sister could. Hey, she owes me for moving 426 miles away (a fact she reminds me of every time my mom has an attack of drama), and leaving me with a mom that will eventually land me on the FBI's Most Wanted List.

~ I started my Astronomy class and I'm loving it! The whole first chapter of my book is about scale - just how miniscule we really are in perspective to what's out there. It blew me away and I can't wait to read the rest!

~ I'm going to a seminar tomorrow morning that my company is sending our office to called "GET MOTIVATED!" Well, okay.
I'm actually really excited. It has some awesome speakers lined up and I'm excited to see what I can learn from them.

~ I started going to the gym again and it's kicking my ass. Enough said.

~ I just watched one of the best movies I've ever seen and I think you should all run out right now and rent it. Go. Now. No really. Go.
It's called the House of D. Obscure little title, great movie! Go get it. And tell me if you did, because I want to know how much you loved it.

~ Right now it's 11:06 PM, which means it's technically still the 6th of September.
17 days and counting 'til I check the next box. And don't think I'm not counting.

...And Here's 50 More...

If you're feeling especially bored right now, and want to see the first 50, see below. :)

51. I love to go out and have fun - dancing, letting loose, having a few drinks, basically getting crazy like I'm 15 years younger than I really am. I wonder if at my age I just look stupid.
52. My youngest daughter has the compassion of Mother Theresa. People comment on it all the time so I know it's not just me.
53. I'm probably the only Christian you'll ever meet who will admit to hating George Bush, and who voted Democrat in the last two elections.
54. When the top is down on my car, I think it's the prettiest car I've ever seen. And yes, a car can be pretty. :)
55. Two college age girls consider me their mentor. They have no idea how much I actually learn from them.
56. I'll pretty much sell my body for the Purple Fusion sushi at a tiny little restaurant in Laguna.
57. At the library today, I pathetically squealed with delight when I saw that they had the newest Danielle Steele novel in stock.
58. I think Bruce Springsteen, Jennifer Knapp, Jim Steinman and Bob Dylan are lyrical geniuses.
59. I love everything French; the food, the wine, the country, the language, the pace of life.
60. If I'm still single when I retire, I'm out of here. For reals (I just like saying "for reals," like I'm 6 :). South of France or the coast of Spain, whichever I can afford. Somewhere where I can see the ocean from my bedroom window and the sound of church bells wakes me up.
61. The grass in my backyard is embarrassing. It's dead.
62. I get my hair professionally cut less then once a year.
63. My middle name is Ann. Please. My parents had nine months to come up with something and this is what I get? Not that it's a crappy name or anything, it's just that every little girl born in 1966 got Ann as their middle name. Or Marie (my sister). Or Lynn.
64. I think my two daughter's names are absolutely beautiful and no one else in their schools have them.
65. I take a bath with Mr. Bubble every night without fail.
66. I will skip multiple meals if they're not worth eating. I'll hold out until I find something that I love. It could be a Wendy's cheeseburger, but I have to love it or I won't eat.
67. I find it almost impossible to turn down a dare, no matter how ridiculous. I consider it a matter of personal pride that I'll do just about anything!
68. The only time I'll open a bottle of wine by myself is when I'm either cooking an elaborate meal for just me (which is not very often) or by myself baking something late into the night. My specialties are Parmesan bread and lemon cake with raspberry sauce.
69. I never eat what I bake. I always wrap it up for my kids or take it to work for everyone there. I always love it, I just feel weird about eating it. I'm weird like that.
70. A medium coke with extra ice from McDonald's is my crack.
71. I just dropped $250 on NFL Sunday Ticket so I never have to miss a football game. Like I don't have anything better to spend my money on.
72. My house got toilet papered last night. Teenagers are such bliss.
73. I don't want to embarrass my friend John, but he expresses himself more eloquently than anyone else I know. This morning I got an e-mail that among other things said this, "In my heart of hearts I know that God is, at this very second, at work behind the scenes of your life preparing the most awe inspiring story of love and romance ever. You know, the kind you dream about." And that's just one. I'm lucky enough to be on the receiving end of an abundance of encouragement from this sweet friend.
74. I love him dearly, and he makes sure I know it's mutual.
75. It's all girls in my house, even the dog and cat are female. We're swimming in an estrogen ocean and most of the time I love it, but sometimes I want to pull my hair out.
76. Some guys with power washers were spraying the outside of my house today and the front door wasn't shut all the way. They power washed about 50 gallons of water right into my foyer. Nice.
77. My friends and I are going to ring in my big 4-0 in Las Vegas on an all girls trip. I'm sure there will more to follow on this one! :)
78. I hate to shop with a passion, and I only step foot into a mall if someone has asked me for something specific that I can't find anywhere else or it's too late to order it on-line.
79. I got my first job when I was 14 at Del Taco. I was too young to make the food so I worked on the "dining room" side of the counter, delivering trays to people's tables and cleaning up after them. And oh yeah, sweeping the floor every half hour.
80. After six months, I lied about my age and got a job at the movie theater. They didn't check those things back then and having a job at the movies at my age was considered to be the cream of the crop.
81. I'm very good friends with my ex-husband and his wife, and have actually taken people I've dated over to their house for BBQ's and other social gatherings. We spend Christmas Eve there every year to make it as easy as possible on our children.
82. My girls are the biggest slobs ever, and it's driving me nuts. I can't wait for school to start again just so they can't be home every day messing up the house.
83. My friend Jennifer got me started blogging and I got my friend John started. Then he got his brother Pete doing it and...wow, the possibilities are just endless here, aren't they?
84. I graduated from high school in 1984.
85. I didn't graduate from college with a B.A. until 2003. "I could have finished; I chose not to. I'm not into this completion thing." (Come on, ten bucks to the person who can tell me what movie that's from! :)
86. I'm addicted to stick pretzels.
87. My daughters are addicted to Lean Cuisine spaghetti and meatballs. Parenting at it's finest.
89. All three of us are addicted to re-runs of Will & Grace. Again, parenting at it's finest.
90. My friend John gave me a book a couple of years ago called Wild at Heart and I think it's the best non-fiction book I've every read. Really. You should pick it up.
91. I turned on the radio this morning in my car and my favorite country radio station has been replaced by a hip-hop station and I'm bitter. Seriously, I feel ripped off and like someone should have consulted me first.
92. Someone from my past just bought me a trip to Barbados for my birthday, for he and I to go together. There were several years when I would have jumped at the chance to have that trip and a healthy relationship with him, but now I made him cancel it. I've spent more time than I care to remember allowing this person to thrash my heart, and undervalue what I have to offer. To quote Garth Brooks (who I really can't stand), "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
93. I'm an incurable insomniac and I have been for many years.
94. I think "Time to Say Goodbye" by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman is one of the most beautiful songs ever recorded.
95. I was such a girly girl when I was little. I took voice lessons, ballet, gymnastics and piano.
96. I just signed up for tap dancing lessons - at my age! I guess I'm still the same girly girl! :)
97. I get the most beautiful sunsets from the balcony off of my bedroom.
98. I have a step-brother and a step-sister, both younger than me. Even though I was 29 when our parents got married, you would think we grew up together, we're that compatible, as they are with my older brother and sister. When we're all together, we never differentiate between our biological siblings and our step-siblings; we introduce each other as brothers and sisters, always.
99. When I was a little girl I would get in trouble for bringing my Nancy Drew Mysteries to the dinner table, even trying to pull them out at restaurants.
100. If you've read all 100 of these, I'm extremely flattered. Thanks for hanging. :)

What can I say. I'm a sheep.

I'm a joiner by nature, which is why I now feel compelled to copy what some of you have done on your blogs recently (don't make me name names, you know who you are).
My first 50.....

Please hold your applause 'til the end.

1. I'm freaked out about turning 40 next month (well now I'm just being redundant, aren't I?).
2. I'm the youngest of three kids, and only because I became a mother before my siblings did they stop treating me like the baby. Now they call me for parenting advice.
3. I'm a big old stinkin' daddy's girl, who still calls her daddy "Daddy."
4. I'm usually pretty frugal at the grocery store, but I'm a whore for anything lavender. I'll pay way too much for lavender body wash, fabric softener, etc.
5. I'm a fanatical star gazer. I just signed up for an Astronomy class at the community college, which I hear is actually quite difficult. I can't wait for it to start in two weeks.
6. I've been in a Mexican jail twice. Once because I truly got arrested, the other time because my friends did and I had to bail them out. The only reason I got them out was because one of my friends convinced the guards that I was pregnant with his child.
7. I believe that love makes the world go 'round. Seriously. I think it's the most important thing worth striving for in this life...those loving relationships that you can cherish when everything else is gone.
8. I love classical music and am listening to it right now.
9. I have a weird phobia of grasshoppers. You can just never tell where those little pests are going to hop next and it freaks me the hell out to the point of being irrational.
10. When I was little, I was painfully shy. I had no confidence until I was at least 17 years old.
11. My ex-husband was a triplet, and even though I knew it wouldn't happen, I always wanted multiple births.
12. I ended up dating my ex-husband after his brother brought him along on a date that was supposed to be with him.
13. When I met him, I was already seeing a very nice guy named Scott who had just been drafted by the Cleveland Indians. I broke his heart and feel a little bad about it to this day.
14. I read about two books a week. Sometimes when I'm really into a good book, I resent that I have to do anything responsible and that I just can't be home reading my book.
15. If someone were trying to prove that homosexuality is hereditary, they could use my family as a case study. I have a sister, two aunts, and three cousins who are gay. That we know of.
16. If I have to have an important conversation with someone, I practice it, sometimes out loud. It's led to more than one embarrassing situation when I get caught at it.
17. I was in a car accident seven years ago in which I should have died. Jaws of Life, trauma surgeons, the whole nine yards. The hospital told everyone who called, including my family, that I would not make it through the day. I didn't see my life flash before my eyes as some will speculate, but right before I passed out I did have a very clear mental picture of someone telling my daughters that their mother had died. I think God saved me to stay on this earth and be their mom.
18. I'm really small but don't feel like it until I see a picture of me standing in a crowd.
19. My favorite color is purple and I pretty much can't get enough of it.
20. I share a birthday with Bruce Springsteen and every year my brother calls and says the same thing, "Hey. Don't forget to call Bruce today. It's his birthday. Never mind, I'll tell him. I'm seeing him later for drinks."
21. Every year on my sister's birthday, he leaves this message for her, "Hey. Don't forget to call your sister today. It's her birthday."
22. I collect antique perfume bottles.
23. I make my own Limoncello and other infused alcohols, like mandarin, green apple and blackberry vodkas and give it away as gifts.
24. I also make my own paper.
25. I pretty much think I'm Martha Stewart.
26. I wear a size 5 shoe and know the only pair in my size that every shoe store will have is the one on display.
27. I've been covering gray in my hair since my mid 20's.
28. I've been to India and to the home of Mother Theresa, where the terminally ill go to die with dignity. I've met and spent time with the nun that took over her mission.
29. I've also been to Haiti where I've sponsored a child for 10 years. I got to meet his family and see where he lives.
30. I have a lifetime to do list which I take very seriously. Some things I've been able to cross off, such as climbing the Great Wall of China and trekking in the Andes. Others I have yet to achieve, such as running with the bulls in Pamplona, getting on stage with Barry Manilow, visiting all seven continents (three more to go) and finding the love of my life (What? Doesn't everybody want to get on stage with Barry Manilow?).
31. I have over 100 cousins.
32. My parents separated when I was 10, but didn't divorce until I was 29.
33. I played varsity tennis in high school.
34. I thought I met the love of my life while in college. He was beautiful, kind and loyal. I broke up with him because he had a business degree from one of the most prestigious colleges in California and was working at a sporting goods store and I thought doing nothing with his life. He had no dreams, and I couldn't imagine a future with a man who had no dreams.
35. I'm half Mexican on my mom's side and Danish on my dad's. My mom is dark and my dad is as white and blonde as they come. No one can believe we're related. I ended up somewhere in between. When I was growing up, I always thought my parents made a funny looking couple.
36. I have one child who looks like my mom (dark skin, dark eyes) and one who looks like my dad (fair skin, light hair, and VERY blue eyes). I love it.
37. My bedroom is my sanctuary.
38. After my bad car accident, I now have what is called Chiari's syndrome. The bottom portion of my brain is slipping down into the hole in the bottom of my skull where my brain stem and spinal cord go. I have no adverse symptoms though, and I probably never will. I'm very lucky. But it's kind of a cool story.
39. I had a really bad lisp when I was a child and also couldn't say my R's. I was in speech therapy until Jr. High, when I absolutely refused to go any longer.
40. For that reason, I had a dreaded fear of public speaking until I was forced into it for a job I had. Now I can get up in a room full of thousands of people and it doesn't bother me at all.
41. I had the same best friend from the time I was 15 until I was 28 when she moved to Ireland. We're still close. Her name's Maggie. :)
42. My daughters are athletic studs.
43. I dated an actor for awhile who was actually on a TV comedy every week. He was a drama queen, but I got to go to cool parties at famous people's homes!
44. I believe in mind over matter and have learned most things in life this way - forcing myself to do that which makes me uncomfortable.
45. I recently had a reiki master come to my home and do a session on me and I think it was one of the coolest things ever.
46. During the fall I put on warm clothes, sit outside and close my eyes and listen to the wind in the trees, and I am at such peace that I think God created that sound just for me.
47. I've always wanted to learn how to tapdance.
48. My favorite movies are Life is Beautiful and Breakfast at Tiffany's, in that order.
49. I have more heroes than I can count.
50. I think I know the most important thing to making a marriage work. Seriously. Feel free to ask what it is, I may devote an entire post to it.

I think I can only hang with 50 things right now, even though I know the list is supposed to be 100. Maybe I'll get to the next 50 later.

I'm having a moment.

The other night I caught Must Love Dogs on cable. I read the book and thought it was okay, but my daughter wanted to watch the movie when it came on the other night. I felt a sad affinity with the main character, Sarah. She's the last single woman in her family and at holidays, her various family members feel the need to hand her business cards of available men that they're aware of. My family isn't quite as aggressive about it, but I must admit that it seems "Why Steph is Still Single" has become the eighth Wonder of the World in my immediate circle of family and friends. Not to mention that everyone and their mother (literally) has the perfect man for me, and would I be interested in meeting him?

I am very blessed. Abundantly blessed. I know this on a daily basis. I have the two most beautiful girls (inside and out) that I have ever had the pleasure to know. I have a family who adores me and the feeling is mutual, and an incredible network of friends who truly care about me and get me. Not to mention that I've been blessed financially and am able to raise my children in a beautiful and safe environment. I just about want to cry every time I write the check for my mortgage, but recover quickly for two reasons: it's all mine and the money is always there. I also very much like who I am. The last 39 years have not been the easiest road emotionally, but I believe that I've learned from the good and the bad equally. I believe that the best we can hope for when faced with adversity is safety and personal growth, and I think I've been lucky to have both.

I am very strong in my faith and believe that my blessings are from God. I've worked very hard, but that in no way means that I'm any more deserving than anyone else. In fact, I don't know why I've been given so much. I've certainly never had a sense of entitlement. I've literally been all around the world and can say with all confidence, "I have been blessed."

So why then am I not content? Why do I see this movie and want to cry about my miserable God-forsaken single life? Why in a million years would I think my life is miserable and God-forsaken when I've already admitted how blessed I am? Why, why, why?

Ask anyone who knows me well (John, Jen...feel free to jump in here and agree wholeheartedly...) I am a fricking catch!! I would date me in a heartbeat. I don't have any weird habits, no obvious facial twitches, no unnatural attachments to my father or any four legged animals. I think I'm a deep thinker (but how do we ever really know?), I love with all my heart, and put others before myself. I chew with my mouth closed, I have a great sense of humor and better than average oral hygiene. I believe I am of above average intelligence, I make my own money, I work hard, and I have almost no inhibitions which makes for hysterical stories after hanging out with me. Not to mention great hair. So what the hell?

Where the hell is my true love, dammit?!

I've been single for 9 years. NINE. That's 63 in dog years, which is actually appropriate to mention here since it applies to over half the men I've dated. I'm turning 40 in an hour and a half (which, by the way, is just my smartass way of saying an insignificantly small amount of time, you know like, "I dated that loser for about an hour and a half." But thank you so much to all of you who wished me a happy birthday last time I used the expression!:) It's actually not until next month). Anyway, back to my griping. I have this sweet man who happens to be one of my dealers (No, not of the drug variety, one of my dealers at work), who is a great-grandpa and who has a huge crush on me. Yes, I can always get the under 28 and over 75 crowd - no problem. Anyway, he says it's because men are intimidated by me and are afraid I will say no. Anyone out there who's thinking of saying the same thing to me just.save.it. I stopped buying that one somewhere around year number 3. Again, ask anyone who knows me (John, Jen...your cue)...I am anything but intimidating.

So, yeah, part of me feels like a total unappreciative bitch for even whining about this. I love my life. I have a great life. And like I said before, I think I'm incredibly lucky, probably more than most. Yet here I sit and whine. I whine for the one thing my life lacks, the one thing that I would give up the money for in a heartbeat - a soulmate. Someone to share my heart with, share the load with, share my life with. I berate myself for all of the mistakes I've made, the bad decisions, the time wasted on dead-end situations, wishing instead that I could have controlled who my heart chose to love. And I watch the clock tick.

Alright. I'm done whining. For now. But don't think this is the last you'll here of this sorry-ass story over the next month.