Holy Crap.

My 15 year old is a sophomore in high school. Last year, she was struggling in her English class, so I had several conversations with her teacher about it through e-mail and phone calls. Her teacher was so great. She came up with ways for my daughter to improve her comprehension while reading at home. She got her to start journaling, and since my daughter had a back injury from volleyball, she even let her take extra breaks and stretch during the three day long standardized testing. She truly went above and beyond the call of duty. She was just so great, and I was grateful to have someone so caring looking over my daughter while she was in school.

Then last week, this happened...

O.C. Teacher Charged With Having Sex With Student

CBS) SANTA ANA, Calif. A Trabuco Hills High School English teacher was charged Tuesday with seven counts of having sex with a male student.

Alyssa Ann Johnson, 31, who is free on $50,000 bail, was charged with three counts each of unlawful sexual intercourse and oral copulation of a minor and one count of sodomy with a person under 18, Orange County District Attorney spokeswoman Farrah Emami said.

Johnson, of Tustin, is scheduled for arraignment on Dec. 21, Emami said. If convicted, Johnson faces up to seven years in prison.

Johnson is accused of having sex on multiple occasions between July 4 and Nov. 14 with a student she met while teaching at Trabuco Hills High School. She was arrested Wednesday at her home by sheriff's investigators, who received word of the allegations through officials at the Mission Viejo school, said sheriff's spokesman Jim Amormino.

Johnson has been placed on administrative leave, Amormino said.

The student "took an English class from her," Amormino said, declining to release any additional information that could identify the youth, other than to say that he is "older than 14 and younger than 18."

Johnson, who was booked on suspicion of oral copulation, posted $50,000 bail and was released on Thanksgiving Day, Amormino said.

She had been a teacher at the school for about four years, Amormino said.

Holy crap.

What makes a grown woman not only risk her job, but risk going to jail? Not to mention the welfare of that 16 year old boy. I'm absolutely shocked.

People are weird.

If You're Looking For a Naked Shower Buddy, Apparently I'm Your Girl...

I have this little counter thingy on the bottom of my blog that tells me how many people have visited. I don't think it's really critical information, but it's kind of fun. You know, like McDonald's. Maybe one day I'll be able to say something like "Over 3 Billion Served." Although on a personal level, that doesn't sound too flattering does it? Anyway, since it's my blog, when I click on the number, it redirects me to a website that gives me some statistics about my blog traffic. For instance, if you stop by and read my blog, it tells me your name, your address and what you're wearing. No? Okay. So it's not as helpful as it could be. It actually doesn't give me any personal info about who stops by my blog, but it does tell me how you got there. In other words, what webpage refers readers to a particular page. Really useless info but hey, I don't tell them how to run their site and I thought the counter was cute.

So as I was perusing the site the other day, I noticed some funny referral notations. Usually it just says another blog, like when someone links to me from their own site. But then I started noticing some funny Google searches popping up. When someone searches for certain things on Google, my website is in the results.

Here are some of the searches in which my blog appeared (exactly as they were entered by the search engine user):

"mike - no thanks"

WHERE THE TODAY'S YOUTH IS GOING

mostly useless drivel
(Someone Googled the actual name of my blog. That's cool.)

sarah brightman blogspot.
(This search was on the Spanish Google and the results only took .41 segundos)

kenny chesney and vane million

hard work without confidence is useless
(Amen. Glad I could help)

i'm dating a younger guy
(Ouch. The only saving grace about this one is that one of the first websites listed before mine is Loveshack.org. As some of you know, that's my cell phone ringer, and of the most underrated songs of the 80's)

how to use preparation H for under eye puffiness
(love this one!)

Rochelle, my heart

I see stupid people code
(?)

AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE GOOGLE SEARCH WHICH SENDS YOU RIGHT TO MY SITE......

"community shower" + nudity
(I really hate to even speculate, lets just pray my father never reads this :)

If you don't hear from me in a week...

...check the back of your milk carton.

I've had a completely surreal experience that I'm still sort of reeling from. I had a date - two dates to be exact. That's not the surreal part. It's the aftermath. I went out with someone last week and again over the weekend. I wasn't really crazy about him, although his first impression last week was pretty good. I spoke to him about 5 or 6 times before we went out. Unfortunately, before our first date, I had also made plans with him for Saturday night - trust me, I know that was my biggest mistake. By Saturday, I knew I had no interest in dating him again. Apparently he had other ideas. After the first date he sent me a poem. I'm not really into people I don't know writing me creepy, stalker-like poems. After the second date, he wrote me another one - this one about the "Embodiment of a Woman" in which he said was describing me. It was just really creepy. The same day, he sent me our "Zodiac Compatibility." He continued to creep me out. Really bad.
He was what my friends and I refer to as a "man-bitch" - although he's male, he turned out to be effeminate and catty, not to mention he walked like a girl. I decided not to see him again. That's when the creepy voicemails, IM's, and e-mails began - all culminating in the following e-mail. I'm amazed and disturbed by the amount of time and effort put into insulting me by someone who barely knows me. Prior to this I had asked him not to contact me any more, because I had at least ten voicemails, e-mails, instant messages, etc. that were all psychotic, just in 24 hours. As you read this, keep in mind...TWO DATES!!! (Trust me, the e-mail is way too long to be rational, so if you can't hang for the whole thing...I totally understand!)...

P.S. He says he's currently writing the 7th chapter of his book on relationships. God help us all if it ever gets published.

(By the way, someone anonymously asked in my comments what happened on Saturday that turned things bad and what his e-mail comments were which he refers to. The e-mails were the ones I mentioned about the poem and the zodiac compatibility, I received both of those on Sunday. I didn't acknowledge them because if I had, it would have been to say that writing a poem filled with the things that this one said, AND writing a page on the zodiac compatibility of two people who barely know each other is beyond creepy (Oh, I almost forgot - the poem even mentioned the brand of lingerie he fantasized me wearing). Sure fire way to make someone think you're a stalker.
Saturday night, he came to pick me up to watch the UFC fights at my friend's house. When he entered my house (a half an hour late), he walked past me into the living room, dining room, and then into the kitchen, basically giving himself his own little tour of my house, and proceeded to critique the entire thing - furniture, pictures, the layout, etc. He knows the previous owner built the cabinets and countertops and he actually tried to shake them to see if they were sturdy and then he said what he thought they did wrong with them. Meanwhile, I'm still standing in the foyer in shock. I already thought he was cocky by nature, but that clinched it. He asked me what was wrong and I told him the truth - that walking in my house without being invited and critiquing it the way he did was really cocky. So...anonymous commenter...there you go)

Here's the e-mail in it's entirety...

"As in life, we rarely get what we want but often get what we deserve....which is why you are receiving this email from me now. I woke this morning totally pissed that I actually spent time trying to get you to "reconsider". My fear all day was that you would actually email me telling me you would like to talk. I sit here very relieved at the fact that I am not investing any more time into someone who frankly isn't nearly as "enlightened" and perfect as she thinks. In fact, whatever demons you are dealing with that cause you to be so "guarded" and quick to pass judgment are still clearly a part of your life. What I won't EVER do is spend time with a hypocrite. Nothing is more frustrating than dealing with someone who is reads SO MUCH into the actions of others but fails to hold herself to the same "standard". Because of your obvious HYPER-SENSITIVITY, you totally TOTALLY MIS-READ my actions on Saturday night....THEN allowed your mis-interpretation to impact (negatively) our time together. THEN, instead of sharing, I had to pull it out of you. THEN you just level me with a comment that totally doesn't apply. Instead of reacting in the manner which you have over these past 24 hours, I took the more mature and patient route with you than you ever extended to me at any point over the last 24 hours. Totally pathetic and immature.....especially for someone who claims to have her act "together".

The fact you didn't even comment on my emails on Sunday afternoon was rude and insensitive. Again....2 things you CLAIMED you weren't but your actions showed differently.

The fact you feel I made myself appear "pretty healthy" is true. It's because I am Stephanie. I am the kind of man who judges people (and sets expectations) based on their past behavior. Past interaction and behavior is the best indicator or future behavior. When I talk to you each night for 3 weeks in a row.....when you NEVER let my calls go to voicemail (maybe 2-3 times)...then suddenly, within a day of inappropriately being told I was "cocky", I start to receive this sort of attitude from you (who shows NO responsibility or apologies for your rude comments about me on Sat). You also showed NO appreciation for the emails that I sent on Sunday...which just added more fuel to this fire. What just blew me away even more was the fact you IGNORED my requets on Sunday to talk (instead you kept on IM). THEN you took a "bath"....making me wait another 45 mins!!!!! How f-n rude can you be in one day? I don't care if I know someone 1 hour or 10 years.....I NEVER make them wait (or ignore them) the way you did me (a man who was simply trying to make up for the night before and keep your attention). My intentions and interest (AT THE TIME) were genuine and sincere. I assure you....fyour ability to turn someone so cold to you so quickly is unparalleled.

I am not sure if it is a defensive mechanism in you...or if you really believe it...but this whole attitude you project is so inaccurate and unfair to anyone who is fooled by it as I was. I am sure you believe you are a good person....and I still believe that myself. It's just you have a very selfish streak to you that blows me away. It reveals itself in so many of our discussions and areas in your life....and is the biggest aspect of your personality that I knew I would have a hard time dealing with. You are very much a "me" oriented person....and frankly the list of "Mr. Wrongs" you are going to date moviing forward seems very long. Any quality man would appreciate the numerous qualities you have to offer him...however his patience with a dominant selfish aspect of your personality will send him running.

Your limited perspective has resulted in a much needed and appreciated push. I actually feel good about the fact you and I didn't have the chance to spend more time together.....because you would then have to deal with knowing just how big of a loss this is for you. Right now....it's easier for you to simply believe I am some jerk.....but I am comforted KNOWING that you just lost an incredible opportunity to have something that only comes by once in a lifetime (at this "level"). I am sure you will find "some guy"...who will treat you just well enough to keep you. Then you both can hang out and watch the fights with the kind of people who talk and act the way your "friends" did on Saturday. While they are nice....they are NOT the kind of people who I would ever allow my kids around or be around myself too often. Those sort of people are a everywhere. Well-intentioned, ignorant simple people who bring no real VALUE (other than a moderate "entertainment" factor") into the lives of those who call them friends. Don't get me wrong...they are very nice...and can be funny. But the exposure to that sort of behavior and conversation is just not healthy. I want more for myself and my family. I expect more of myself (and whomever is in my life). If that means staying home and watching a movie alone versus going out and associating with people who have so little respect for themselves and each other (including their own kid) then I will stay home.

I tried to think about "why" we met...and I realize it was so that I would have this opportunity to make certain you had someone tell you this. You are an incredible woman with many great qualities to you. I know. However....how YOU responded to me and my actions these past 2 days is so clearly a reflection of how you handle things in life. This was a very ridiculous and small issue that should never have had a life of more than 5 mins on a phone call between us. Yet, your continued reaction to my WRITTEN WORD (instead of spoken word) is what put us here.

YOU SAID IT YOURSELF.....IM IS A BAD THING BECAUSE OF HOW THINGS ARE INTEREPRETTED. YET YOU CONTINUED TO DEFER TO EMAIL INSTEAD OF TALKING....AND AS A RESULT, YOU READ INTO MY COMMENTS THINGS THAT WERE NOT INTENDED. I have a writing style....that you obviously don't understand or cannot read without seeing things as "passive aggressive". I assure you had you just called....ONCE....this NEVER would have happened. So YES...I AM putting the majority of this on your shoulders....because you have been doing it to me for 2.5 days now and it isn't fair or accurate.

How self-absorbed of you. Good luck....you are going to need it.

Sorry you don't feel like "re-hashing" this. I could see why not. I mean...to expose yourself to being shown just how big of a role you played in this would be daunting.

I am so totally disgusted by your actions and immaturity. ANYONE who was sincere and mature would have called to talk. Instead...you chose the cowardly way of email to communicate....and because of it, things were said and mis-interpreted on your part that should not have been.

Hey...you always have the guy across the hall from you. I am sure he is up to getting back with you. In fact....aren't ALL the guys you dated wanting to get back with you? Rest assured.....your streak of men regretting ever losing you in a relationship has ended with me. You will NOT be someone I ever look back on and think "gee, maybe I should have done more" or "boy did I screw up".

See you around during footballl season!!! "

"I See Stupid People..."

On a Saturday before Christmas, my two daughters and I went shopping at Costco. I'm not sure if Costco is a nationwide chain, so if you don't know what it is, think mega-warehouse where they sell everything in bulk, for a lot cheaper than the grocery store, sporting goods store, hardware store...you name it.
When we pulled into a parking space, I turned off my car, turned to my girls and said, "Get ready. We're about to enter Costco on a Saturday before Christmas. Every stupid person in Southern California is within those four walls this very minute. Don't be scared. Don't be frustrated. Just be ready." In an attempt to preserve our sanity, we decided to make a game of it and count stupid people. Whenever we walked by someone blocking an entire aisle with their oversized cart just waiting to get a sliver of a Bagel Bite sample, we would yell over our shoulder, "NUMBER 1!!" If an entire family of stupid people rammed their cart into us and then just stood there blocking our way for longer than two minutes, we would yell, "NUMBERS 3 through 6!!" Eventually, my girls ditched me to look at DVDs. A few minutes later, I heard a voice from the opposite end of an aisle yell, "NUMBER 7!!!," and I turned to see my oldest daughter trapped between a shopping cart and a wall of hair products, while she was trying to get to me. The shopping cart was actually pressed right up against her stomach pinning her in place, and the person behind it wasn't moving!
Later, when my younger daughter was pushing the cart she said, "I just found Number 12, and Boo (her sister) is in serious danger of becoming Number 13." Now when we're in any crowded place, we know we'll automatically play the stupid person game. We walk through the gates of Disneyland, or anywhere else there are big crowds, and almost immediately get started with, "NUMBER 1!! And NUMBER 2 for the idiot who just sneezed into the back of my head!"

Not long after that day at Costco, I was walking into my living room where my daughters were sitting and I tripped, barely catching myself from falling. Without even looking up, my oldest daughter quietly said, "Number 17." :)

Text Messages From Hell...

I am not a texter. Never have been. Don't think I ever will be. Not even if I had one of those cool phones with a keyboard built in like my daughters. I don't mind receiving text messages. In fact, most of the time the funny ones make me laugh. But don't expect me to return it. I might even forward the occasional funny text. Recently my friend received a text that said, "Hey, the Irvine police just found a naked body with bad teeth and a really small penis. Just making sure you're okay. Call me." Now that's funny. I forwarded that one to several of my male friends. (By the way, John, that was a particularly funny text about Mary Tyler Moore this morning! :)
When my friends text me a funny story or my daughters text me to say they'll be home at 5 PM, okay. But don't text me and say, "Whatcha doing?" No. I'm not answering. You've already dialed my number, just hit SEND!!! Call me and have a conversation, damn it!
So what is prompting this tirade on texting? There's this young man named Mike. I met Mike through a mutual friend and we've all had drinks together several times. Mike's a very nice guy who unfortunately took quite a liking to me in spite of the fact that I'm 10 years older than him. 10 YEARS! It's not gonna happen! But Mike gets my number from my friend and has been texting me for awhile now. I've said multiple times that there's no way I'm going out with him, but I have seen him since then with our friends. I think he's counting on wearing me down, but I can't go there (in spite of what you may have read about me here). Anyway, he texts me continually even though I've told him I don't like to text and I probably won't respond. He continues to text with questions that require a response and I just end up looking rude when I don't respond. He also keeps asking if I want to get together, just for coffee or something. If we were friends that would be fine, but that's not his intention. Here is how the texting went this morning...

Mike: "Good morning cutie" (Yeah. He's in diapers and calling me cutie.)
Steph: "Hey."
Mike: "Want to get coffee this morning?"
Steph: "No, I can't. I'm already at work and I'm swamped."
Mike: "I get the feeling you're not interested. Am I wrong?"
Steph: "MIKE! I'm sorry, I can't have a conversation by texting. It drives me crazy and it's so one-dimensional. Call me later if you want to have a real conversation."

Of course, that whole last text WAS a conversation - the kind that drive me insane!! I'm sure I won't be hearing from Young Mike anymore, so at least I won't have to explain again why I can't date a man in his 20's.

Am I over-reacting? Does this drive anyone else crazy? Am I just really old?

**By the way.....Tune into American Idol tonight to see none other than the legendary BARRY MANILOW sing live from Las Vegas!!!! :)
Whoo-Hoo!!

Bastard

 


He could have been a gracious winner, but instead he took the low road. 

Pet Peeve #5...

...Condescending people.

I got my house!! Yahoo! My loan went through at the rate I needed. My friend Todd made it happen and it's closing on Wednesday. I'm so excited!!

So here's my pet peeve...people who try to burst my bubble by being condescending. At least 95% of the people who I've told about my house have had the same reaction. Now remember, I live in a nice town; people who live here have money. Unless you're like me, however, and usually just squeaking by. But the houses around here are outrageously priced. My ex-husband has a beautiful home which goes for about a million bucks. My mom's house, the same house I grew up in right down the street, goes for about a million bucks. My house is not like that. In fact, it's a townhome meaning it's attached on the side. So whenever someone asks me about my house, how big it is and stuff, I describe how many bedrooms, bathrooms, give them the square footage, etc. and then I say, "It's a townhome, attached on the side." I figure not to mention that would be misleading because I'm definitely not buying one of those big detached homes that are so expensive. And almost every time, they respond with, "That's Okaaaaayyyyy.......!!!!!" Yeah. I know. They say it like it's really not okay, but since I can't afford anything else, then it's...well...okay. I'm really just so stoked and a little proud that as a single mom I can even afford to buy in this area. I seriously never thought I would be able to. The fact that my home is attached does not bother me at all, I'm just so excited to have it. But that reaction makes me feel like I didn't do good enough, like I'm settling.

I wonder if I just have baggage about this for some reason, like I'm overreacting to it. Maybe. But, jeez...enough already.

Oh well, I love my little attached house! :)

My Morning...and 60 Seconds of Sleaze

You know Ryan Seacrest, of American Idol fame? Also the subject of my overused "Who told THAT guy he has talent?" line. He does a morning show on the radio out here, as if he's not annoying enough on TV. I don't listen to the station, but my 14 year old daughter has it set as a preset station for when she's in my car (although I'm pretty sure that when she has her own car in a year and a half, my choosing her presets will not be an option). Anyway, because the music on all of my other presets happened to suck at the moment, I pushed her little preset button in time to hear a breathy female voice say, "60 Seconds of Sleaze when we return." I rolled my eyes and was about to change it again when I thought it might be a good idea to listen to the 60 Seconds of Sleaze that my 14 year old is apparently exposed to. So when they came back on, I found that Ryan was reporting live from Pico Rivera (not one of your nicer L.A. neighborhoods) and interviewing people live on the air. As one would expect in Pico Rivera (a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood), most of the people in the audience were Hispanic with pretty heavy accents. So he introduced each one, BUTCHERED their names to the point of embarrassment (at least for me), and then when he answered them, he actually took on an accent himself! What an idiot. He spent a full minute making an ass out of himself with this fake accent, probably not even realizing that it's really not okay. THAT was the 60 Seconds of Sleaze?
60 Seconds of Stupidity.

So here's the best part of my morning...I'm just bummed that I didn't have my camera! I was on my way to work and I passed a Budget rent-a-truck. On the side panel was a picture of two stick figures, one bending over in front of the other. The one standing upright was wrapping packing tape around the other one's neck and head, so his upper half looked like a mummy. The writing above the picture said, "Packing Tip #48: Packing tape should not be used for mean and dangerous pranks." HA!

God help me.

Young Travis voted for Bush (believe me, I asked).

Does this mean that I get community service credit for the evening I spent with him?

Murder in Pleasantville

I was watching the 11:00 news last night when I heard the newscaster say something about murder affecting a quiet little south Orange County community. I thought it was strange, since I live in a quiet little south Orange County community, and started listening a little more closely. When they came back from a commercial, there was a newscaster reporting live from down the street!!

Check it out...
Murder in Pleasantville

I've said before that I live in Pleasantville. Seriously. It's a private community, one way in, one way out. Very small, very close-knit. I'm talking Wonder Years all the way. It's basically a little loop of streets with probably three blocks of houses and that's it. It's so safe that people wait years to get into my neighborhood. Everyone around here knows about it and when I mention where I live, they invariably say, "Oh...you live THERE? I LOVE that neighborhood! How much do the houses cost there?"

So after hearing the newscast, I decide to investigate. I walked outside with my cell phone in hand (the murderer was still on the loose, so I was ready to call 911) and looked for the camera crews. They lied about being live because they were not in front of the house on the news. I was a little disappointed - I wanted the scoop. There was, however, a police helicopter circling above the neighborhood. So as I'm walking back into my house, I thought, "Oh no! What if the murderer entered my house while I was down the street?!" Damn! Now I was going to have to check every single room, under every bed, every closet before I could rest. By now it's 11:30 and there's no way I'm getting to sleep.

The good news is, several people today have already told me that the murderer was found this morning not too far away. Apparently, he went home and killed himself after he killed the other guy. Whew!

Couple Thoughts From Tonight's ACM Awards...

1. No matter how bad we wish it were true...Kenny Chesney is NOT hot.

2. Faith Hill's hairstylist MUST be fired.

3. At 50 years old, Reba McEntire's window for wearing tight leather pants has passed.

One Very Brief Thought on 'Survivor'...

Don't you think it's funny that we find entertainment in a show that takes a bunch of hard core Americans to a foreign country, forces everyone to survive on their wits, strength, determination and resourcefulness and then picks a 'winner?' And they find the most remote areas on earth to make it more interesting.

The funny thing is that in most of these places, I'm sure there are indigenous people groups watching from a distance thinking, "You survive living MY LIFE for a few weeks and if you Outwit, Outplay, and Outlast the other nineteen whimps you brought with you, you win a million bucks? FUCK YOU!!"

Any lawyers out there?

I don't own my home - I rent. I live in a little suburb in southern California that I affectionately refer to as Pleasantville. The houses are all Cape Cod style (not easy to pull off on the west coast, but here it works), each one has a white picket fence in front (required by the HOA) and a weather vane. My neighbors spend their weekends working on their yards, having BBQ's in their driveways so the other neighbors know they're invited, and we even have an annual neighborhood block party put on by a local realtor because our neighborhood is so stinkin' cute. The feeling of community in the neighborhood is huge, as is pride of ownership. Then there's my house. Think Brady Bunch landscaping, a garage door that has a fungus (I was told by an expert) and is drooping, and when the HOA got on my landlord to paint last year, instead of matching the pretty blue with white trim, the painters made it this ugly slate grey color. My landlord doesn't like to be bothered with repairs or replacing anything that doesn't need it. I pay $2000 (!) per month in rent, and along with the other utilities I would expect to pay for, I also have to pay for water, trash and the gardener. He is so frickin' cheap that I have lived for days with having to turn the water off at the main every time someone had to even use the bathroom because he wouldn't settle for any quotes from prospective plumbers. My heat went out two years ago in the winter (yes, I realize I live in CA and what am I whining for?)and again, he was not satisfied with anyone's quotes.

I live about a mile from my office so it's easy to run home at lunch if I need something, which I did one day last week. I walked in to find that the sliding glass door leading out to my backyard had been shattered. There was a hole about the size of a basketball in the center and the rest of the safety glass was broken and slowly falling off. I had hired a new gardener who started that morning. I called a glass company and then my landlord, who was convinced that a rock had flown up from the lawnmower. I was bummed because I hadn't seen my yard looking this good for quite sometime and now I was going to have an issue with the gardener if he knowingly left it like that. So I called the gardener who met me at my house and basically denied all responsibility for it. I can't prove it, so nothing I can do. Back to my landlord...I didn't have the money to write a check up front for it, and I was a little wary of taking financial responsibility for it, so my landlord gave me his credit card number the next day to give the glass people.

Yesterday I'm at home and the phone rings. My 10 year old answers it, hands me the phone and says, "It's the slumlord." (love her!) He tells me to read my lease and let him know what I think about Article 16 or some other bullshit, basically saying that he thinks I am financially responsible for the repair. I don't think so. He said, "Well if you have people over and something gets broken..." I pretty much cut him off and said, "I wasn't having a party. I was paying someone to take care of YOUR fricking property!!" I can be very eloquent. Anyway, he told me to ask around and find out what the protocol is on this. Like I'm going to say I asked around and I found out I need to pay for it!

Anybody have any experience on this? Opinions? Voo-doo dolls in the shape of my slumlord?

Annoying People

I love to tell stories and I find it very hard to do so in 50 words or less. I realize this. But do you ever find yourself listening to someone tell a story that has absolutely no value and they make it last for like an hour?
I was out last night with some friends and this guy starts telling a story that I had no interest in whatsoever. It was really self-serving, so he was basically just bragging about whatever. I'm not rude, I can hang for the first 30 minutes or so, but at one point he actually said, "To make a long story short..." And I yelled, "TOO LATE!!!" (Did I just say I'm not rude? Oops.)

HA! He Deserves It....

So there's this guy I work with, who I actually used to date. "Date" is a relative term for something that was off and on for about a year in which I pretty much got thrashed. Anyway, I drive a little VW Cabrio and he drives a really big Yukon and in a weak attempt to continue to flirt with me, he often times will drive right up to my car so he's pressed up against my front bumper. He's done it so often that I came out last week to find my front license plate hanging from one screw looking really pathetic.
Well, my office keeps records of everyone's license plates and I got a call from the receptionist this morning saying that someone called in that a truck was practically on top of my car and they were concerned. They also knew who the truck belonged to. Not only that, there are e-mails flying all over my office about how his car is on top of mine and how it's not the first time he's done it - it's like a scandal! HA!! The best part is he's in upper management and this does not look good for him. Why am I secretly tickled by this? :)

In a funny postscript to this story...someone at my office, who I don't even know, took a digital picture of his car on mine and it got around to about five people before it hit my inbox. Which changes the focus of this post for me from "He Deserves It" to "Co-workers - Get a Life!"

Attack of the Killer Green Make-Up

I'm not a huge TV fan, but unfortunately the shows I do watch, I can't get enough of. One of them is Law & Order. I can watch it ten times a day if I have the chance (and if I ever stay home from work, I do, considering they play it on TNT at least that many times). I'm a huge fan of the original and I'm sure I've seen every episode at least a couple times - I never get sick of it! As soon as hear the "buh-bom" I already know I've seen it. I cried when Jerry Orbach died like he was a relative.
I think they've made some poor casting choices in recent years (that blonde ADA, Serena...and how about the one right now with the way annoying voice? I don't even know her name), but I'm loyal. I decided to boycott SVU when it first came out, as a display of solidarity to Briscoe and Curtis, who were the cops on the original at the time, but eventually got hooked on that one too. I even got hooked on Criminal Intent after I finally gave it a chance, and it's not that easy to watch that main guy when he's thinking hard.
So I decided to give Trial by Jury a chance this last Friday night (which probably cements my spot in the 'Get a Life' Hall of Fame), mainly because it was a continuation from the original series which aired on Wednesday where Det. Greene got shot. The main ADA is Bebe Neuwirth. I loved her on Cheers, even though she also has an annoying voice. I honestly could not even concentrate on the show because her face was green! At first I thought it was some bad angle, or maybe my TV, but no...I checked out every other woman on the show and they looked fine. Really nice and healthy. Every time they would cut to her face, I swear, it was green! It's like someone at the Clinique counter told her that if she puts that funky colored yellow and green make-up on, it will take ten years off her age. Has anyone ever fallen for that and actually bought the yellow and green make-up? Apparently Bebe has. Again, I ask...doesn't anyone love her enough to say, "No, Bebe. That's the make-up you wore for the horror flick. Here, try this one." I think I may have just found the one off-shoot of Law & Order that I actually can't watch. I'm too distracted by her green face, wondering if she showed up for work on the wrong set that morning.

And the winner of the "What The HELL Was She Thinking?" Category is...

Hideous

I realize that our country is a mere 200 years old, a little more. I realize we don't have the tradition, history or ancestory of the British. But Cooommee Onnnn..........Doesn't anyone love her enough to tell her that's not okay? Not even her mummy?

Camilla's hat wasn't so hot, either, and this is the woman Charles cheated on Princess Diana with? Please.

So Camilla (and daughter with the hideous hat - whatever your name is)...if you're reading this, and I'm sure you are...whoever told you that birds nests were haute couture were kidding! You should have called me first.

"Emotionally Unavailable?" What the F&#@?!

How many episodes of Dr. Phil do you have to watch before you start actually using those kinds of terms in daily conversation? I was recently asked out by a guy named "Rich."** I hesitated to go because the guy seemed like a flake, but was talked into it by well-meaning friends. After a great date, two actually, he wanted to get together again, asked me out for dinner the following weekend, even wanted me to meet his kids. Then I get a phone call later in the week where he leaves a message saying that he's really sorry but he's just "emotionally unavailable" right now. Is he serious? Who says that stuff? I'm actually thinking of becoming "emotionally cold and distant" because I think "emotionally cold and distant" can kick "emotionally unavailable's" ass any time.
He also called himself a "metrosexual" sometime during the date. So I was on a date with an "emotionally unavailable metrosexual" (My father would be so proud). He asked me to call him back to talk about this because as he says, "Talking's good." I called him back to suggest that he cancel his membership to the Cosmo Self-Help Book of the Month Club, as it really wasn't doing him any favors.
Hearing him use those terms brought to mind a particular pet peeve of mine - stupid clichés. You've heard them, probably at work...Think outside the box. Don't drop the ball. Walk the walk. There must be a disconnect somewhere. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. And my newest favorite...going forward...
Or maybe you've had someone say this to you in a relationship..."It's not about you," or "I'm just not in a good place right now."
Considering how much those types of phrases annoy me, it's a little ironic that I fell victim to a cliché-slinging emotionally unavailable metrosexual. Oh well..no use crying over spilled perfume.

**Rich actually is his real name, the name has not been changed to protect the innocent. I just put it in quotes because after all of those clichés he was throwing around, at this point he has become somewhat of a caricature.