Finally. A Breakthrough.

I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I've spent so much time and energy lamenting the fact that I'm still single, as you know from a previous post. And, as many of you know, I consider myself a spiritual person with the belief that God wants what's best for me on this earth. Bear with me here.

I've spent quite a bit of time lately asking God what it all means...Why am I still single? Have I done the right thing by ending my past relationships when I did? Will I ever find my soul mate and one day marry again? Have I met this person already and just not seen the signs?

I've had what I believe to be an epiphany. After much thought and prayer, God has made it very clear to me...

He wants me to marry the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls.

I'm having a moment.

The other night I caught Must Love Dogs on cable. I read the book and thought it was okay, but my daughter wanted to watch the movie when it came on the other night. I felt a sad affinity with the main character, Sarah. She's the last single woman in her family and at holidays, her various family members feel the need to hand her business cards of available men that they're aware of. My family isn't quite as aggressive about it, but I must admit that it seems "Why Steph is Still Single" has become the eighth Wonder of the World in my immediate circle of family and friends. Not to mention that everyone and their mother (literally) has the perfect man for me, and would I be interested in meeting him?

I am very blessed. Abundantly blessed. I know this on a daily basis. I have the two most beautiful girls (inside and out) that I have ever had the pleasure to know. I have a family who adores me and the feeling is mutual, and an incredible network of friends who truly care about me and get me. Not to mention that I've been blessed financially and am able to raise my children in a beautiful and safe environment. I just about want to cry every time I write the check for my mortgage, but recover quickly for two reasons: it's all mine and the money is always there. I also very much like who I am. The last 39 years have not been the easiest road emotionally, but I believe that I've learned from the good and the bad equally. I believe that the best we can hope for when faced with adversity is safety and personal growth, and I think I've been lucky to have both.

I am very strong in my faith and believe that my blessings are from God. I've worked very hard, but that in no way means that I'm any more deserving than anyone else. In fact, I don't know why I've been given so much. I've certainly never had a sense of entitlement. I've literally been all around the world and can say with all confidence, "I have been blessed."

So why then am I not content? Why do I see this movie and want to cry about my miserable God-forsaken single life? Why in a million years would I think my life is miserable and God-forsaken when I've already admitted how blessed I am? Why, why, why?

Ask anyone who knows me well (John, Jen...feel free to jump in here and agree wholeheartedly...) I am a fricking catch!! I would date me in a heartbeat. I don't have any weird habits, no obvious facial twitches, no unnatural attachments to my father or any four legged animals. I think I'm a deep thinker (but how do we ever really know?), I love with all my heart, and put others before myself. I chew with my mouth closed, I have a great sense of humor and better than average oral hygiene. I believe I am of above average intelligence, I make my own money, I work hard, and I have almost no inhibitions which makes for hysterical stories after hanging out with me. Not to mention great hair. So what the hell?

Where the hell is my true love, dammit?!

I've been single for 9 years. NINE. That's 63 in dog years, which is actually appropriate to mention here since it applies to over half the men I've dated. I'm turning 40 in an hour and a half (which, by the way, is just my smartass way of saying an insignificantly small amount of time, you know like, "I dated that loser for about an hour and a half." But thank you so much to all of you who wished me a happy birthday last time I used the expression!:) It's actually not until next month). Anyway, back to my griping. I have this sweet man who happens to be one of my dealers (No, not of the drug variety, one of my dealers at work), who is a great-grandpa and who has a huge crush on me. Yes, I can always get the under 28 and over 75 crowd - no problem. Anyway, he says it's because men are intimidated by me and are afraid I will say no. Anyone out there who's thinking of saying the same thing to me just.save.it. I stopped buying that one somewhere around year number 3. Again, ask anyone who knows me (John, Jen...your cue)...I am anything but intimidating.

So, yeah, part of me feels like a total unappreciative bitch for even whining about this. I love my life. I have a great life. And like I said before, I think I'm incredibly lucky, probably more than most. Yet here I sit and whine. I whine for the one thing my life lacks, the one thing that I would give up the money for in a heartbeat - a soulmate. Someone to share my heart with, share the load with, share my life with. I berate myself for all of the mistakes I've made, the bad decisions, the time wasted on dead-end situations, wishing instead that I could have controlled who my heart chose to love. And I watch the clock tick.

Alright. I'm done whining. For now. But don't think this is the last you'll here of this sorry-ass story over the next month.

If you don't hear from me in a week...

...check the back of your milk carton.

I've had a completely surreal experience that I'm still sort of reeling from. I had a date - two dates to be exact. That's not the surreal part. It's the aftermath. I went out with someone last week and again over the weekend. I wasn't really crazy about him, although his first impression last week was pretty good. I spoke to him about 5 or 6 times before we went out. Unfortunately, before our first date, I had also made plans with him for Saturday night - trust me, I know that was my biggest mistake. By Saturday, I knew I had no interest in dating him again. Apparently he had other ideas. After the first date he sent me a poem. I'm not really into people I don't know writing me creepy, stalker-like poems. After the second date, he wrote me another one - this one about the "Embodiment of a Woman" in which he said was describing me. It was just really creepy. The same day, he sent me our "Zodiac Compatibility." He continued to creep me out. Really bad.
He was what my friends and I refer to as a "man-bitch" - although he's male, he turned out to be effeminate and catty, not to mention he walked like a girl. I decided not to see him again. That's when the creepy voicemails, IM's, and e-mails began - all culminating in the following e-mail. I'm amazed and disturbed by the amount of time and effort put into insulting me by someone who barely knows me. Prior to this I had asked him not to contact me any more, because I had at least ten voicemails, e-mails, instant messages, etc. that were all psychotic, just in 24 hours. As you read this, keep in mind...TWO DATES!!! (Trust me, the e-mail is way too long to be rational, so if you can't hang for the whole thing...I totally understand!)...

P.S. He says he's currently writing the 7th chapter of his book on relationships. God help us all if it ever gets published.

(By the way, someone anonymously asked in my comments what happened on Saturday that turned things bad and what his e-mail comments were which he refers to. The e-mails were the ones I mentioned about the poem and the zodiac compatibility, I received both of those on Sunday. I didn't acknowledge them because if I had, it would have been to say that writing a poem filled with the things that this one said, AND writing a page on the zodiac compatibility of two people who barely know each other is beyond creepy (Oh, I almost forgot - the poem even mentioned the brand of lingerie he fantasized me wearing). Sure fire way to make someone think you're a stalker.
Saturday night, he came to pick me up to watch the UFC fights at my friend's house. When he entered my house (a half an hour late), he walked past me into the living room, dining room, and then into the kitchen, basically giving himself his own little tour of my house, and proceeded to critique the entire thing - furniture, pictures, the layout, etc. He knows the previous owner built the cabinets and countertops and he actually tried to shake them to see if they were sturdy and then he said what he thought they did wrong with them. Meanwhile, I'm still standing in the foyer in shock. I already thought he was cocky by nature, but that clinched it. He asked me what was wrong and I told him the truth - that walking in my house without being invited and critiquing it the way he did was really cocky. So...anonymous commenter...there you go)

Here's the e-mail in it's entirety...

"As in life, we rarely get what we want but often get what we deserve....which is why you are receiving this email from me now. I woke this morning totally pissed that I actually spent time trying to get you to "reconsider". My fear all day was that you would actually email me telling me you would like to talk. I sit here very relieved at the fact that I am not investing any more time into someone who frankly isn't nearly as "enlightened" and perfect as she thinks. In fact, whatever demons you are dealing with that cause you to be so "guarded" and quick to pass judgment are still clearly a part of your life. What I won't EVER do is spend time with a hypocrite. Nothing is more frustrating than dealing with someone who is reads SO MUCH into the actions of others but fails to hold herself to the same "standard". Because of your obvious HYPER-SENSITIVITY, you totally TOTALLY MIS-READ my actions on Saturday night....THEN allowed your mis-interpretation to impact (negatively) our time together. THEN, instead of sharing, I had to pull it out of you. THEN you just level me with a comment that totally doesn't apply. Instead of reacting in the manner which you have over these past 24 hours, I took the more mature and patient route with you than you ever extended to me at any point over the last 24 hours. Totally pathetic and immature.....especially for someone who claims to have her act "together".

The fact you didn't even comment on my emails on Sunday afternoon was rude and insensitive. Again....2 things you CLAIMED you weren't but your actions showed differently.

The fact you feel I made myself appear "pretty healthy" is true. It's because I am Stephanie. I am the kind of man who judges people (and sets expectations) based on their past behavior. Past interaction and behavior is the best indicator or future behavior. When I talk to you each night for 3 weeks in a row.....when you NEVER let my calls go to voicemail (maybe 2-3 times)...then suddenly, within a day of inappropriately being told I was "cocky", I start to receive this sort of attitude from you (who shows NO responsibility or apologies for your rude comments about me on Sat). You also showed NO appreciation for the emails that I sent on Sunday...which just added more fuel to this fire. What just blew me away even more was the fact you IGNORED my requets on Sunday to talk (instead you kept on IM). THEN you took a "bath"....making me wait another 45 mins!!!!! How f-n rude can you be in one day? I don't care if I know someone 1 hour or 10 years.....I NEVER make them wait (or ignore them) the way you did me (a man who was simply trying to make up for the night before and keep your attention). My intentions and interest (AT THE TIME) were genuine and sincere. I assure you....fyour ability to turn someone so cold to you so quickly is unparalleled.

I am not sure if it is a defensive mechanism in you...or if you really believe it...but this whole attitude you project is so inaccurate and unfair to anyone who is fooled by it as I was. I am sure you believe you are a good person....and I still believe that myself. It's just you have a very selfish streak to you that blows me away. It reveals itself in so many of our discussions and areas in your life....and is the biggest aspect of your personality that I knew I would have a hard time dealing with. You are very much a "me" oriented person....and frankly the list of "Mr. Wrongs" you are going to date moviing forward seems very long. Any quality man would appreciate the numerous qualities you have to offer him...however his patience with a dominant selfish aspect of your personality will send him running.

Your limited perspective has resulted in a much needed and appreciated push. I actually feel good about the fact you and I didn't have the chance to spend more time together.....because you would then have to deal with knowing just how big of a loss this is for you. Right now....it's easier for you to simply believe I am some jerk.....but I am comforted KNOWING that you just lost an incredible opportunity to have something that only comes by once in a lifetime (at this "level"). I am sure you will find "some guy"...who will treat you just well enough to keep you. Then you both can hang out and watch the fights with the kind of people who talk and act the way your "friends" did on Saturday. While they are nice....they are NOT the kind of people who I would ever allow my kids around or be around myself too often. Those sort of people are a everywhere. Well-intentioned, ignorant simple people who bring no real VALUE (other than a moderate "entertainment" factor") into the lives of those who call them friends. Don't get me wrong...they are very nice...and can be funny. But the exposure to that sort of behavior and conversation is just not healthy. I want more for myself and my family. I expect more of myself (and whomever is in my life). If that means staying home and watching a movie alone versus going out and associating with people who have so little respect for themselves and each other (including their own kid) then I will stay home.

I tried to think about "why" we met...and I realize it was so that I would have this opportunity to make certain you had someone tell you this. You are an incredible woman with many great qualities to you. I know. However....how YOU responded to me and my actions these past 2 days is so clearly a reflection of how you handle things in life. This was a very ridiculous and small issue that should never have had a life of more than 5 mins on a phone call between us. Yet, your continued reaction to my WRITTEN WORD (instead of spoken word) is what put us here.

YOU SAID IT YOURSELF.....IM IS A BAD THING BECAUSE OF HOW THINGS ARE INTEREPRETTED. YET YOU CONTINUED TO DEFER TO EMAIL INSTEAD OF TALKING....AND AS A RESULT, YOU READ INTO MY COMMENTS THINGS THAT WERE NOT INTENDED. I have a writing style....that you obviously don't understand or cannot read without seeing things as "passive aggressive". I assure you had you just called....ONCE....this NEVER would have happened. So YES...I AM putting the majority of this on your shoulders....because you have been doing it to me for 2.5 days now and it isn't fair or accurate.

How self-absorbed of you. Good luck....you are going to need it.

Sorry you don't feel like "re-hashing" this. I could see why not. I mean...to expose yourself to being shown just how big of a role you played in this would be daunting.

I am so totally disgusted by your actions and immaturity. ANYONE who was sincere and mature would have called to talk. Instead...you chose the cowardly way of email to communicate....and because of it, things were said and mis-interpreted on your part that should not have been.

Hey...you always have the guy across the hall from you. I am sure he is up to getting back with you. In fact....aren't ALL the guys you dated wanting to get back with you? Rest assured.....your streak of men regretting ever losing you in a relationship has ended with me. You will NOT be someone I ever look back on and think "gee, maybe I should have done more" or "boy did I screw up".

See you around during footballl season!!! "

Monday Memories 3.28.06

When I was 14 and a freshman in high school, I went to the movies one night with my girlfriends. While I was there I met a junior from another high school named Jeff Burgess (yeah, I'm naming names. In case anyone knows him, feel free to kick his ass). It was 'love at first sight!' He was older, sooo good looking, charming, and seemed to like me. You have to understand that I was very much the ugly duckling when I was younger. I was not a pretty girl in high school. I never got asked out on dates or to dances, and I was very insecure and shy. I know, I know...Those of you who know me personally are thinking there's no way I was ever shy. But I was. Painfully shy and insecure.
Anyway, I gave Jeff my phone number and following that night we started talking on the phone every night. I really liked him and he seemed to like me too. It was the end of May and he asked me to his high school's prom. For a little ugly duckling like me, this was a dream come true! I was one of those girls who had every issue of Teen magazine and tried to copy the hairstyles and make-up tips. I so badly wanted to be liked, and now I thought I was, and by a junior!! I was in heaven! Jeff called to say that he talked his mom into getting us a limo and he made reservations at a nice restaurant. I told all of my friends (most of whom had already met him the same night at the movies), and they could not believe my good luck to be asked to the prom by this boy! My mom took me shopping for a dress, shoes, and all the accessories and I could not wait! The night of the prom, it must have taken me five hours to get ready, three of those spent on my hair. And then I waited for Jeff to pick me up.
And waited.
And waited.
I could tell by the look on my mom's face that she had already realized what I was not yet willing to accept. I had been stood up for a prom. He never even called.
I finally gave up, took off my dress and put my robe on, trying to be brave about it and not cry. My sister and I both worked at the nearby movie theater at the time and my sister was working that night. My mom called my sister Jennifer at work without me knowing it and my sister sent one of her friends from work to pick me up and bring me to the movies and hang out with her while she was working. When I got there, she was behind the concession stand selling popcorn and she handed me something over the counter. It was a box from Hubbub (a very cool store in the mall) and inside was a little purple top - just a little present to cheer me up. She was only 15 years old, yet so sweet and sensitive to her little sister's feelings. Love between sisters is stronger than anything else on earth and my sister embodies that.

Good looking junior or not, Jeff Burgess turned out to be a major loser. Something really random must have triggered this memory for me, because I haven't thought of it in at least a decade. But my sister, now that's another story. She took what could have been a humiliating and devastating situation and made me feel loved and secure. She still does to this day.

Text Messages From Hell...

I am not a texter. Never have been. Don't think I ever will be. Not even if I had one of those cool phones with a keyboard built in like my daughters. I don't mind receiving text messages. In fact, most of the time the funny ones make me laugh. But don't expect me to return it. I might even forward the occasional funny text. Recently my friend received a text that said, "Hey, the Irvine police just found a naked body with bad teeth and a really small penis. Just making sure you're okay. Call me." Now that's funny. I forwarded that one to several of my male friends. (By the way, John, that was a particularly funny text about Mary Tyler Moore this morning! :)
When my friends text me a funny story or my daughters text me to say they'll be home at 5 PM, okay. But don't text me and say, "Whatcha doing?" No. I'm not answering. You've already dialed my number, just hit SEND!!! Call me and have a conversation, damn it!
So what is prompting this tirade on texting? There's this young man named Mike. I met Mike through a mutual friend and we've all had drinks together several times. Mike's a very nice guy who unfortunately took quite a liking to me in spite of the fact that I'm 10 years older than him. 10 YEARS! It's not gonna happen! But Mike gets my number from my friend and has been texting me for awhile now. I've said multiple times that there's no way I'm going out with him, but I have seen him since then with our friends. I think he's counting on wearing me down, but I can't go there (in spite of what you may have read about me here). Anyway, he texts me continually even though I've told him I don't like to text and I probably won't respond. He continues to text with questions that require a response and I just end up looking rude when I don't respond. He also keeps asking if I want to get together, just for coffee or something. If we were friends that would be fine, but that's not his intention. Here is how the texting went this morning...

Mike: "Good morning cutie" (Yeah. He's in diapers and calling me cutie.)
Steph: "Hey."
Mike: "Want to get coffee this morning?"
Steph: "No, I can't. I'm already at work and I'm swamped."
Mike: "I get the feeling you're not interested. Am I wrong?"
Steph: "MIKE! I'm sorry, I can't have a conversation by texting. It drives me crazy and it's so one-dimensional. Call me later if you want to have a real conversation."

Of course, that whole last text WAS a conversation - the kind that drive me insane!! I'm sure I won't be hearing from Young Mike anymore, so at least I won't have to explain again why I can't date a man in his 20's.

Am I over-reacting? Does this drive anyone else crazy? Am I just really old?

**By the way.....Tune into American Idol tonight to see none other than the legendary BARRY MANILOW sing live from Las Vegas!!!! :)
Whoo-Hoo!!

God help me.

Young Travis voted for Bush (believe me, I asked).

Does this mean that I get community service credit for the evening I spent with him?

Robbing the Cradle. Again.

I have to admit, I have a thing for younger men. I haven't always, but the older I get...well, you know. I know it sounds a little gross, but it's not intentional. I just happen to meet more younger men than men my age. In fact, in my entire life, I have only dated one man who was older than me. My ex-husband was my age and literally everyone else has been younger. At first, the age difference was just like two or three years, but then it became more like five, and awhile ago, six.
Now, in my defense, I really don't look my age (and I've been told I don't act it, either), so I tend to attract men who think I'm closer to their age, sometimes with hysterical results. Often times, I'll be out with friends and meet someone considerably younger than me. When the conversation gets around to them asking for my phone number, or whether or not I'm seeing someone, I'll always jump in and tell them up front how old I am and that I have two kids (one who is actually 14 years old!). Men have been known to scurry like mice when I tell them I'm 38 years old! My friends and I have gotten some good laughs out of it on more than one occassion!

When I was in Vegas recently, I ended up sitting at a blackjack table for several hours with this very cute young man named Travis (that's your first clue right there - no one born before 1974 is named Travis). I didn't start gambling until 1 AM and we were sitting at the same table for so long that we eventually made it our new goal to gamble until the sun came up. And since you can walk around Vegas with alcohol, he said, "When the sun comes up, we'll go outside and toast the new day!" How cute is that? So at 6:30 AM we went outside and walked around Vegas with the streets clean and empty and prettier than usual. Now Travis is not a bit deterred by the fact that I'm a hundred years older than him (He's 30. JUST turned 30 in March!). In fact, he's driving up from San Diego tonight to take me to dinner. I almost cancelled, thinking that since we obviously have very little in common, why waste our time? But I'm going. I figure if he's nice enough to call me every day for a week and a half, and drive an hour to see me, it's the least I can do.

I'll keep you posted. And I'll try not to lean over and cut his meat.

A Fun Filled Friday Night with the Fabulous Fearless Flyer

Yup. Boy do I know how to party. I've always known I was an exceptionally social and fun loving human being. And what says that louder than a Friday night at home with my Trader Joe's Fearless Flyer, which I have not only read from cover to cover on this beautiful and exciting Friday night, but actually taken the time to circle items that I just don't get.

For example, the Par-Baked Half Ciabatta. ?? You got me.

Cocktail Tomatoes on the Vine. Okay, I get that they're tomatoes, but cocktail? I've heard of Cocktail Parties, Cocktail Sauce, Molotov Cocktails, even Cocktail Weenies. But Cocktail Tomatoes? Are they going to make my martini's taste a little healthier?

Organic Sparkling Lemonade. Who cares? Apparently, this lemonade was made in small batches, maybe so every little lemon felt valued.

The worst part about this week's Fearless Flyer is that it only has two bottles of wine on sale. That's barely worth opening. Usually you get at least two or three pages. If I make a trip all the way out there, I'll probably pick up one of each (remember...I DO know how to party, after all), but I'll probably just stock up on the Two-Buck Chuck. I realize that in most parts of the country it's Three-Buck Chuck, but the fact that it's a dollar per bottle less here is the only thing that's keeping my spirits up about my Fun Filled Friday Night with the Fabulous Fearless Flyer. Hope you guys are all having as much fun as me!

HA! He Deserves It....

So there's this guy I work with, who I actually used to date. "Date" is a relative term for something that was off and on for about a year in which I pretty much got thrashed. Anyway, I drive a little VW Cabrio and he drives a really big Yukon and in a weak attempt to continue to flirt with me, he often times will drive right up to my car so he's pressed up against my front bumper. He's done it so often that I came out last week to find my front license plate hanging from one screw looking really pathetic.
Well, my office keeps records of everyone's license plates and I got a call from the receptionist this morning saying that someone called in that a truck was practically on top of my car and they were concerned. They also knew who the truck belonged to. Not only that, there are e-mails flying all over my office about how his car is on top of mine and how it's not the first time he's done it - it's like a scandal! HA!! The best part is he's in upper management and this does not look good for him. Why am I secretly tickled by this? :)

In a funny postscript to this story...someone at my office, who I don't even know, took a digital picture of his car on mine and it got around to about five people before it hit my inbox. Which changes the focus of this post for me from "He Deserves It" to "Co-workers - Get a Life!"

"Emotionally Unavailable?" What the F&#@?!

How many episodes of Dr. Phil do you have to watch before you start actually using those kinds of terms in daily conversation? I was recently asked out by a guy named "Rich."** I hesitated to go because the guy seemed like a flake, but was talked into it by well-meaning friends. After a great date, two actually, he wanted to get together again, asked me out for dinner the following weekend, even wanted me to meet his kids. Then I get a phone call later in the week where he leaves a message saying that he's really sorry but he's just "emotionally unavailable" right now. Is he serious? Who says that stuff? I'm actually thinking of becoming "emotionally cold and distant" because I think "emotionally cold and distant" can kick "emotionally unavailable's" ass any time.
He also called himself a "metrosexual" sometime during the date. So I was on a date with an "emotionally unavailable metrosexual" (My father would be so proud). He asked me to call him back to talk about this because as he says, "Talking's good." I called him back to suggest that he cancel his membership to the Cosmo Self-Help Book of the Month Club, as it really wasn't doing him any favors.
Hearing him use those terms brought to mind a particular pet peeve of mine - stupid clichés. You've heard them, probably at work...Think outside the box. Don't drop the ball. Walk the walk. There must be a disconnect somewhere. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. And my newest favorite...going forward...
Or maybe you've had someone say this to you in a relationship..."It's not about you," or "I'm just not in a good place right now."
Considering how much those types of phrases annoy me, it's a little ironic that I fell victim to a cliché-slinging emotionally unavailable metrosexual. Oh well..no use crying over spilled perfume.

**Rich actually is his real name, the name has not been changed to protect the innocent. I just put it in quotes because after all of those clichés he was throwing around, at this point he has become somewhat of a caricature.