The other night I caught Must Love Dogs on cable. I read the book and thought it was okay, but my daughter wanted to watch the movie when it came on the other night. I felt a sad affinity with the main character, Sarah. She's the last single woman in her family and at holidays, her various family members feel the need to hand her business cards of available men that they're aware of. My family isn't quite as aggressive about it, but I must admit that it seems "Why Steph is Still Single" has become the eighth Wonder of the World in my immediate circle of family and friends. Not to mention that everyone and their mother (literally) has the perfect man for me, and would I be interested in meeting him?
I am very blessed. Abundantly blessed. I know this on a daily basis. I have the two most beautiful girls (inside and out) that I have ever had the pleasure to know. I have a family who adores me and the feeling is mutual, and an incredible network of friends who truly care about me and get me. Not to mention that I've been blessed financially and am able to raise my children in a beautiful and safe environment. I just about want to cry every time I write the check for my mortgage, but recover quickly for two reasons: it's all mine and the money is always there. I also very much like who I am. The last 39 years have not been the easiest road emotionally, but I believe that I've learned from the good and the bad equally. I believe that the best we can hope for when faced with adversity is safety and personal growth, and I think I've been lucky to have both.
I am very strong in my faith and believe that my blessings are from God. I've worked very hard, but that in no way means that I'm any more deserving than anyone else. In fact, I don't know why I've been given so much. I've certainly never had a sense of entitlement. I've literally been all around the world and can say with all confidence, "I have been blessed."
So why then am I not content? Why do I see this movie and want to cry about my miserable God-forsaken single life? Why in a million years would I think my life is miserable and God-forsaken when I've already admitted how blessed I am? Why, why, why?
Ask anyone who knows me well (John, Jen...feel free to jump in here and agree wholeheartedly...) I am a fricking catch!! I would date me in a heartbeat. I don't have any weird habits, no obvious facial twitches, no unnatural attachments to my father or any four legged animals. I think I'm a deep thinker (but how do we ever really know?), I love with all my heart, and put others before myself. I chew with my mouth closed, I have a great sense of humor and better than average oral hygiene. I believe I am of above average intelligence, I make my own money, I work hard, and I have almost no inhibitions which makes for hysterical stories after hanging out with me. Not to mention great hair. So what the hell?
Where the hell is my true love, dammit?!
I've been single for 9 years. NINE. That's 63 in dog years, which is actually appropriate to mention here since it applies to over half the men I've dated. I'm turning 40 in an hour and a half (which, by the way, is just my smartass way of saying an insignificantly small amount of time, you know like, "I dated that loser for about an hour and a half." But thank you so much to all of you who wished me a happy birthday last time I used the expression!:) It's actually not until next month). Anyway, back to my griping. I have this sweet man who happens to be one of my dealers (No, not of the drug variety, one of my dealers at work), who is a great-grandpa and who has a huge crush on me. Yes, I can always get the under 28 and over 75 crowd - no problem. Anyway, he says it's because men are intimidated by me and are afraid I will say no. Anyone out there who's thinking of saying the same thing to me just.save.it. I stopped buying that one somewhere around year number 3. Again, ask anyone who knows me (John, Jen...your cue)...I am anything but intimidating.
So, yeah, part of me feels like a total unappreciative bitch for even whining about this. I love my life. I have a great life. And like I said before, I think I'm incredibly lucky, probably more than most. Yet here I sit and whine. I whine for the one thing my life lacks, the one thing that I would give up the money for in a heartbeat - a soulmate. Someone to share my heart with, share the load with, share my life with. I berate myself for all of the mistakes I've made, the bad decisions, the time wasted on dead-end situations, wishing instead that I could have controlled who my heart chose to love. And I watch the clock tick.
Alright. I'm done whining. For now. But don't think this is the last you'll here of this sorry-ass story over the next month.
11 comments:
Ok. I'm having a difficult time with this. I'm running short on the witty comments.
I once had a friend who was very religious. He helped build his small town local church from the ground up. He was instrumental in finding a pastor and he attended every week. He loved that place and he believed in what it stood for. He and I were very close, and I respected his beliefs. He also respected the fact that I didn't believe any of it. I consider myself spiritual but I am diametrically opposed to religious Dogma. You're probably asking yourself, "where the hell is she going with this".
I'm not entirely sure either. I guess what I'm saying is that you obviously have a great deal of faith in your beliefs. I think that's admirable whether I agree with your beliefs or not. I just don't think it's a good idea to feel guilty about an honest emotion because you feel blessed in many ways. Companionship is important, and missing it doesn't make you ungrateful, it makes you human. It means you feel. Wanting romance doesn't mean you're unhappy with your life or unappreciative of what you have. So, go ahead, have your moment.
AND, for the life of me I can't figure out why the HELL you're single EITHER. You're CLEARLY a great catch! I've seen the pictures, you're beautiful.You seem to be a wonderful person, full of love, compassion, and openness Here's the antiquated reason: the time hasn't come yet.
But it will my dear, it will.
DAMN! I TOLD you I can ramble!
I have SO much to say here and, unfortunately, very little time at present.
I love what WIP had to say about the fact that you want a relationship not being a bad thing. Come on Steph! You were designed with an ache to be treasured and enjoyed, just like the rest of us. It's a wonderful thing. And you are a magnificent person, an excellent friend and a beautiful woman.
I'm not the answer man. Many of your frustrations here struck a chord with me. I wish upon many wishes that I could be of some help because I love you and want your life to be rich! And that means an overflowing heart in my book.
More later.
WIP ~ From a fellow rambler - thank you. I know you respect my believes and you know that I, too, respect yours. I wish like hell though that I didn't have to look up the word "diametrically!" Maybe I should have held off on the part about being of above average intelligence. Anyway, your words do resonate with me, and I've heard them many times from John too. That what I desire for my life is a legitimate human emotion and not one to feel guilty for.
And I do believe that timing is everything, and that maybe it is not the time for this. And I won't know why until I have it right before me.
Thanks so much for your kind words. :)
John ~ Yeah, I know, we've had this conversation more times than we can count, huh? And I know what you think and feel and never tire of hearing it. Thank you for being my loyal friend and always making me feel better about myself. I know we'll be talking about this soon. Hopefully while sitting on my kitchen counter over a couple of martinis.
I do completely agree with WIP and w/john: it does sound trite, but the time simply hasn't come for you. (I say this w/me in mind, as well, since I have been single for going on 3 years now...). Timing, while it may suck, is important. You should live these moments of feeling like you want more, and truly figuring out what that more is--so that way, when he walks into your life, you will be ready.
PS: thanks for stopping by. I liked your comments about the 'do-over'. I hadn't thought about it in quite that way...
Here you go Steph,
Diametric:
2 : completely opposed : being at opposite extremes
You made me nervous for a minute. I thought I misused the word. Thank goodness I didn't, I always feel like a moron when I do that.
i feel ya, sista!
Ryane ~ You're right about keep working on myself so I'm ready when I find that person. Actually keep working on myself foe the sake of working on myself.
WIP ~ Thanks! :) That was the second word in one day that I had to look up.
Kate ~ Love your comment! You're awesome.
I've been single for my whole life. That trumps nine years!
When you find a guy that's sweet, sensitive (not gay!), and a bit nerdy, send him my way.
Cause I can only do so much here by myself. (I did not go there!)
Marty ~ HA HA!!! You did SO go there!! :) My kinda girl.
DAMNIT! I missed my cue.
Steph, you'll find him, and when you do it will be worth all the wait.
I promise!
And yes, you ARE a total catch!
I was going to post something, but damn you are intimidating.
;)
Remember, Michelle Pfieffer is still pining away for you.
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