"Yes, Virginia...

...there is a Santa Claus."

It's Christmas again. For those of you who haven't known me since last Christmas, everything I would love to say I've already said here. Please feel free to check it out. And may everyone who passes by this blog have a blessed Christmas.

"...He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy...Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see...Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world...

...Thank God he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood."

~Francis P. Church
Editorial in The New York Sun
Christmas, 1897

Too Much Information? Probably.

The other day I went in for what I refer to as My Yearly Violation. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about - getting felt up by a near stranger, feet in the stirrups, being poked and prodded - you know. I've had two children and, therefore, pretty over the whole probing thing. I went to my old doctor, the one who delivered my second daughter, because he specializes in a certain procedure that I'm interested in pursuing. I have to mention that I used to have a huge crush on this man. I looooooved him! He's tall, dark and handsome, dresses impeccably, and is oh so sweet. So I was excited to go see him again and see how he's aged. Of course, he's still gorgeous - just a little grayer, but nonetheless gorgeous.
So we talked for a bit about why I was there, and then it was TIME. Time for the violation. Time to be uncomfortably probed. It's never comfortable, no matter how hard the doctor tries to relax you with the soothing voice, the mundane distractions about how old your kids are now, blah, blah, blah... Once I felt like a doctor was taking way too long and I told him if he took much longer, I was going to have to take him home to meet the folks. So this day with the gorgeous doctor was continuing with dread. And then, as if on cue, my cell phone rings. Yup, right as the doctor is staring somewhere between my legs and the nurse is trying to assist, we were all treated to a little snippet of none other than "Love Shack." Gotta love it.

Thank God I changed my ringer from "Let's Get It On."

Holy Crap.

My 15 year old is a sophomore in high school. Last year, she was struggling in her English class, so I had several conversations with her teacher about it through e-mail and phone calls. Her teacher was so great. She came up with ways for my daughter to improve her comprehension while reading at home. She got her to start journaling, and since my daughter had a back injury from volleyball, she even let her take extra breaks and stretch during the three day long standardized testing. She truly went above and beyond the call of duty. She was just so great, and I was grateful to have someone so caring looking over my daughter while she was in school.

Then last week, this happened...

O.C. Teacher Charged With Having Sex With Student

CBS) SANTA ANA, Calif. A Trabuco Hills High School English teacher was charged Tuesday with seven counts of having sex with a male student.

Alyssa Ann Johnson, 31, who is free on $50,000 bail, was charged with three counts each of unlawful sexual intercourse and oral copulation of a minor and one count of sodomy with a person under 18, Orange County District Attorney spokeswoman Farrah Emami said.

Johnson, of Tustin, is scheduled for arraignment on Dec. 21, Emami said. If convicted, Johnson faces up to seven years in prison.

Johnson is accused of having sex on multiple occasions between July 4 and Nov. 14 with a student she met while teaching at Trabuco Hills High School. She was arrested Wednesday at her home by sheriff's investigators, who received word of the allegations through officials at the Mission Viejo school, said sheriff's spokesman Jim Amormino.

Johnson has been placed on administrative leave, Amormino said.

The student "took an English class from her," Amormino said, declining to release any additional information that could identify the youth, other than to say that he is "older than 14 and younger than 18."

Johnson, who was booked on suspicion of oral copulation, posted $50,000 bail and was released on Thanksgiving Day, Amormino said.

She had been a teacher at the school for about four years, Amormino said.

Holy crap.

What makes a grown woman not only risk her job, but risk going to jail? Not to mention the welfare of that 16 year old boy. I'm absolutely shocked.

People are weird.

The Lovely Chera...

Thursday night I had to say goodbye to one of the most important people in my life - my friend Chera. She has accepted a position in Baltimore and left this weekend on her cross country move. It's a great opportunity for her, not only professionally, but to get a fresh start which she feels she needs right now.

Letting her go was torture. I threw her a little going away party Thursday night that was an absolute blast (after which, my house looked like the frat house in Animal House)! We definitely sent her off right. We take pictures just about everywhere we go, even if it's just a concert; two of which I posted above. Isn't she beautiful? I put copies of all of our pictures into a photo album for her and gave it to her at the party. I couldn't even get through it without toally losing it. By the end of the night both of us were a mess.

We met when we worked in the same department at the company I still work for. She was so sweet, kind of quiet, and had the slightest trace of the most charming southern accent. We discovered that in spite of our age difference (I'm 11 years older than she), we have so much in common. It's definitely not obvious, though. On the outside, our lives are very different. But on the inside, our friendship is a perfect match. We're each other's family - both non-judgemental and lovingly accepting of the other, even when we don't agree with the other's decisions. During our friendship, we've both had some really hard times, and we're always there for each other. When I cry she cries, and that's the truest sign of deep friendship. She used to come over with a bottle of wine and we'd lock ourselves in my bedroom, sit on the bed and talk for hours. Or just sit on my kitchen counter, knowing we could totally be ourselves. We both LOVE to have fun and everything we do together is a blast - if it doesn't start out that way, we turn it into one. There is never a dull moment when we're together, and 99% of my crazy stories have Chera right at the center. In the second picture, we were at a Chippendale's show which Chera got a free tickets to. Neither one of us would pay for tickets for that, but when she heard on the radio that you could e-mail in why you thought you should get free tickets, I think she did it just for the challenge! She wrote in and said her friend Stephanie was a single mom working two jobs, never got out to have fun and really needed a night out. Needless to say, we got the tickets and those T-Shirts were part of our "Spank You" gifts that we also won.

Chera and I will never lose each other, but the void in my life on a day to day basis will be huge without her here. I love her so much.

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

"Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street...

...OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest...


...And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!"

---Dr. Seuss

Happy Birthday, JOHN!!

It's John's birthday today! Yup. He's the big 2-9.
Oh my gosh - I wonder if he knows how close he is to being officially old like me. ;) If you aren't familiar with John, please read this before you do anything else.

Seriously.

Go.

Read it - we'll wait.

Now that you know how incredible this man is, let me offer this...
In honor of my sweet friend John, my words sadly fall short, so I thought I would call on some old and familiar friends to help me out...

By one of my favorite authors...
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

"No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever."
- Francois Mocuriac

"It's the friends you can call up at 4am that matter."
- Marlene Dietrick

John, you are all of these to me. My life is richer for knowing you. My soul sleeps more soundly at night knowing you're my friend.
And on this incredibly special day that you were born, I know that God is looking down on this earth and smiling at who you've become.

Love is at it's best when you have others to divide it with. May your coming year be filled with long division.

I love you, my friend. May your day be blessed.

Finally. A Breakthrough.

I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I've spent so much time and energy lamenting the fact that I'm still single, as you know from a previous post. And, as many of you know, I consider myself a spiritual person with the belief that God wants what's best for me on this earth. Bear with me here.

I've spent quite a bit of time lately asking God what it all means...Why am I still single? Have I done the right thing by ending my past relationships when I did? Will I ever find my soul mate and one day marry again? Have I met this person already and just not seen the signs?

I've had what I believe to be an epiphany. After much thought and prayer, God has made it very clear to me...

He wants me to marry the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls.

Irrefutable Signs That I Have Become My Mother...

1. The sheer number of fast food napkins in the glove box of my car, "just in case."
2. The way my daughters complain that I speak like this, "I think we should go to...um...uh...um...yeah...What was the question?"
3. My brand new Spode Christmas Dinnerware, service for 8.
4. How I walk out of Big Lots with my girls (CA's equivalent to the 99 cent store), and say to them, "Don't touch your eyes!"
5. The fact that I use a variation of the, "Because I said so" response, only mine sounds more like, "Because I AM the boss of you!"
6. The number of tupperware lids I have in my cupboard that have no actual tupperware to cover.
7. My inability to throw away a perfectly good ziplock baggie if it can be reused.
8. The fact that I have bottles of salad dressing in my refridgerator that pre-date the millennium.
9. The way I walked into my 15 year old's bedroom the other night and whined, "I only saw you for five minutes today. We never spend any time together anymore!" Wha,wha,wha...
10. My inability to purchase something spontaneous for my kids because in the back of my mind I'm really thinking, "I think I have a coupon for that..."

...And these are just the ones I'm willing to admit.

Any of you turning into your mother? Let me know and make my day! ;)

AWWWWWWWWW.......

I had the sweetest conversation the other day with one of my dealers. His name is Magnus. He's Swedish and looks much like I imagine a Nordic God would look. He has a really strong accent, which just makes him even cuter, and he's a really nice and sensitive guy.
There are only two people at this dealership and I usually call to speak to Alex, the owner, after talking to Magnus for a few minutes. I see them in person probably once every two weeks, over the last year and a half.
Magnus is always watching out for beach volleyball tournaments for my daughter and always wants to hear about what's going on in my life. He truly is as kind as he is gorgeous.
This is what he said, almost word for word...

"Steph! How are you?! I have to tell you something! (this part was a little funny to me, since I haven't seen him in about a week and I don't even do business directly with him) Someone called the other day and Alex answered the phone. Right away he started saying, 'OH! I'm so sorry! How did it happen? Please give the family our condolences.' And I tried to get his attention to find out who died, but he wouldn't answer me! He was on the phone for 15 minutes and he was so upset. Then he said, 'How is her daughter? She plays volleyball doesn't she?' And I thought. "IT'S STEPH!!' And I was so upset, Steph, I kept trying to get Alex's attention and I was asking, 'Is it Steph?!' But he wouldn't answer me, and I was so upset! I thought you were dead! And I cried! I didn't know what to do. I thought it was you. And then he hung up and said, 'No, it's not Steph.' And he told me who it was, but my day was already ruined. It made me so sad to think it might have been you! I just wanted to tell you that I care about you so much and I'm so glad you're okay!"

How cute is that?! And how nice it is to think about the impact we may make on other people's lives even when we don't know it.

______________________________________________________

P.S. On a completely unrelated note...Check out this picture of my daughter, the Unabomber.



See the resemblance?

Yeah, I think I'm funny.
_______________________________________________________

P.S.S. I recently saw this sign at the hospital where my mom had her surgery. For those of you who may not know, California has a "No questions asked" policy with babies. Sadly, we've developed a need for safe surrender sites, such as this one. With all of the idiots out there leaving their newborns in dumpsters and bushes, the state felt the need to give them this option.



Here's the great news...I checked and they DO take 15 year olds!! :)

I've Figured Out What You Can Get Me For My Birthday...

In the last few weeks I've gotten hundreds, possibly thousands, of inquiries as to what one can get the girl who seemingly has everything. And I understand your dilemma, what with only two shopping days left. After much thought, I'm ready to tell everyone what they can pick up for me in the next couple of days...

Williams Sonoma.

Yeah. The store. The whole thing.
What? You're afraid it won't fit in your truck/SUV/sedan/Smart Car?
Yeah, that might be a problem.

I was in there today picking up a few things for the first of many birthday celebrations tonight, and I decided it would be much easier to have the entire store at my disposal. Isn't that the greatest, albeit overpriced, store on the planet?
I love it. I want one of each.

By the way, to spare all of my family and friends the unnecessary stress of my birthday being a mere 48 hours away, and most of them feeling like the celebration couldn't possibly be over that quickly...I've decided to forgo my previous practice of having a "birthday month" and adopt the "birthday quarter."
Yes, a typical quarter would end at the end of September, but mine is just beginning. So I'm officially celebrating my birthday from now until November 30th.

(But that's a whole lot better than cryin' about it, don't you think? ;)

When Bad Elvis Happens to Good People...

No, it's not a bad dream...it's Phil Shane - a 5'1" Elvis impersonator who spends his time at local bars between here and Las Vegas. His nickname is Tiny E. My ex-boyfriend first introduced me to Phil several years ago and I've been a believer ever since. He not only puts on an incredible show as Elvis, complete with costume changes and all the hip grinding one packed room of groupies can take, but he also does a mean Neil Diamond, Engelbert Humperdink, and yes...the master of cheese himself, my personal favorite...Barry Manilow! He can knock out "Copacabana" like nobody's business.

Why this tribute to Tiny E? Well, for two reasons.
#1. I spent my 38th birthday at Original Mike's with this gyrating lounge singer, watching him ring in the big day with my friends Amy and Jennifer. Some of you may know Jen from Swank or Skank? (But don't let the title fool you - she's 100% Swank!)
So to celebrate the (almost) 2nd anniversary of that auspicious occasion, I'm posting the following...



The photo was taken on Jen's cellphone so the quality is a little compromised (or is that me being compromised?). Anyway...Phil is not kneeling down, nor am I sitting on his lap. No, he's just really that short. I'm only 5'1", but apparently my heels were higher than his that night. The tall girl in back? I have no idea who she is...obviously someone trying to get in on my Phil birthday action.

#2. I'm posting the memory of Elvis and Jen because Jen was just here last week from Minnesota, and we had a great time on the town in Laguna! I got some of that Purple Ginger sushi I'm crazy about (after drinks on the beach at the Hotel Laguna), and then more drinks at the White House. I think we were both a little worked the next day. I know I was and after reading Jen's blog, I'm pretty sure she was too. :)

So for those who are wondering, my birthday Vegas trip was cancelled. It was just not working out logistically. So I'm spending a mellow weekend with friends and hopefully, will be having too much fun to realize I've turned the corner on the next decade!

If You're Looking For a Naked Shower Buddy, Apparently I'm Your Girl...

I have this little counter thingy on the bottom of my blog that tells me how many people have visited. I don't think it's really critical information, but it's kind of fun. You know, like McDonald's. Maybe one day I'll be able to say something like "Over 3 Billion Served." Although on a personal level, that doesn't sound too flattering does it? Anyway, since it's my blog, when I click on the number, it redirects me to a website that gives me some statistics about my blog traffic. For instance, if you stop by and read my blog, it tells me your name, your address and what you're wearing. No? Okay. So it's not as helpful as it could be. It actually doesn't give me any personal info about who stops by my blog, but it does tell me how you got there. In other words, what webpage refers readers to a particular page. Really useless info but hey, I don't tell them how to run their site and I thought the counter was cute.

So as I was perusing the site the other day, I noticed some funny referral notations. Usually it just says another blog, like when someone links to me from their own site. But then I started noticing some funny Google searches popping up. When someone searches for certain things on Google, my website is in the results.

Here are some of the searches in which my blog appeared (exactly as they were entered by the search engine user):

"mike - no thanks"

WHERE THE TODAY'S YOUTH IS GOING

mostly useless drivel
(Someone Googled the actual name of my blog. That's cool.)

sarah brightman blogspot.
(This search was on the Spanish Google and the results only took .41 segundos)

kenny chesney and vane million

hard work without confidence is useless
(Amen. Glad I could help)

i'm dating a younger guy
(Ouch. The only saving grace about this one is that one of the first websites listed before mine is Loveshack.org. As some of you know, that's my cell phone ringer, and of the most underrated songs of the 80's)

how to use preparation H for under eye puffiness
(love this one!)

Rochelle, my heart

I see stupid people code
(?)

AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE GOOGLE SEARCH WHICH SENDS YOU RIGHT TO MY SITE......

"community shower" + nudity
(I really hate to even speculate, lets just pray my father never reads this :)

I didn't die. Swear.

But my life has been a little surreal again. It all started off innocently enough, during a little weekend trip to the river...

Doesn't that look like fun? :)

My girls and I enjoyed a nice relaxing weekend waterskiing, wakeboarding, etc., and had an incredibly fun end of summer weekend. Then we drove home, and the following has transpired since...

~ On the way home, my car exploded. Remember the cute little pretty car I've described in the past? Yeah. It exploded. Okay, so maybe not literally, but the engine overheated so bad that all four cylinders were destroyed and now I need a new engine. I was 70 miles from the nearest services, my girls and I (and the dog, by the way) were sitting in 121 degrees for 2 1/2 hours before we were found. Good times. The good news is that I heard from the mechanic today and the warranty is covering absolutely everything.

~ The next day my mom had what should have been pretty minor surgery; an outpatient procedure. She convinced me that the doctor told her she had cancer and she had to stay with me to recover. Then she convinced the doctor that she needed to stay in the hospital for not only one night but two. Of course I didn't object because it meant less time at my house. I finally had to take her home because the doctor said there was no legitimate reason for her to be there and even she knew my mom was faking it. I took her home, but not before I lied and said I was going away for Labor Day weekend and she had to go home Friday morning. I know I'm going to hell for it. It was worth it. When I talked to my sister (who lives up north) on Monday she asked if I had talked to our mom to see how she was. I said no...had she talked to her? She said no, she was camping all weekend and had no cell service. I quickly hung up, called my mom and used the no cell service excuse before my sister could. Hey, she owes me for moving 426 miles away (a fact she reminds me of every time my mom has an attack of drama), and leaving me with a mom that will eventually land me on the FBI's Most Wanted List.

~ I started my Astronomy class and I'm loving it! The whole first chapter of my book is about scale - just how miniscule we really are in perspective to what's out there. It blew me away and I can't wait to read the rest!

~ I'm going to a seminar tomorrow morning that my company is sending our office to called "GET MOTIVATED!" Well, okay.
I'm actually really excited. It has some awesome speakers lined up and I'm excited to see what I can learn from them.

~ I started going to the gym again and it's kicking my ass. Enough said.

~ I just watched one of the best movies I've ever seen and I think you should all run out right now and rent it. Go. Now. No really. Go.
It's called the House of D. Obscure little title, great movie! Go get it. And tell me if you did, because I want to know how much you loved it.

~ Right now it's 11:06 PM, which means it's technically still the 6th of September.
17 days and counting 'til I check the next box. And don't think I'm not counting.

...And Here's 50 More...

If you're feeling especially bored right now, and want to see the first 50, see below. :)

51. I love to go out and have fun - dancing, letting loose, having a few drinks, basically getting crazy like I'm 15 years younger than I really am. I wonder if at my age I just look stupid.
52. My youngest daughter has the compassion of Mother Theresa. People comment on it all the time so I know it's not just me.
53. I'm probably the only Christian you'll ever meet who will admit to hating George Bush, and who voted Democrat in the last two elections.
54. When the top is down on my car, I think it's the prettiest car I've ever seen. And yes, a car can be pretty. :)
55. Two college age girls consider me their mentor. They have no idea how much I actually learn from them.
56. I'll pretty much sell my body for the Purple Fusion sushi at a tiny little restaurant in Laguna.
57. At the library today, I pathetically squealed with delight when I saw that they had the newest Danielle Steele novel in stock.
58. I think Bruce Springsteen, Jennifer Knapp, Jim Steinman and Bob Dylan are lyrical geniuses.
59. I love everything French; the food, the wine, the country, the language, the pace of life.
60. If I'm still single when I retire, I'm out of here. For reals (I just like saying "for reals," like I'm 6 :). South of France or the coast of Spain, whichever I can afford. Somewhere where I can see the ocean from my bedroom window and the sound of church bells wakes me up.
61. The grass in my backyard is embarrassing. It's dead.
62. I get my hair professionally cut less then once a year.
63. My middle name is Ann. Please. My parents had nine months to come up with something and this is what I get? Not that it's a crappy name or anything, it's just that every little girl born in 1966 got Ann as their middle name. Or Marie (my sister). Or Lynn.
64. I think my two daughter's names are absolutely beautiful and no one else in their schools have them.
65. I take a bath with Mr. Bubble every night without fail.
66. I will skip multiple meals if they're not worth eating. I'll hold out until I find something that I love. It could be a Wendy's cheeseburger, but I have to love it or I won't eat.
67. I find it almost impossible to turn down a dare, no matter how ridiculous. I consider it a matter of personal pride that I'll do just about anything!
68. The only time I'll open a bottle of wine by myself is when I'm either cooking an elaborate meal for just me (which is not very often) or by myself baking something late into the night. My specialties are Parmesan bread and lemon cake with raspberry sauce.
69. I never eat what I bake. I always wrap it up for my kids or take it to work for everyone there. I always love it, I just feel weird about eating it. I'm weird like that.
70. A medium coke with extra ice from McDonald's is my crack.
71. I just dropped $250 on NFL Sunday Ticket so I never have to miss a football game. Like I don't have anything better to spend my money on.
72. My house got toilet papered last night. Teenagers are such bliss.
73. I don't want to embarrass my friend John, but he expresses himself more eloquently than anyone else I know. This morning I got an e-mail that among other things said this, "In my heart of hearts I know that God is, at this very second, at work behind the scenes of your life preparing the most awe inspiring story of love and romance ever. You know, the kind you dream about." And that's just one. I'm lucky enough to be on the receiving end of an abundance of encouragement from this sweet friend.
74. I love him dearly, and he makes sure I know it's mutual.
75. It's all girls in my house, even the dog and cat are female. We're swimming in an estrogen ocean and most of the time I love it, but sometimes I want to pull my hair out.
76. Some guys with power washers were spraying the outside of my house today and the front door wasn't shut all the way. They power washed about 50 gallons of water right into my foyer. Nice.
77. My friends and I are going to ring in my big 4-0 in Las Vegas on an all girls trip. I'm sure there will more to follow on this one! :)
78. I hate to shop with a passion, and I only step foot into a mall if someone has asked me for something specific that I can't find anywhere else or it's too late to order it on-line.
79. I got my first job when I was 14 at Del Taco. I was too young to make the food so I worked on the "dining room" side of the counter, delivering trays to people's tables and cleaning up after them. And oh yeah, sweeping the floor every half hour.
80. After six months, I lied about my age and got a job at the movie theater. They didn't check those things back then and having a job at the movies at my age was considered to be the cream of the crop.
81. I'm very good friends with my ex-husband and his wife, and have actually taken people I've dated over to their house for BBQ's and other social gatherings. We spend Christmas Eve there every year to make it as easy as possible on our children.
82. My girls are the biggest slobs ever, and it's driving me nuts. I can't wait for school to start again just so they can't be home every day messing up the house.
83. My friend Jennifer got me started blogging and I got my friend John started. Then he got his brother Pete doing it and...wow, the possibilities are just endless here, aren't they?
84. I graduated from high school in 1984.
85. I didn't graduate from college with a B.A. until 2003. "I could have finished; I chose not to. I'm not into this completion thing." (Come on, ten bucks to the person who can tell me what movie that's from! :)
86. I'm addicted to stick pretzels.
87. My daughters are addicted to Lean Cuisine spaghetti and meatballs. Parenting at it's finest.
89. All three of us are addicted to re-runs of Will & Grace. Again, parenting at it's finest.
90. My friend John gave me a book a couple of years ago called Wild at Heart and I think it's the best non-fiction book I've every read. Really. You should pick it up.
91. I turned on the radio this morning in my car and my favorite country radio station has been replaced by a hip-hop station and I'm bitter. Seriously, I feel ripped off and like someone should have consulted me first.
92. Someone from my past just bought me a trip to Barbados for my birthday, for he and I to go together. There were several years when I would have jumped at the chance to have that trip and a healthy relationship with him, but now I made him cancel it. I've spent more time than I care to remember allowing this person to thrash my heart, and undervalue what I have to offer. To quote Garth Brooks (who I really can't stand), "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
93. I'm an incurable insomniac and I have been for many years.
94. I think "Time to Say Goodbye" by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman is one of the most beautiful songs ever recorded.
95. I was such a girly girl when I was little. I took voice lessons, ballet, gymnastics and piano.
96. I just signed up for tap dancing lessons - at my age! I guess I'm still the same girly girl! :)
97. I get the most beautiful sunsets from the balcony off of my bedroom.
98. I have a step-brother and a step-sister, both younger than me. Even though I was 29 when our parents got married, you would think we grew up together, we're that compatible, as they are with my older brother and sister. When we're all together, we never differentiate between our biological siblings and our step-siblings; we introduce each other as brothers and sisters, always.
99. When I was a little girl I would get in trouble for bringing my Nancy Drew Mysteries to the dinner table, even trying to pull them out at restaurants.
100. If you've read all 100 of these, I'm extremely flattered. Thanks for hanging. :)

What can I say. I'm a sheep.

I'm a joiner by nature, which is why I now feel compelled to copy what some of you have done on your blogs recently (don't make me name names, you know who you are).
My first 50.....

Please hold your applause 'til the end.

1. I'm freaked out about turning 40 next month (well now I'm just being redundant, aren't I?).
2. I'm the youngest of three kids, and only because I became a mother before my siblings did they stop treating me like the baby. Now they call me for parenting advice.
3. I'm a big old stinkin' daddy's girl, who still calls her daddy "Daddy."
4. I'm usually pretty frugal at the grocery store, but I'm a whore for anything lavender. I'll pay way too much for lavender body wash, fabric softener, etc.
5. I'm a fanatical star gazer. I just signed up for an Astronomy class at the community college, which I hear is actually quite difficult. I can't wait for it to start in two weeks.
6. I've been in a Mexican jail twice. Once because I truly got arrested, the other time because my friends did and I had to bail them out. The only reason I got them out was because one of my friends convinced the guards that I was pregnant with his child.
7. I believe that love makes the world go 'round. Seriously. I think it's the most important thing worth striving for in this life...those loving relationships that you can cherish when everything else is gone.
8. I love classical music and am listening to it right now.
9. I have a weird phobia of grasshoppers. You can just never tell where those little pests are going to hop next and it freaks me the hell out to the point of being irrational.
10. When I was little, I was painfully shy. I had no confidence until I was at least 17 years old.
11. My ex-husband was a triplet, and even though I knew it wouldn't happen, I always wanted multiple births.
12. I ended up dating my ex-husband after his brother brought him along on a date that was supposed to be with him.
13. When I met him, I was already seeing a very nice guy named Scott who had just been drafted by the Cleveland Indians. I broke his heart and feel a little bad about it to this day.
14. I read about two books a week. Sometimes when I'm really into a good book, I resent that I have to do anything responsible and that I just can't be home reading my book.
15. If someone were trying to prove that homosexuality is hereditary, they could use my family as a case study. I have a sister, two aunts, and three cousins who are gay. That we know of.
16. If I have to have an important conversation with someone, I practice it, sometimes out loud. It's led to more than one embarrassing situation when I get caught at it.
17. I was in a car accident seven years ago in which I should have died. Jaws of Life, trauma surgeons, the whole nine yards. The hospital told everyone who called, including my family, that I would not make it through the day. I didn't see my life flash before my eyes as some will speculate, but right before I passed out I did have a very clear mental picture of someone telling my daughters that their mother had died. I think God saved me to stay on this earth and be their mom.
18. I'm really small but don't feel like it until I see a picture of me standing in a crowd.
19. My favorite color is purple and I pretty much can't get enough of it.
20. I share a birthday with Bruce Springsteen and every year my brother calls and says the same thing, "Hey. Don't forget to call Bruce today. It's his birthday. Never mind, I'll tell him. I'm seeing him later for drinks."
21. Every year on my sister's birthday, he leaves this message for her, "Hey. Don't forget to call your sister today. It's her birthday."
22. I collect antique perfume bottles.
23. I make my own Limoncello and other infused alcohols, like mandarin, green apple and blackberry vodkas and give it away as gifts.
24. I also make my own paper.
25. I pretty much think I'm Martha Stewart.
26. I wear a size 5 shoe and know the only pair in my size that every shoe store will have is the one on display.
27. I've been covering gray in my hair since my mid 20's.
28. I've been to India and to the home of Mother Theresa, where the terminally ill go to die with dignity. I've met and spent time with the nun that took over her mission.
29. I've also been to Haiti where I've sponsored a child for 10 years. I got to meet his family and see where he lives.
30. I have a lifetime to do list which I take very seriously. Some things I've been able to cross off, such as climbing the Great Wall of China and trekking in the Andes. Others I have yet to achieve, such as running with the bulls in Pamplona, getting on stage with Barry Manilow, visiting all seven continents (three more to go) and finding the love of my life (What? Doesn't everybody want to get on stage with Barry Manilow?).
31. I have over 100 cousins.
32. My parents separated when I was 10, but didn't divorce until I was 29.
33. I played varsity tennis in high school.
34. I thought I met the love of my life while in college. He was beautiful, kind and loyal. I broke up with him because he had a business degree from one of the most prestigious colleges in California and was working at a sporting goods store and I thought doing nothing with his life. He had no dreams, and I couldn't imagine a future with a man who had no dreams.
35. I'm half Mexican on my mom's side and Danish on my dad's. My mom is dark and my dad is as white and blonde as they come. No one can believe we're related. I ended up somewhere in between. When I was growing up, I always thought my parents made a funny looking couple.
36. I have one child who looks like my mom (dark skin, dark eyes) and one who looks like my dad (fair skin, light hair, and VERY blue eyes). I love it.
37. My bedroom is my sanctuary.
38. After my bad car accident, I now have what is called Chiari's syndrome. The bottom portion of my brain is slipping down into the hole in the bottom of my skull where my brain stem and spinal cord go. I have no adverse symptoms though, and I probably never will. I'm very lucky. But it's kind of a cool story.
39. I had a really bad lisp when I was a child and also couldn't say my R's. I was in speech therapy until Jr. High, when I absolutely refused to go any longer.
40. For that reason, I had a dreaded fear of public speaking until I was forced into it for a job I had. Now I can get up in a room full of thousands of people and it doesn't bother me at all.
41. I had the same best friend from the time I was 15 until I was 28 when she moved to Ireland. We're still close. Her name's Maggie. :)
42. My daughters are athletic studs.
43. I dated an actor for awhile who was actually on a TV comedy every week. He was a drama queen, but I got to go to cool parties at famous people's homes!
44. I believe in mind over matter and have learned most things in life this way - forcing myself to do that which makes me uncomfortable.
45. I recently had a reiki master come to my home and do a session on me and I think it was one of the coolest things ever.
46. During the fall I put on warm clothes, sit outside and close my eyes and listen to the wind in the trees, and I am at such peace that I think God created that sound just for me.
47. I've always wanted to learn how to tapdance.
48. My favorite movies are Life is Beautiful and Breakfast at Tiffany's, in that order.
49. I have more heroes than I can count.
50. I think I know the most important thing to making a marriage work. Seriously. Feel free to ask what it is, I may devote an entire post to it.

I think I can only hang with 50 things right now, even though I know the list is supposed to be 100. Maybe I'll get to the next 50 later.

I'm having a moment.

The other night I caught Must Love Dogs on cable. I read the book and thought it was okay, but my daughter wanted to watch the movie when it came on the other night. I felt a sad affinity with the main character, Sarah. She's the last single woman in her family and at holidays, her various family members feel the need to hand her business cards of available men that they're aware of. My family isn't quite as aggressive about it, but I must admit that it seems "Why Steph is Still Single" has become the eighth Wonder of the World in my immediate circle of family and friends. Not to mention that everyone and their mother (literally) has the perfect man for me, and would I be interested in meeting him?

I am very blessed. Abundantly blessed. I know this on a daily basis. I have the two most beautiful girls (inside and out) that I have ever had the pleasure to know. I have a family who adores me and the feeling is mutual, and an incredible network of friends who truly care about me and get me. Not to mention that I've been blessed financially and am able to raise my children in a beautiful and safe environment. I just about want to cry every time I write the check for my mortgage, but recover quickly for two reasons: it's all mine and the money is always there. I also very much like who I am. The last 39 years have not been the easiest road emotionally, but I believe that I've learned from the good and the bad equally. I believe that the best we can hope for when faced with adversity is safety and personal growth, and I think I've been lucky to have both.

I am very strong in my faith and believe that my blessings are from God. I've worked very hard, but that in no way means that I'm any more deserving than anyone else. In fact, I don't know why I've been given so much. I've certainly never had a sense of entitlement. I've literally been all around the world and can say with all confidence, "I have been blessed."

So why then am I not content? Why do I see this movie and want to cry about my miserable God-forsaken single life? Why in a million years would I think my life is miserable and God-forsaken when I've already admitted how blessed I am? Why, why, why?

Ask anyone who knows me well (John, Jen...feel free to jump in here and agree wholeheartedly...) I am a fricking catch!! I would date me in a heartbeat. I don't have any weird habits, no obvious facial twitches, no unnatural attachments to my father or any four legged animals. I think I'm a deep thinker (but how do we ever really know?), I love with all my heart, and put others before myself. I chew with my mouth closed, I have a great sense of humor and better than average oral hygiene. I believe I am of above average intelligence, I make my own money, I work hard, and I have almost no inhibitions which makes for hysterical stories after hanging out with me. Not to mention great hair. So what the hell?

Where the hell is my true love, dammit?!

I've been single for 9 years. NINE. That's 63 in dog years, which is actually appropriate to mention here since it applies to over half the men I've dated. I'm turning 40 in an hour and a half (which, by the way, is just my smartass way of saying an insignificantly small amount of time, you know like, "I dated that loser for about an hour and a half." But thank you so much to all of you who wished me a happy birthday last time I used the expression!:) It's actually not until next month). Anyway, back to my griping. I have this sweet man who happens to be one of my dealers (No, not of the drug variety, one of my dealers at work), who is a great-grandpa and who has a huge crush on me. Yes, I can always get the under 28 and over 75 crowd - no problem. Anyway, he says it's because men are intimidated by me and are afraid I will say no. Anyone out there who's thinking of saying the same thing to me just.save.it. I stopped buying that one somewhere around year number 3. Again, ask anyone who knows me (John, Jen...your cue)...I am anything but intimidating.

So, yeah, part of me feels like a total unappreciative bitch for even whining about this. I love my life. I have a great life. And like I said before, I think I'm incredibly lucky, probably more than most. Yet here I sit and whine. I whine for the one thing my life lacks, the one thing that I would give up the money for in a heartbeat - a soulmate. Someone to share my heart with, share the load with, share my life with. I berate myself for all of the mistakes I've made, the bad decisions, the time wasted on dead-end situations, wishing instead that I could have controlled who my heart chose to love. And I watch the clock tick.

Alright. I'm done whining. For now. But don't think this is the last you'll here of this sorry-ass story over the next month.

The Fog is Definitely Lifting!

I've been so out of touch lately, but I think I'm on the rebound! First of all, thank you so much for all of the encouragement from my last post. Joey has had his final surgeries and is doing much better. He needed surgery on his right ankle and left foot, requiring a total of 28 pins, 6 plates and I don't know how many screws to reconstruct them both. In the words of the surgeon, his ankle was "pulverized." The orthopedist is predicting that it will take a year for him to be able to walk completely on his own and at that time he will most probably have a limp. But thank God he's alive! :) Thanks for your prayers.

As some of you know, my girls and I are hard core Steeler fans. And no...not the bandwagon kind...we were there for the lean years. It all started when I was younger and my dad followed the Steelers, and now they're our team too. We wear our jerseys every Sunday during football season while we watch the games. If it's an afternoon or evening game, we go to a Steeler bar that's not far from here where everyone goes absolutely nuts over every completed pass! It's a great time. When I was growing up, we had season tickets for the short time the Raiders were in Los Angeles, and of course we made a couple of the Rams home games while they were here too. But I've never seen the Steelers play live. That is until now!!! This weekend my oldest daughter and I are road-tripping it to Phoenix, AZ to watch the Steelers play the Cardinals in pre-season. I paid way too much for the tickets on eBay, but it was worth it. I CANNOT wait!! We also love baseball (in fact my daughter loves it even more then football) and the hotel I booked in Phoenix is giving us two free lower level tickets to the Diamondbacks game for Friday night, and even driving us to and from the stadium. I'm not telling my daughter about that part and she's going to be so happy about it. She also has been bugging me to get her hair highlighted and I've told her I won't pay for it and she has to save her allowance. For another surprise, I made an appointment at a ritzy hair salon down the street from our hotel for her to get it done on Friday. She is going to be in Heaven. And what great mom-daughter bonding this will be, just the two of us hanging out for a whole weekend together, doing everything we love the most. We both need it. (By the way, the younger one can't go because she's got a soccer tournament. I've never missed one before and I feel bad about missing this one, but she was so sweet aboutme going, knowing how much fun this would be for her sister and I)

I feel so lucky to be getting my 15 year old for a whole weekend all to myself. And she seems genuinely excited to be spending it with me! :)

Summer Fog

I've been in a five day fog. Things are so surreal to me right now, I'm afraid there's something I'm not seeing. I'm hoping it will make more sense if I write it down.

I have more friends than anyone I know. Truly. I say that with no arrogance whatsoever, just gratitude. I'm an incredibly lucky girl to have the number of deep and true friendships that I do. I consider each of them an incredible blessing. I have a group of friends I jokingly call 'the cult,' partly because these women can never leave me. :) We're very tight, very close to each other's families. There are four of us, and we are committed for life. The other three have been a support to me in ways I can't describe and I hope I have done the same for them. I could go on and on about them, but that is not the point of this post.

Separately I have a friend named Rochelle. She has been my best friend for over 10 years and I have never known friendship like hers. She knows everything about me and loves me unconditionally. She knows all my junk - everything I've ever done that makes me cry in shame to think about, the good, bad and ugly - and she never judges me, just loves me. For reasons that are too sad and complicated to explain here, we lost touch in January after 10 years. It is one of the saddest losses I have ever experienced, and I miss her terribly. There have been times in my life when she's been my lifeline and she's the closest thing to a soul mate I've ever known.

One of my friends in 'the cult' has a son named Joey who is 20 years old. I don't know what it is to have a son, but if I did it would surely feel like my love for Joey. Since he was young he and I have had a bond that is hard to describe, but for which we are all grateful, especially me and his mom. When important issues come up in Joey's life, my friend Pam will call me and ask me to speak to him, because I'm an adult whose opinion he respects enough to consider. The years have been filled with great conversations with this incredible kid. He always wanted my opinions on decisions he needed to make, and he wanted to hear about my own experiences and how I handled them. Most recently, Joey wanted to move to L.A. to pursue an acting career. He's been successful as an actor. If I mentioned some movies and commercials he's been in, you would say, "Oh yeah! I know that kid." His mother heard about him dropping out of college and immediately got on the phone with me asking me to talk some sense into him. Joey and I talked for hours and as much as I hate to admit it, by the time we were through, I realized that this was a dream he needed to pursue, and I needed to tell his mom what I thought. So off he went to L.A. Well, since he's been there, he's done everything except pursue that dream. He's messed up the opportunity completely, and I got numerous calls from Pam telling me he was now taking drugs and spiraling downward. She needed me to call and kick his ass and I was on it.

I called Joey on Monday and didn't get him. In fact, I didn't get him on the phone until Thursday. I was coordinating my friends wedding and I could not flake on her, so I told him when all the wedding responsibilities were over, we needed to talk, and we made a commitment to talk on Sunday. He thanked me for calling, said he couldn't wait to talk to me and that he would call Sunday by noon. He never called. I called him, no answer. At 5 PM, I got a call from Pam and she was driving south from L.A., following an ambulance that Joey was being transported in, and she wanted me to meet them at the hospital. At 4:00 that morning Joey, drunk and high, wandered out of his friend's backyard in Topanga Canyon. He wasn't paying attention, fell 30 feet down an almost vertical hill, tumbling end over end with such force that his shirt got ripped off of his body. His momentum was stopped when his face smashed up against a tree. He didn't stop completely, however, and fell over the side of a cliff into a ravine below. A couple of hours later, unable to feel his legs, he got up enough strength to reach his cell phone, called his friends at the party who called 911. After several hours, they were finally able to get him out of the ravine and to the hospital. When I got to the hospital, I went to the trauma unit where I learned the extent of Joey's injuries. He has a broken nose, and will need reconstructive surgery on his face. He shattered his ankle on his right leg and will need surgery to reconstruct his ankle. He broke his left foot in three places, and sprained his wrist. But by far the worst injury is to one of his lumbar vertebrae. It completely shattered, called a burst fracture. I saw the x-rays and the vertebrae was in at least a hundred little pieces, some of which were embedded in his spinal column, compressing the nerves there. One piece tore the lining that covers his spinal cord. Joey should have died in that ravine, but he didn't. He should never walk again, but he will. After two surgeries to repair the vertebrae, the doctors have implanted a titanium cage in place of the shattered vertebrae, and they successfully removed all of the bone fragments from his spinal column, without causing major trauma to the nerves. They were also able to repair the torn tissue covering his spinal cord. It is an absolute miracle. The second surgery was this morning and was a success, as was the first. It's hard to gauge his mobility in his feet because of the injuries to his foot and ankle, but he has feeling in both.

As I was leaving the hospital today, I ran into my friend Rochelle's younger sister, who strangely didn't seem at all surprised to see me - that is until I asked what she was doing there. She assumed we were there for the same reason - to see Rochelle. My heart absolutely dropped. I was terrified that something had happened to this beautiful and priceless friend of mine. Whatever had happened six months ago to separate us no longer mattered. Last night she had a seizure and lost consciousness while standing in her kitchen. There was no one there to catch her and she fell flat on her face on her kitchen floor, splitting her forehead and breaking her nose. She had surgery this morning and thankfully, will recover fully. Since we haven't spoken for six months, and I had no idea how she would receive me walking into her hospital room, I nervously followed her sister down the hall. At first she was too groggy to respond to me, then when she did all she asked was how I knew she was there. She was disoriented and didn't really understand much of what I was saying, but at least she knew I was there. I stayed for several hours, knowing that I was given this chance to restore our friendship, one that leaves an ache in my heart to this day because of the way it ended six months ago. I knew I couldn't let her go again. Back then she was swimming in self-destruction and refusing the help she needed to pull herself out of it, including the help I was offering. Instead she buried herself in denial, feeling victimized by others. She thought I abandoned her in her time of greatest need, after loving me unconditionally. Six months ago, we could not see eye to eye, and there is a part of me that feels I let her down. I've spent six months mourning a friendship that I thought was irreparably damaged.

Between these two recent events, and Lisa losing her son a couple of weeks ago, I'm no longer sure of anything anymore. I feel lost, and that I'm floundering in the uncertainty that is surrounding those I love; surrounding all of us. I'm having to sit back and watch some of those most dear to me suffer incredible pain, life-altering tragedies and, in Lisa's case, insurmountable loss. My boss was nice enough to let me work from the hospital and not worry about coming into my office or going out in the field. I've been at the hospital pretty much 24/7 since Sunday. So down the halls I walk, between Rochelle's room and ICU where Joey sleeps, laptop in hand, the picture of professionalism and confidence. Confidence has always been something I can fake very well. But right now I'm a fraud. My confidence has not just been shaken, but the chair has been pulled out from underneath it. If I took the time to lean against one of those walls, I would surely slide down it in a heap of tears and confusion.

I don't know. I have no answers. I'm in a fog.

As I was saying goodbye to Rochelle today, she was half asleep. I took her hand, leaned over and told her I love her. And she whispered back, "I love you too. As much as I ever have."

To see the blessing in all of this means to thank God that after months of rehab, Joey will walk again. Rochelle will heal. And I have my best friend back.

Good Times...

I've been thinking that I've really had so little to blog about lately and so I haven't taken the time to sit down and write. As I was thinking today, however, I realized that I've had so many cool things happen over the last week, that I'll just throw those out and hopefully, you guys will enjoy hearing about them.

~ First and Foremost...Yup! See those purple flowers up there? Just arrived today from my sweet friend John, the one I absolutely don't deserve. No reason, just to make me smile - and they sure did.

~ On Sunday of last week, I got to pick up my daughters from the airport after they had been gone for about a week. It was a good break for a few days, especially after having my entire family at my house the previous week, but then I just really missed them. Picking them up was a treat! My friend Sara went with me and they just cracked me up from the minute I walked into the airport. As we're driving home, my 11 year old says from the backseat, "Guess what?! We sat next to the nicest lady on the plane! She gave us gum!!" And then, totally deadpan says, "Only she poured it out of an envelope and now I can't feel my tongue." She is hysterical, and her comic timing is perfect!

~ On Tuesday night, my friend Chera and I went to a wine tasting at a local wine bar. We do this occasionally, but it wasn't our borderline alcoholic tendencies that got us there that night - it was our cheap asses. They were giving away a free insulated double wine bag with bottle opener to the first 20 customers. Needless to say, we were on it!

~ Last night, my girls were at their dad's house so Chera came over for some martinis, and I whipped up some chicken Caesar salads. We spent the entire night sitting on my kitchen counter while discussing a book that Work in Progress turned me onto called The Wisdom of a Starry Night. It is the coolest book with a beautiful work of art on one page and a thought provoking question on the other, such as "Who is in your inner circle?," and "When do you feel at peace?" I absolutely LOVE this book (thank you WIP) and it made a great night for Chera and I last night as we went through it answering the questions to each other.

~ And last, but certainly not least...I had one of the greatest experiences of my recent past just a couple of nights ago. As some of you know, I'm approaching a milestone birthday. To paraphrase Carrie Bradshaw, I'm getting ready to check the next box. Turning the big 4-0, and not adjusting very well to my impending old age. Knowing that makes this story all the more sweet. While out a couple of weeks ago, I met a very young man who wanted to take me out sometime. Now I have admitted that I do have a thing for younger men (a sad reminder), but it's not like it's really ever going to work out with an enormous age difference. But it was flattering and I really thought why the hell not go for one drink? So I met this young man, whose name is Brian, at a restaurant in town with a patio. As we were walking outside to the patio, the owner stopped us to let us know that they were only open for drinks, and then asked Brian for his ID. I continued to get settled in my seat and the conversation continued like this:

Owner: I'm going to have to see your ID, too.
Steph: Really?
Owner: Oh yeah. I have a daughter who's older than you.
Steph: Reeaalllly?
Owner (while he looks at my ID): Whoa. I didn't realize you were so old.
Steph: No problem! I appreciate you asking for it!

Meanwhile, at the next table, is a family eating dinner. After overhearing the conversation, the father said, "Okay, now I have to ask...because you don't look like you could be even be approaching 30! I need to know..."
To which I respond, "Thanks!! You're my new best friend. I LOVE you!!!" And he continues, "No, there's no way you're even near 30!" At which time he turns to his wife and say, "I'm sorry, honey, I have to ask her (looks at me)...how old are you?" I respond with, "I'm about an hour and a half away from turning 40." Both the man and his wife said, "WHAT?! NO WAY!" And of course, I am eating this up. Every single word of it! :) I said, "Let's do this again next week...same time, same place, okay? Here let me buy a drink for my new best friends!" It was hysterical! Then to make the night even funnier, the man turns to my date and says, "Alright...now I really have to know...how old are you?" Brian replied, "Twenty-seven." The man went nuts. He said, "Yeeeeeaaaaahhhh!!!!!!" I looked at his wife and we smiled, both knowing that if we weren't there, they be locked in a man-hug, with this man high-fiving Brian and patting him on the back! That whole experience was about enough to sustain me through the rest of the year! :)

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Changing Direction...

This is where I live. My own backyard (well, actually my front yard since behind me is a road). It's a beautiful lake, rather small, but incredibly peaceful. It only takes about fifteen minutes to walk the mile around the lake and it's one of the most peaceful times of the day for me.

Yesterday, July 4th, I took this picture while walking back towards my house. The blankets on the bank of the lake are not Orange County's contribution to the AIDS quilt, as it might look, just the community reserving their spots for prime firework viewing.

Now, my camera doesn't do this picture the justice it deserves. The greens are much greener, the mountains more majestic, and on some of the smaller trees in front, there are the most beautiful purple flowers.

The funny thing about this picture is how I came to take it. I was at the Beach Club - a man made lagoon on the side of the lake I was standing on, about 30 yards down the path from my house. The lake water is nasty and not good for swimming, so my community has built a small lagoon with chlorinated water, sand and picnic areas for families to gather. There's just a narrow bridge separating the lagoon from the real lake water. Needless to say, it was packed for the 4th.

I went early to reserve a lounge chair on the sand, and at 8 AM I got the very last one. I was meeting my friends that night for a yacht ride around Newport Harbor to watch the fireworks (very hoity toity :), but spent the early part of the day by myself, so I only needed one chair. Since I live so close, I would just walk home whenever I needed something. Being the Coke addict that I am (the liquid kind), and fountain Coke snob, I walked at one point to the Carl's Jr. that sits in the shopping center around the other side of the lake. I'm a terrible creature of habit. I walk the same way around every day, same direction, same path, stopping at the same spots to look at the beauty of the lake. Coming back from Carl's Jr., however, it made more sense to backtrack to the Beach Club the way I came. And I'm so glad I did. How is it possible that after living on this lake for 8 months, and walking around it every day - morning or evening and sometimes both - I have never seen this beautiful perspective? I always walk around the other way and this scene ends up at my back, or I end up walking right underneath it, basically not seeing it from the same angle. I am certainly no philosopher, but how have I become so narrow minded, going through life with blinders on, and essentially blocking out that which is beyond my limited and "comfortable" perspective? It made me think about what something as small and simplistic as changing your direction can lead to. I'm not someone who embraces change, but rather rolls with it. I can't say I don't like change because I feel like I'm an adventurous person, who seeks out new and exciting life experiences. But that's not change. That's adventure. Change is like what's coming up for me shortly, when I have to dust off my resume and, for possibly the first time in my life, seek out a position that has not been offered to me. And let me tell ya...the biggest thing that came with this new pretty house on the lake is the mortgage, which I'm pretty sure is higher than the national debt. Being a single mom, the kind of change that will make me uncertain about meeting that mortgage is more than a little frightening. I'm having to face life changing decisions about certain relationships in my life. All I can do is pray that I'm making the right decisions because we never really know if we are until we see them play out, and for me that could be years. Staying complacent can be so comfortable, don't you think?

So while I was busy contemplating these changes in my life and my new found perspective, I came home to an e-mail yesterday telling me that one of my dearest friends, Lisa, has lost her oldest son. He was kayaking in Newport Harbor the night before and suffered some kind of a seizure. Because it was nighttime, Lisa's husband who was kayaking with him, couldn't find him in the dark and sadly he drowned, being found by the Coast Guard several hours later. Her son Richard was the father of twin little girls.
Well. Lisa never had the option of staying in her comfortable cocoon, did she? Her life is irreparably changed with a loss that I cannot even imagine, not to mention her son's wife and children. It will probably be years, if ever, that she wakes up in the morning and thinks a career decision means anything at all. Years before she walks around a lake path such as this and cares which direction she is headed. Years before her husband wakes up without being haunted by the memory of that night, and his futile effort to find his son in the dark. This woman who has meant so much to me, an unwavering support in my times of need, is now dealing with something that is too horrific to even gauge. No words can touch it, and yet as a mother, there's that selfish part of me that laid my head on my pillow last night and thanked God that it wasn't one of my own children. Sort of puts my decisions into some much needed perspective. A new job - just not that big. The relationships I'm talking about - definitely not life or death.

I don't know what to do for my friend Lisa - I don't know what to say. And in my floundering helplessness, all I can do is love her and pray for her and her family, that amongst the sleepless nights and unanswered questions they will inevitably face, that peace will eventually find them.

When he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
~William Shakespeare

Seven Days of Pure Corruption...

My girls and I are taking a road trip tomorrow. After my little one's soccer tournament, we're driving up to northern California to pick up my two little nieces, who are 5 and 3 years old. I get to bring them home with me and keep them for a week at which time my sister will pick them up and take them back home, after the requisite trip to Disneyland, of course. What she doesn't know is how much fun the girls are really going to have at Auntie Steph's house. They're already trained to know that when Auntie Steph is around, they get stuff. They pretty much get whatever they want, and I think it's only right that they do. That's my job and I take it very seriously. I'm going to spoil the little stuffin' out of them. It's been awhile since I had really little ones around the house, so it's going to be a week of water wings in the pool, trips to the lake and the beach, snickerdoodles for breakfast, you know...the usual. On the older one's 5th birthday last year, I drove up to spend it with her and she ran into the bedroom in the morning and said, "Guess what, Auntie Steph! I'm five today - I'm a whole hand!!" How stinkin' cute is that? So of course, I told her that I was going to make her a special breakfast for her 5th birthday - chocolate chip pancakes! And my sister vetoed it. Said she was going to have birthday cake that day and it was too much sugar. What kind of bullshit is that? For her first breakfast at Auntie Steph's house, she'll have none other than chocolate chip pancakes. With extra whipped cream.

But this week is also time for paybacks. You see, my sister is very strict, demanding only the best behavior from her kids and hasn't always appreciated my attempts at corruption. The sad part for her though is that I had children first and she set the standard for corrupting each other's kids. When my teenager was just two years old, my sister taught her the following dialogue...

Sister: "What does a doggie do?"
Daughter: "Ruff. Ruff."
S: "Good girl! What does a kitty cat do?"
D: "Meow. Meow."
S: "You're right! What does a ducky do?"
D: "Quack. Quack."
S: "Yup. Now, what does Mommy do?"
D: "Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag."

Yeah. Nice. Not to mention teaching her "See Food," and other slightly undesirable behavior for a child while in public. To this day, she's still bitter that she named a child after me, and I named a dog after her. So this is my chance at total and complete corruption. I've tried it in smaller doses in the past. This last Christmas, I had the 5 year old convinced that my sister got nothing but coal from Santa when she was a little girl. She now speculates on what her mother could have possibly done that was hideous enough for that unspeakable punishment, and to this day will offer possibilities as she thinks of them. But that was peanuts. I need to get serious about this and I'm taking suggestions. If you have any great ideas let me know. And yeah, the usual rules apply...you know...no one can get hurt, no permanent emotional damage, nothing that will get them in any serious trouble with their mother, blah blah blah. But let's get down to the most important qualification of a great suggestion...it must make Auntie Steph the hero. :)

I'll keep you posted.

Words I Wish I Wrote 6.16.06

Love Dave Barry!

"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an arguement on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of great respect, they don't even invite me."

~ Dave Barry

Monday Memories 6.12.06

Just a little warning for those under the age of 18, or those sensitive to explicit content...stop reading here. With that said.....

Did I ever tell you about the time that Kiefer Sutherland went down on me?
Here's the scoop...there's this dive bar near where I live called the Gypsy Lounge, where local bands play quite often. Really just the most successful local bands; most of them have recording contracts already on smaller labels. There's a guy in one of the bands who is good friends with Kiefer Sutherland, so Kiefer sightings are quite frequent. One night I'm in the bar with several friends and my friend Brian and I decide to go to the bar and get a couple of drinks. There was only one stool available and it was right next to Kiefer and his friends, so of course I took it. Brian was standing up on the other side of me. After a few minutes, everyone in Kiefer's group was looking on the ground, all bent over as though they dropped something. Several minutes passed and they're still crouched down looking, so I asked if they needed me to move because Kiefer was just about under my chair looking for whatever it was he dropped. I had already swung my legs over to the other side of the stool. The floor of the Gypsy is SO nasty, that I couldn't imagine anything worth digging around on the ground to find. After another minute, Kiefer pulled out a lighter to see better and by now is almost underneath my stool! He was also dangerously close to my friend Brian by this time. So again I asked if he would like me to move because I felt like he was probably getting to know me a little better than I expected at that point, and he looked up at me and said no I was fine. So I responded with, "Well, okay. In that case then...while you're down there...." or something equally corny and stupid. And right as Kiefer was looking up at me with a "What the fu**" look, Brian actually winked at him and said, "Yeah. Thanks Kiefer." It was hysterical!! We got a courtesy laugh from Kiefer, but we didn't care. We went around the rest of the night and told that story to anyone who would listen, and it has gone down in history as The Night Kiefer Sutherland Went Down On Me.

So Kiefer, if you're reading this, and I'm sure you are...Thanks for one of the best non-sexual sexual experiences of my life.
Call me.

Monday Memories 6.5.06

This is one of my favorite pictures in the whole world.

It was June of 2001, and I was with a group from my church. I had four friends on my team (I was the only girl), and a drover for our pack mule. We flew into Lima, Peru, took a charter flight to Arequipa, a 16 hour bus ride up and over a narrow portion of the Andes into the Cotahuasi Valley, and trekked for seven days until we came to this remote village at 13,500 feet. At our highest point, we were at 16,000. I can't imagine anywhere on earth being more remote, except maybe somewhere in the Amazon. We had nothing but some rough maps, a GPS, and a satellite phone in case of emergencies. We trekked for eight hours a day, filtered our own water from running streams, and basically flew by the seat of our pants the rest of the way.

We arrived in Arequipa ready to board the bus for the very long and winding trip through the mountains. While we were there, however, Peru was rocked with an 8.1 earthquake and the most severe damage was in the town square in Arequipa where we happened to be sightseeing at the time. Everyone pretty much ran for cover, but by the time it was over, the town square was almost in ruins. The church in the picture below, the Basilica Cathedral, built in the 1500's had lost one of it's towers. I have pictures of the church with both towers, and then some taken literally ten minutes later, with only one.




In Peru, you can buy antibiotics in drug stores without a prescription. So I took what spending money I had, bought up all the antibiotics, pain relievers and bandages we could find and started out. We had heard the villages had been hit very hard, and their houses made of mud and clay had crumbled. After reaching Cotahuasi, we took off on our trek, only now we found ourselves climbing over rubble and fallen rocks, instead of the neatly blazed trails the Cechuan people had created. On our way into one village, we came across the little girls in the picture above. They took us by surprise, as you can tell by what I'm wearing. It would have been culturally insensitive for me to walk into a village dressed like that. With more warning I would have put on a jacket and zipped on the bottom leg portion of my pants.

While we were there, we visited four villages much like this one, the largest of them with 100 people total. Each with beautiful children just like these little girls and people who were filled with love and hope, despite the catastrophe that had just occurred. They were so incredibly hospitable to us and so happy to have us there. They opened their humble homes to us, cooked for us, and sent us home with handmade gifts. The lessons we learned from them in humanity and kindness are deeply ingrained in our hearts. As we were leaving the valley, we were sent off with love and gratitude. We knew without a doubt, however, that although they were grateful for the help we brought during difficult times, we were the ones who were truly blessed by our visit.

So Sweet...

You've heard me mention my friend, John. If you haven't, feel free to read this and get caught up. He's an incredible man and I'm blessed to know him. Well John sends me flowers quite often - he's just like that. He sends them every year for my birthday, but mostly he sends them for no reason at all. Today he sent them because he knows the last day of the month is particularly stressful for me at work. What more could a girl ask for? (Yeah, John...that was just for you ;) **

Since he lives in Washington and I live in Southern California, John never gets to see the flowers he sends. And every time I receive them, I say the same thing..."They're so beautiful! I wish you could see them. I'll send you a picture of them!" And I never do. I'm a flake like that. This nice man sends me flowers and I can't even break out the digital camera before they die, to show him the beauty he has added to my life.

So today's the day...I'm turning over a new me! ;)

And what did I tell ya? Yup - They're beautiful!!!

And by the way..."Hey, John! As always...Thank you, my sweet friend."

**Just a little side bar...John jokingly asked me that very question when we spoke tonight and my answer was, "A firmer ass. A girl can always ask for a firmer ass!" ;)

Monday Memories 05.29.06

Since it's Memorial Day, I wanted to remember an incredibly special man ~ my father-in-law, Edward Frances (with a last name that is incredibly Irish and the same as mine, which is why I'm not going to name it now). His parents came over to the United States from Ireland and passed through Ellis Island. He was born in 1922, served in WWII and raised 7 children; two step-children and five of his own, one being my ex-husband. He was a kind, gentle and wise man and I loved him tremendously.

While I was married to my ex-husband, his mother hated me with a passion. She actively pursued ways to show me how much she despised me, as she did with each person - man or woman - who married one of her children. I was very young and shocked and confused by her unprovoked hatred. I was raised to respect adults, especially my elders, and was just idealistic enough to think I could turn it around, so for the first few years I never fought back. Through it all, there was Ed. He loved her immensely, but knew she was unfair in her treatment of me. He always let me know that he loved me and that I was a valued member of his family. He made dealing with her bearable. We shared the same twisted sense of humor and he knew it. When something happened at a family gathering that he knew I would find equally ridiculous, he would always catch my eye and give me a look that spoke volumes. It was as though only he and I knew how completely stupid a particular comment was. If someone said something that could have a silly double meaning, we agreed on those too, and with a look could have each other in stitches.

When my ex-husband was born, Ed was in his late 40's. He and my mother-in-law had married later in life, each with two children of their own, and decided to have a child together. What they got was triplets, one of them being my ex-husband. Unfortunately, he had smoked all of his life, and by the time his triplets were in their teens, his health had begun to fail. In the last few months of his life, he lived in an assisted living home after losing most of his lower limbs. His wife no longer felt equipped to care for him and even checked out emotionally. She lived a just few miles away, yet visited less then once a week. It killed me to think of him alone and I tried to visit him at least every other day. I knew my time with him was short. I tried to make his last few days as comfortable as possible, and I would bring him whatever he wanted, trying to repay him for the love and kindness he had always shown me, even when it was against his wife's wishes.

Ed passed away in September of 1995, at 73 years old. He was the proud father of seven children and at that time, grandfather to eleven. My oldest daughter was four years old and my youngest daughter was not yet a year old when he passed away. Sadly she never really knew her grandpa Ed. He was always so proud of being the child of immigrants and being able to fight for his country, and of raising and providing for his family.

If I had five more minutes with him, I would look him in the eye and thank him for being the model of fatherhood, marriage, love and fairness that he was to me and countless others. I would ask him to tell me one more story from his days as a Navy corpsman, and I would tell him I love him and miss him dearly.

Words I Wish I Wrote....5.11.06

I'm a dreamer. Not one of those head in the clouds kind of dreamers, but someone who has vivid and lifelike dreams on a nightly basis. Sometimes they're scary and too vivid to shake when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes it takes me half the day to recover from a particularly sad dream and there's a dark cloud over most of my day when that happens. When the dream is really good and makes me happy, sometimes it's hard to wake up and realize that it never really happened.

There are things that I don't have the courage to dream about in real life because they're just too big. Fear keeps me from pursuing them and keeps me in the safety of this cocoon I've wrapped myself in. But sometimes I dream about them at night and for a few hours live the life I've always wanted, even if it's only while I sleep.

This is one of my favorites quotes...mostly because it's about dreaming big. Dreaming confidently. Making those dreams happen. In my dreams last night, all the best ones came true. My most secret and precious dreams were lived out and I got a taste for what life like that might be like. This morning I woke up determined not to be afraid of these dreams. I woke up with conviction to live my dreams out loud. To move confidently in their direction because living them for a only a few hours a night is no longer good enough for me...like Thoreau, I don't want to die having never really lived.

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived...I learned this at least from my experiment...that if one advances confidently in the directions of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."
~Henry David Thoreau

My Pride and Joy...

My 15 year old daughter is beautiful. She's also incredibly intelligent. She was in the 'gifted' classes in elementary school, honors programs in Jr. High and made the honor roll all through 8th grade. Then she hit high school - she's now a Freshman - and everything changed. Her grades tanked. To put into perspective how badly her grades tanked, consider this scenario and the extreme parental reaction...
She plays volleyball. Not only on her high school team, but on an off season club team. She's very very good - only 5'5" but she's an outside hitter and although I'm her mother, let me just say...she kicks ass. Her club team won Nationals in their division last year, greatly in part to my daughter's hitting ability. She was chosen again this year for the Nationals team. Her grades, however, sucked. Her father and I decided to not let her go to Nationals (after plenty of warning about the grades). It was the hardest decision I've made as a parent, but her grades really suck that bad right now. I don't know why such an intelligent girl would let something so important slip so far, but she has. I realize it's an age thing. She's 15 - a little bit of this is to be expected, right? But then every once in awhile, I wonder if kids this age just lose knowledge and commen sense on an exponential level. She does have this uncanny knack for song lyrics. It's amazing, actually. She can hear a song just once and sing every single word the very next time she hears it. I've pointed it out to her many times.

This conversation actually took place between us the other day...

(By the way, she is loudly singing a song she is hearing for the second time)

Daughter: That's such waste of memory.
Me: What is?
D: The fact that I can remember song lyrics and nothing else, like what I need for school. I mean, why can't I remember science facts instead of song lyrics?
M: Maybe you put more value on the lyrics (She looks confused). I've seen you look up song lyrics on the internet. Maybe you should look up more important things, like what you study in your science class. (And then sarcastically, I add...) Maybe you should look up Nuclear Fusion.

And in all seriousness, my beautiful and gifted 15 year old daughter turned to me and said...

"Is that a lipgloss?"

Monday Memories 05.01.06

Today my daughter asked me about my first date with her father. Although we're divorced, we're good friends and the memory is a great one. When I first met him, I was with my friend Kris who had a pretty strong crush on him. I even tried to set them up, thinking I was doing her a favor. The first time I laid eyes on him, I thought I would never go out with someone who looked like him. You see, back in the day he was an extremely handsome young man. So much so that in our younger years, even other men would come to me and say, "Wow Steph. Your husband is a good looking man!" I assumed that someone who looked as good as he did would be cocky and shallow. I can see so clearly how he looked back then.
I was supposed to have a date with his twin brother (actually, his triplet brother - they also have a triplet sister). But when his brother came to see me in San Diego (where I was in college at the time), he brought him with him and as they say...the rest is history. His brother didn't care that we hit it off so well, in fact he was engaged to someone else and had plans to cheat on her by coming to see me. Obviously I had no guilt about liking his brother. My friend Kris knew we had a strong connection and encouraged me to go out with him - she was later a bridesmaid in our wedding. :)
I remember him walking into the room on that night, and as soon as we saw each other, we were inseparable. He asked me out for later in the week and he again came to San Diego. I had a convertible and offered to drive. I wanted to show him the best of San Diego and took him to La Jolla with the top down. We went to the Hard Rock Cafe for lunch - this was 1989, so that was still a novelty. Since I drove, he had just taken some money out of his wallet and gotten in my car, leaving his wallet in his truck. During lunch I learned that the person I assumed was stuck up was actually so down to earth. He told me about his family with seven kids (!), and his bond with them was touching. He was the exact opposite of what I expected just by looking at him. At the end of lunch, it turned out that he hadn't taken enough money out of his wallet to pay for lunch. He had to admit that he didn't have enough money (and had also left his credit cards in his wallet back at my house) so I left him at the restaurant while I ran around La Jolla looking for an ATM so we could pay for lunch. How embarrassing that must have been for him! But he handled it with class and humor. We then went to another restaurant/bar where we had some margaritas and then I took him to the cliffs in Solana Beach - the best place in San Diego County to watch the sunset. After that we were inseparable. He lived in Orange County, where we both grew up, so he was an hour away, but every night from then on he drove to San Diego after work. We were married a year and a half later.
Even though we're divorced now, for a variety of reasons, we both look back on those days with fondness. We were very young - only 22 - and stupid. We had no idea what it took to have a successful marriage. Neither one of us had seen a good model of marriage growing up. But mostly we look back in fondness because we know we were madly in love. Yes, we know the beauty that came from our marriage - I'm convinced that we never regret that which leads to the birth of our children - but it was more than that. It was young love and idealism at it's finest.
We've grown up so much since then. We've been apart for almost ten years, he's married to someone else (who is exponentially a better fit for him than I ever was), and we still maintain love and respect for each other that allows us nothing but sweet memories.

Words I Wish I Wrote...

Many years ago I bought a book called Words I Wish I Wrote by Robert Fulgham. You might know him from his "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" essay. The book was filled with quotes, song lyrics, even Scriptures that particularly moved him. I fell in love with the idea and several years ago started my own. One of my favorites is the quote at the top of my blog.

My friend John particularly appreciated mine, so one year for his birthday I got him started on his own copy, leaving all but a couple of the pages blank, ready to be filled with his own version of words he wished he wrote (and by the way, if you would like to be lifted up, read his incredible post called "The Night Is Young And So Is She").

I am so blessed by the wisdom and humor of others and I decided to share a little of it on my blog. So here's the first installment of Words I Wish I Wrote, by Steph....

I love this quote, because it really reminds me of myself!

"I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries"
~Theodore Isaac Rubin

I suck.

You know how on my kids birthdays every year I wake them up at the exact time they were born and tell them the story of how the day started, the trip to the hospital, who was there, how excited we were, all that stuff? Yeah, well apparently I've been getting my younger daughter's time wrong for 11 years now. Ironically, it's my older daughter that could really give a rip about it, but the little one loves it. It's so important to her that on her birthday this year she asked me over and over, "Does daddy know what time I was born?" And she had tears in her eyes, anticipating the answer to be no. I said, "Of course he does - 7:23 AM - he was there too, and he would never forget such an incredible moment!" Then I went and hid somewhere while I called my ex-husband and told him exactly what time to call her in the morning, because of course he had no clue.

So this morning, we're driving in the car and she takes a copy of her birth certificate out of my purse to look at it. I'm carrying it around because I need to turn it in to her soccer club this afternoon. She looked at it and made a joke like, "Oh good. I was born." I glanced over at the birth certificate and in the upper right hand corner is the time she was born. 8:05 AM. Nice. So of course, I distracted her by pointing to her dad's signature and took it out of her hands, saying something like, "What?! I gave birth to you and they didn't even let me sign your birth certificate?!" And with that I folded it up, put it back in my purse and moved on, essentially delaying the moment when she discovers that our 7:23 AM birthday memories have all been a sham! Parenting at it's best.

If you don't hear from me in a week...

...check the back of your milk carton.

I've had a completely surreal experience that I'm still sort of reeling from. I had a date - two dates to be exact. That's not the surreal part. It's the aftermath. I went out with someone last week and again over the weekend. I wasn't really crazy about him, although his first impression last week was pretty good. I spoke to him about 5 or 6 times before we went out. Unfortunately, before our first date, I had also made plans with him for Saturday night - trust me, I know that was my biggest mistake. By Saturday, I knew I had no interest in dating him again. Apparently he had other ideas. After the first date he sent me a poem. I'm not really into people I don't know writing me creepy, stalker-like poems. After the second date, he wrote me another one - this one about the "Embodiment of a Woman" in which he said was describing me. It was just really creepy. The same day, he sent me our "Zodiac Compatibility." He continued to creep me out. Really bad.
He was what my friends and I refer to as a "man-bitch" - although he's male, he turned out to be effeminate and catty, not to mention he walked like a girl. I decided not to see him again. That's when the creepy voicemails, IM's, and e-mails began - all culminating in the following e-mail. I'm amazed and disturbed by the amount of time and effort put into insulting me by someone who barely knows me. Prior to this I had asked him not to contact me any more, because I had at least ten voicemails, e-mails, instant messages, etc. that were all psychotic, just in 24 hours. As you read this, keep in mind...TWO DATES!!! (Trust me, the e-mail is way too long to be rational, so if you can't hang for the whole thing...I totally understand!)...

P.S. He says he's currently writing the 7th chapter of his book on relationships. God help us all if it ever gets published.

(By the way, someone anonymously asked in my comments what happened on Saturday that turned things bad and what his e-mail comments were which he refers to. The e-mails were the ones I mentioned about the poem and the zodiac compatibility, I received both of those on Sunday. I didn't acknowledge them because if I had, it would have been to say that writing a poem filled with the things that this one said, AND writing a page on the zodiac compatibility of two people who barely know each other is beyond creepy (Oh, I almost forgot - the poem even mentioned the brand of lingerie he fantasized me wearing). Sure fire way to make someone think you're a stalker.
Saturday night, he came to pick me up to watch the UFC fights at my friend's house. When he entered my house (a half an hour late), he walked past me into the living room, dining room, and then into the kitchen, basically giving himself his own little tour of my house, and proceeded to critique the entire thing - furniture, pictures, the layout, etc. He knows the previous owner built the cabinets and countertops and he actually tried to shake them to see if they were sturdy and then he said what he thought they did wrong with them. Meanwhile, I'm still standing in the foyer in shock. I already thought he was cocky by nature, but that clinched it. He asked me what was wrong and I told him the truth - that walking in my house without being invited and critiquing it the way he did was really cocky. So...anonymous commenter...there you go)

Here's the e-mail in it's entirety...

"As in life, we rarely get what we want but often get what we deserve....which is why you are receiving this email from me now. I woke this morning totally pissed that I actually spent time trying to get you to "reconsider". My fear all day was that you would actually email me telling me you would like to talk. I sit here very relieved at the fact that I am not investing any more time into someone who frankly isn't nearly as "enlightened" and perfect as she thinks. In fact, whatever demons you are dealing with that cause you to be so "guarded" and quick to pass judgment are still clearly a part of your life. What I won't EVER do is spend time with a hypocrite. Nothing is more frustrating than dealing with someone who is reads SO MUCH into the actions of others but fails to hold herself to the same "standard". Because of your obvious HYPER-SENSITIVITY, you totally TOTALLY MIS-READ my actions on Saturday night....THEN allowed your mis-interpretation to impact (negatively) our time together. THEN, instead of sharing, I had to pull it out of you. THEN you just level me with a comment that totally doesn't apply. Instead of reacting in the manner which you have over these past 24 hours, I took the more mature and patient route with you than you ever extended to me at any point over the last 24 hours. Totally pathetic and immature.....especially for someone who claims to have her act "together".

The fact you didn't even comment on my emails on Sunday afternoon was rude and insensitive. Again....2 things you CLAIMED you weren't but your actions showed differently.

The fact you feel I made myself appear "pretty healthy" is true. It's because I am Stephanie. I am the kind of man who judges people (and sets expectations) based on their past behavior. Past interaction and behavior is the best indicator or future behavior. When I talk to you each night for 3 weeks in a row.....when you NEVER let my calls go to voicemail (maybe 2-3 times)...then suddenly, within a day of inappropriately being told I was "cocky", I start to receive this sort of attitude from you (who shows NO responsibility or apologies for your rude comments about me on Sat). You also showed NO appreciation for the emails that I sent on Sunday...which just added more fuel to this fire. What just blew me away even more was the fact you IGNORED my requets on Sunday to talk (instead you kept on IM). THEN you took a "bath"....making me wait another 45 mins!!!!! How f-n rude can you be in one day? I don't care if I know someone 1 hour or 10 years.....I NEVER make them wait (or ignore them) the way you did me (a man who was simply trying to make up for the night before and keep your attention). My intentions and interest (AT THE TIME) were genuine and sincere. I assure you....fyour ability to turn someone so cold to you so quickly is unparalleled.

I am not sure if it is a defensive mechanism in you...or if you really believe it...but this whole attitude you project is so inaccurate and unfair to anyone who is fooled by it as I was. I am sure you believe you are a good person....and I still believe that myself. It's just you have a very selfish streak to you that blows me away. It reveals itself in so many of our discussions and areas in your life....and is the biggest aspect of your personality that I knew I would have a hard time dealing with. You are very much a "me" oriented person....and frankly the list of "Mr. Wrongs" you are going to date moviing forward seems very long. Any quality man would appreciate the numerous qualities you have to offer him...however his patience with a dominant selfish aspect of your personality will send him running.

Your limited perspective has resulted in a much needed and appreciated push. I actually feel good about the fact you and I didn't have the chance to spend more time together.....because you would then have to deal with knowing just how big of a loss this is for you. Right now....it's easier for you to simply believe I am some jerk.....but I am comforted KNOWING that you just lost an incredible opportunity to have something that only comes by once in a lifetime (at this "level"). I am sure you will find "some guy"...who will treat you just well enough to keep you. Then you both can hang out and watch the fights with the kind of people who talk and act the way your "friends" did on Saturday. While they are nice....they are NOT the kind of people who I would ever allow my kids around or be around myself too often. Those sort of people are a everywhere. Well-intentioned, ignorant simple people who bring no real VALUE (other than a moderate "entertainment" factor") into the lives of those who call them friends. Don't get me wrong...they are very nice...and can be funny. But the exposure to that sort of behavior and conversation is just not healthy. I want more for myself and my family. I expect more of myself (and whomever is in my life). If that means staying home and watching a movie alone versus going out and associating with people who have so little respect for themselves and each other (including their own kid) then I will stay home.

I tried to think about "why" we met...and I realize it was so that I would have this opportunity to make certain you had someone tell you this. You are an incredible woman with many great qualities to you. I know. However....how YOU responded to me and my actions these past 2 days is so clearly a reflection of how you handle things in life. This was a very ridiculous and small issue that should never have had a life of more than 5 mins on a phone call between us. Yet, your continued reaction to my WRITTEN WORD (instead of spoken word) is what put us here.

YOU SAID IT YOURSELF.....IM IS A BAD THING BECAUSE OF HOW THINGS ARE INTEREPRETTED. YET YOU CONTINUED TO DEFER TO EMAIL INSTEAD OF TALKING....AND AS A RESULT, YOU READ INTO MY COMMENTS THINGS THAT WERE NOT INTENDED. I have a writing style....that you obviously don't understand or cannot read without seeing things as "passive aggressive". I assure you had you just called....ONCE....this NEVER would have happened. So YES...I AM putting the majority of this on your shoulders....because you have been doing it to me for 2.5 days now and it isn't fair or accurate.

How self-absorbed of you. Good luck....you are going to need it.

Sorry you don't feel like "re-hashing" this. I could see why not. I mean...to expose yourself to being shown just how big of a role you played in this would be daunting.

I am so totally disgusted by your actions and immaturity. ANYONE who was sincere and mature would have called to talk. Instead...you chose the cowardly way of email to communicate....and because of it, things were said and mis-interpreted on your part that should not have been.

Hey...you always have the guy across the hall from you. I am sure he is up to getting back with you. In fact....aren't ALL the guys you dated wanting to get back with you? Rest assured.....your streak of men regretting ever losing you in a relationship has ended with me. You will NOT be someone I ever look back on and think "gee, maybe I should have done more" or "boy did I screw up".

See you around during footballl season!!! "