Skanky Halloween Bash

When did dressing up for Halloween become a hooch contest? I went to a Halloween party last night and I couldn't believe the costumes that literally all the girls were wearing. Every conceivable costume, from bumblebees to convicts, to Dorothy and Toto, all of them a sleazed out version aimed at showing as much ass and cleavage as possible. I don't think I'm a prude, but I was embarrassed for them.

I got invited to what I thought was going to be a cool party. It was Paul Frank's party (the designer) and I thought it would be somewhat upscale. I needed a pass to get in and I had to wait outside for my friend for a few minutes because I met him there. I should have known which way the night was headed when I heard a security guy get on a walkie-talkie and say, "Attention! We need a table upstairs ASAP for the cast of Laguna Beach!" Oh brother. Actually, one of them was quite nice. A young girl on the show who saw me waiting for a very long time outside struck up a conversation with me about my costume and then kept insisting to the door guy that he let me in with them because I was freezing. It was very sweet and she seemed genuinely concerned about the fact that I was standing in the cold.

I have a very good friend named John who has a long and funny last name (sorry John!) who I always make fun of for it, and I bet him that I could drop his name and get someone to agree that they knew who he was. He lives in Washington and as far as I know has never been on television, but I knew the power of suggestion can be stronger than any truth. At some point in the night, the band announced, "And we have the cast of Laguna Beach here tonight!" The crowd went wild (yes, they were all that young) and I turned to the girl next to me and said, "OH, I know someone who was on that show last season!" (Did they even HAVE a last season?) And she of course asked who? So I said, "John Vanderkjlkghawhb." And she said "Who?!" And I said, "YOU KNOWWWWW...the guy who went out with that girl for awhile before she dumped him for the other guy. He lived in that big house with the ocean view and his parents sent him somewhere really cool for graduation." And she said, "Oh Yeaaahhhh." Yes! Score!

Overall, the night was a disappointment. And on a school night, too. Oh well. My costume was awesome, though! Alright, three guesses......Prom dress, a tiara and lots of blood. Guess who? Ha! It was great. I only had a disposable camera, but I'll post a picture or two when I get them developed.

My Baby Girl

For those who don't know me...my daughter just started high school. She's 14, a freshman, and pretty. I knew before she ever started that I was screwed. Not only a freshman, but a pretty one, and a volleyball player. Who doesn't like the cute volleyball girls? Her Homecoming dance is coming up this weekend and by last week, five (FIVE!!) boys had already asked her. She finally said yes to the fifth one. One was a junior. I pretty much told her that she would go to the dance with a junior over my cold dead body. She understood. So after being asked to Homecoming by five different boys (did I mention one was a sleazy junior bastard who has no business even looking at my daughter?), she got her braces off on Friday. You know how you can picture how someone will look without them and you know they'll look better? Well, I had no idea. She doesn't just look better - she looks exponentially better. Out of control better. Okay...I know I'm her mom. I know I'm not objective, but TRUST ME!!! Anyone who has seen her (with or without braces) will tell you how beautiful she is. I AM SCREWED!!! So some kid named Jared is the lucky little guy. He called the other night and has terrible phone manners, and I am a stickler about phone manners in teenagers. Poor kid has no idea how I plan on re-training him if he hopes to spend one minute with my daughter. I've done it before, I can do it again. The last kid that liked my daughter now says the following when he calls my house..."Hi, Stephanie! This is Alex. How are you?" I say fine, talk to him for a minute and then he asks if Livy is available. They have stayed great friends, so we laugh about it now, but I literally trained him in speaking to parents, and told him how it would serve him well when he was older. His parents thanked me. If I can train him, I can train an impressionable little guy like Jared.
So of course, they're doing the overpriced limo thing with a bunch of kids. And of course, I will be at whoever's house the limo is picking them up at, biting my tongue when the kid looks at my daughter like she's dessert, and testing for a firm handshake. I know, I know...I'm a psycho mom. But she's my baby. I think she was just in diapers like last week. When did this happen? When did she grow into this beautiful, self-assured, kind hearted and confident young girl? Not to mention so charming. Oh, damn. I know I'm going to cry on Saturday night. But don't worry, I'll wait until they drive away.

My Morning...and 60 Seconds of Sleaze

You know Ryan Seacrest, of American Idol fame? Also the subject of my overused "Who told THAT guy he has talent?" line. He does a morning show on the radio out here, as if he's not annoying enough on TV. I don't listen to the station, but my 14 year old daughter has it set as a preset station for when she's in my car (although I'm pretty sure that when she has her own car in a year and a half, my choosing her presets will not be an option). Anyway, because the music on all of my other presets happened to suck at the moment, I pushed her little preset button in time to hear a breathy female voice say, "60 Seconds of Sleaze when we return." I rolled my eyes and was about to change it again when I thought it might be a good idea to listen to the 60 Seconds of Sleaze that my 14 year old is apparently exposed to. So when they came back on, I found that Ryan was reporting live from Pico Rivera (not one of your nicer L.A. neighborhoods) and interviewing people live on the air. As one would expect in Pico Rivera (a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood), most of the people in the audience were Hispanic with pretty heavy accents. So he introduced each one, BUTCHERED their names to the point of embarrassment (at least for me), and then when he answered them, he actually took on an accent himself! What an idiot. He spent a full minute making an ass out of himself with this fake accent, probably not even realizing that it's really not okay. THAT was the 60 Seconds of Sleaze?
60 Seconds of Stupidity.

So here's the best part of my morning...I'm just bummed that I didn't have my camera! I was on my way to work and I passed a Budget rent-a-truck. On the side panel was a picture of two stick figures, one bending over in front of the other. The one standing upright was wrapping packing tape around the other one's neck and head, so his upper half looked like a mummy. The writing above the picture said, "Packing Tip #48: Packing tape should not be used for mean and dangerous pranks." HA!

Bummer.

I am 11% White Trash.

I, my friend, have class. I am so not white trash. . I am more than likely Democrat, and my place is neat, and there is a good chance I may never drink wine from a box.

Take the
White Trash Test
@ FualiDotCom

I'm a little bummed about this, not to mention a little surprised. I DO live in southern Orange County, have a productive job, I have all of my teeth and no broken down cars on my lawn...but my Grammie was a career cocktail waitress who finally retired from the bowling alley at 69. Seriously. I thought having that in my bloodline would make me at least 20% white trash. Now what's my excuse for the white trash tailgate parties before old '80's bands?

Damn...Now I'll never win the lottery.

What a boring day........

Sometimes being single can suck. All my friends are married and hanging out with their husbands today and I had no one to hang out with. I sound like such a whiner, huh? But I just got this big fat paycheck on Friday and I wanted to spend some of it. My kids went to their dad's house yesterday and won't be home until Monday morning. So after running around the house doing the happy dance for about five minutes over having the house all to myself, I had a friend over for the Notre Dame game and a BBQ and that was fun. Then I woke up this morning all ready to go shopping and drop some cash, but the mall is just not so much fun by myself. I did get some killer perfume, though, and I have a feeling that at least one person a day will tell me how great I smell.
Usually I love having time to myself and am quite productive. Today I'm just bored.
I asked myself what I usually do when I'm alone that I have a lot of fun doing. So I'm gonna go put on an Andrea Bocelli CD, bake Parmesan bread and pretend I'm Italian.