Open Mouth...Insert Foot

God, I hate when I do this...I was driving back from lunch today with my friend Elizabeth (she went with me to pick up my new "Rehab is for Quitters" T-Shirt). Elizabeth is your steroetypical beautiful blonde southern California girl. The kind with long blonde hair, who actually looks beautiful without makeup. I would never have pegged her as a geek. So we're driving along and we passed a white SUV with stickers on the back from a local high school. It had a cheerleading emblem on one side of the back window and a colorguard emblem on the other. Now I don't know about your high school, but the lowest life form at mine was the colorguard (and maybe the ROTC). Anyway, I notice the emblem and say to Elizabeth, "Were there any bigger losers at your high school than the colorguard losers?" And of course she responds, "I was in the colorguard!" and then tops it off with "Well...that and ROTC." Crap.

HA! He Deserves It....

So there's this guy I work with, who I actually used to date. "Date" is a relative term for something that was off and on for about a year in which I pretty much got thrashed. Anyway, I drive a little VW Cabrio and he drives a really big Yukon and in a weak attempt to continue to flirt with me, he often times will drive right up to my car so he's pressed up against my front bumper. He's done it so often that I came out last week to find my front license plate hanging from one screw looking really pathetic.
Well, my office keeps records of everyone's license plates and I got a call from the receptionist this morning saying that someone called in that a truck was practically on top of my car and they were concerned. They also knew who the truck belonged to. Not only that, there are e-mails flying all over my office about how his car is on top of mine and how it's not the first time he's done it - it's like a scandal! HA!! The best part is he's in upper management and this does not look good for him. Why am I secretly tickled by this? :)

In a funny postscript to this story...someone at my office, who I don't even know, took a digital picture of his car on mine and it got around to about five people before it hit my inbox. Which changes the focus of this post for me from "He Deserves It" to "Co-workers - Get a Life!"

I HATE American Idol!!

I've become reality TV junkie. I used to pride myself on the fact that I only watched the first season of Survivor and then just said NO to reality TV. Then a little more creeped in and I started watching just the last two episodes of each Bachelor and Bachelorette series (but not anymore - do those girls actually beg to stay on?). Who really needed to see all of the lead up episodes anyway, really the end result is all that matters, right? When the Apprentice came out I was glued to the first season because I figured it was about business and that's cool - I figured it wouldn't have the drama of the other shows. And of course, I'm a huge country music fan, so I started watching Nashville Star. Seeing a downward spiral here? Yup. I'm hooked. There is no justification in the world for the amount of frustration I felt for missing last week's Nashville Star because I was on an airplane. Several weeks ago my oldest daughter talked me into letting her stay up to watch America's Next Top Model, a show whose premise I am inherently against, and guess what? Yeah, I'm into it. So when my girls wanted to watch American Idol, at first I said no way. I think Simon What's-his-name is an arrogant, pompous ass who probably doesn't have an ounce of musical talent. I hear he was a producer or something like that in Europe, but seriously, who ever heard of him before this gig? And Paula Abdul? I actually liked her in the '80's and she's definitley better than Simon, but it's not like she was ever anything bigger than a pop princess with a couple CD's. And the other guy - who's he? Not only do I hate the judges, but why do I have to watch it two days in a row if I want to find out who gets voted off? Talk about marketing genius. So I've been watching it for a few weeks with my girls and they're really sick of every time Ryan Seacrest walks out, me saying, "who ever told THAT guy he has talent?!" They remind me that I say that every single week. But no one has ever given me an acceptable answer to that question. (By the way, I also have a standard comment for every time Tyra Banks gets down to the elimination phase on the model show - "DRAAAAA-MAA!!!!!!! My girls are sick of hearing that, too.) Back to American Idol...So I get hooked on the stupid show, even start pulling for a couple of the contestants and manage to ignore the judges. And then Constantine gets voted off?! What's that about? He's the only one with any talent on that show! Did you hear him do Bohemian Rhapsody? That's a nearly impossible song to sing and he nailed it! I'd had enough by then, but I hear Paula's reaction would have made me whip out the DRAMA line again. So he gets voted off while the chubby guy stays? And how about the blonde kid? Didn't Clay Aiken meet the American Idol Whimpy Finalist quota already? That's it, I'm done. I refuse to get sucked into any more reality TV in the future. Although I think I would be a good candidate for one. I'm thinking of approaching Bill Gates with this idea - he gives me ten million dollars and follows me around with a camera crew. I would do great things with the money, help people the world over, and he'd get all the credit. The American people might want romance or drama, and they're going to want to feel good about the outcome. That's easy - I could hire a really hot assistant to carry my briefcase, who I would get briefly involved with (romance) and then eventually break his heart (drama). In the end, of course, I'll decide that in addition to being hot (and younger than me of course), the fact that he can cook and absolutely adores me is enough to make a go of it (GREAT outcome). I think I'm on to something here. What d'ya think?

Bands I've Seen Blog

Ok, I got this from the Bored at the Beach blogsite: (I hope I'm doing this right!)

Copy and paste this list, keep the bands you have seen that match these on your blog post, add a * to it, erase any bands on here you HAVE NOT seen and replace them with ones you have until you reach 25.

1. Dixie Chicks
2. John Mellencamp***
3. Peter Gabriel
4. Jimmy Buffet
5. Duran Duran**
6. Gavin DeGraw
7. Bruce Springsteen***
8. U2***
9. Eagles
10. Elton John
11. Journey
12. Billy Joel*
13. Tom Petty*
14. B52's*
15. Bon Jovi*
16. Jackson Browne
17. James Taylor
18. Sting
19. Rod Stewart
20. Michael Tolcher
21. Howard Jones***
22. Jennifer Knapp
23. Ozzy Osbourne*
24. Faith Hill
25. The Pretenders*

Honey.....I'm Hoooome...

I'm back from what was probably the best trip of my entire life! That's saying a lot, trust me. I went all the way to New York and did basically nothing - no Ground Zero, no Central Park, no Statue of Liberty, no hard core shopping - and it was the time of my life. I have one brother who lives in SOHO and the other in the East Village and I'm not sure I left those ten square blocks the entire trip. In fact, the most shopping I did was to buy a T-Shirt from Yellow Rat Bastard, just because I wanted to be able to say I shopped at a store called Yellow Rat Bastard (hey, you can't say that in CA!).

I did learn a lot, however...

• That my brother John has some of the coolest friends on Earth, and if I lived there I would never leave either.
• That I have some of the coolest friends on Earth, and I was lucky enough to have a couple of them come visit me while I was there. I definitely need to get to the East Coast more often.
• That Johnny has become so much more relaxed, is no longer over-protective, and has finally realized that I'm a big girl.
• That my younger brother Jarod is really getting a kick out of taking over as the Protective Big Brother, and did a stellar job with hysterical results.
• That when Jarod saves me from myself and a 24 year old puppy dog groupie, just say thanks and smile (even if the 24 year old groupie happens to be really hot).
• That even though the three of us didn't technically grow up together (Jarod is our step brother), and we certainly were not born into any kind of blood pact, there are certain things that we will undoubtedly take to our graves. No matter what. What do they say, "What happens in New York..." yeah, you know the rest.

Off to the Big Apple!

I'm hopping on a red eye tonight to New York City and I can't wait!! I have two brothers who both live in the city, one eight years older than me, and one who is actually a step-brother but just as close, eight years younger than me. My older brother will always see me as his baby sister, regardless of how old I am or how much I have done in life. He has always been WAY over-protective and has literally called me ten times today. He wants to make sure I don't over-pack, I don't get off at the wrong station on my way into the city, and that I know where I will lose cell service in case of an emergency. I once stayed with him for a summer while I was in college and I worked for a temp agency in the city. He wanted to walk me to the interview, so once outside the building I said, "Okay, thanks Johnny. See ya later!" Nope. He not only went into the building with me, but up the elevator, into the reception area, and then he actually went into the office of the guy interviewing me and introduced himself! Most people are embarrassed by their parents at some point in their lives - they didn't have an older brother named Johnny. He also told me that if I ever rode the subway alone, he would send me right home. Of course on my first day, they sent me somewhere downtown and I had ten minutes to get there. There was NO WAY I was going to tell my boss that I couldn't take the subway because my big brother would be mad. He never did find out.
Here's what's funny about all of this, something that Johnny has somehow forgotten...I have traveled all over the world. I've ridden and mastered public transportation in Beijing, Singapore, Hong Kong, and yes, even the rail system in Calcutta, not to mention several other of the world's largest cities. I've trekked through the Andes with nothing but a GPS to find my way home, explored the Amazon in a canoe, survived Carnival in Brazil. I was 150 miles from the epi-center of the 8.1 earthquake in Peru while it was happening! But God knows...In case you never hear from me again - send help! I may still be wandering aimlessly around Penn Station.

Attack of the Killer Green Make-Up

I'm not a huge TV fan, but unfortunately the shows I do watch, I can't get enough of. One of them is Law & Order. I can watch it ten times a day if I have the chance (and if I ever stay home from work, I do, considering they play it on TNT at least that many times). I'm a huge fan of the original and I'm sure I've seen every episode at least a couple times - I never get sick of it! As soon as hear the "buh-bom" I already know I've seen it. I cried when Jerry Orbach died like he was a relative.
I think they've made some poor casting choices in recent years (that blonde ADA, Serena...and how about the one right now with the way annoying voice? I don't even know her name), but I'm loyal. I decided to boycott SVU when it first came out, as a display of solidarity to Briscoe and Curtis, who were the cops on the original at the time, but eventually got hooked on that one too. I even got hooked on Criminal Intent after I finally gave it a chance, and it's not that easy to watch that main guy when he's thinking hard.
So I decided to give Trial by Jury a chance this last Friday night (which probably cements my spot in the 'Get a Life' Hall of Fame), mainly because it was a continuation from the original series which aired on Wednesday where Det. Greene got shot. The main ADA is Bebe Neuwirth. I loved her on Cheers, even though she also has an annoying voice. I honestly could not even concentrate on the show because her face was green! At first I thought it was some bad angle, or maybe my TV, but no...I checked out every other woman on the show and they looked fine. Really nice and healthy. Every time they would cut to her face, I swear, it was green! It's like someone at the Clinique counter told her that if she puts that funky colored yellow and green make-up on, it will take ten years off her age. Has anyone ever fallen for that and actually bought the yellow and green make-up? Apparently Bebe has. Again, I ask...doesn't anyone love her enough to say, "No, Bebe. That's the make-up you wore for the horror flick. Here, try this one." I think I may have just found the one off-shoot of Law & Order that I actually can't watch. I'm too distracted by her green face, wondering if she showed up for work on the wrong set that morning.

Capitalism at it's best...

My mom and I made a quick run to Mexico this last weekend to do a little shopping. I live about an hour and half north of the border, so it's an easy turn around for some low priced stuff. Unless we're going farther south than Tijuana, we don't bother driving a car in - waiting in line at the border to get back over usually takes hours. So we park on the US side of the border and walk over, and then get through the line to walk back over to the US in about ten minutes. So I have no idea what was going on this last Saturday to make the line a mile long. People were standing in the walk-through line for over an hour and a half to get back over. This was totally unacceptable! It was hot, crowded, and smelling like Tijuana on a hot and crowded day - pretty gross. We had no choice but to get in the line, and as we're standing there, barely moving, people keep driving by towards the front of the line on these little tiny bicycles. They looked like very small children's two-wheelers with the training wheels removed. The first few that drove by just looked like college kids being funny - they were obviously too big to be riding these bikes. The next few that went by weren't even being ridden. The couple who had them were just pushing them up towards the front of the line. One woman, wearing a mini skirt and high-heeled sandals, pushed hers by us and the chain wasn't even on! Pretty soon people are walking by actually carrying their bikes. They were all headed towards the front of the line, and none of them were being turned back. My mom, who speaks Spanish, asked the guy behind us what it was all about. Apparently, there is a separate line at the border crossing for those on bicycles (I guess in case anyone is crazy enough to legitimately ride their bike into Tijuana). So a couple of enterprising young men will rent you a little bike on the Mexico side for 5 bucks, let you ride, push or carry the thing over the border, while their partners are on the other side to retrieve the bikes when you're done, and walk them back over the border! Why didn't I think of that?!

Love this...#2

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway."
~Mother Teresa

And the winner of the "What The HELL Was She Thinking?" Category is...

Hideous

I realize that our country is a mere 200 years old, a little more. I realize we don't have the tradition, history or ancestory of the British. But Cooommee Onnnn..........Doesn't anyone love her enough to tell her that's not okay? Not even her mummy?

Camilla's hat wasn't so hot, either, and this is the woman Charles cheated on Princess Diana with? Please.

So Camilla (and daughter with the hideous hat - whatever your name is)...if you're reading this, and I'm sure you are...whoever told you that birds nests were haute couture were kidding! You should have called me first.

Back in the Day

I received an e-mail recently that took me WAAAYYY back. It was one of those that reminds you of what life was like when you were growing up. It brought back so many funny memories and experiences that not only I went through, but everyone in my generation. I was born in the '60's, so you may or may not be able to relate to these depending on your age. Here are some things that I remember...Indulge me.

• I remember learning how to ride a bike by my older sister letting go of the sissy bar while pushing me down a 70 degree incline, yelling at me to stop before I reached the intersection. She taught me how to ski in much the same way (there were no snowboards).
• I remember playing in my Wonder Years-like master planned community in south Orange County, where every time I got in trouble with my friend Jacqui, not only did her mom bust us, but then she marched me back to my house where she told my mom the whole story. The general opinion back then was that it took a village to raise a child, and there was safety in that.
• I remember my brother sending me to kindergarten with a big plastic button on my jumper that said, "Nixon is the 1!"
• I remember my sister kicking Greg Frank's ass when he picked on me for my lisp one too many times.
• I remember getting suspended from first grade because I smacked Greg Frank upside the head with my metal Barbie lunchpail, with a full glass Thermos inside. I guess he didn't learn to stop making fun of me from my sister's ass-kicking. My mom was proud of me and said I could do whatever I wanted during my suspension. I chose the ice cream counter at Thrifty Drugs.
• I remember getting into water/goop fights with my older brother and sister that actually escalated to the point of bringing the hose into the house. We started them off by grabbing everything we could find in a spray or squirt bottle and when we had gone through all of the Flex shampoo, conditioner, and even the dishwashing liquid, we had no choice but to bring in the big guns. Time Out was always called when any of us got something other than water in our eyes. My brother and sister are both older than me and were my heroes back then. They still are.
• I remember the toys back then...lawn darts, BB guns, Click-Clacks, Slip 'n Slides...what were they thinking? :)
• I remember emergency trips to the hospital (I was a very sick kid and these excursions were common) where my mom drove like a bat out of hell to get me there in time, and holding me back with her arm so I wouldn't fly through the windshield. There was no such thing as a car seat and forget using the seat belts. They were only there to burn your butt on really hot summer days.
• I remember my sister and I being allowed to go on dates with our older brother ONLY if he was going to a drive-in and ONLY if we agreed to lay down in the bed of his pick-up while we were on the freeway. Anything else, of course, would have been dangerous. He covered us with a blanket, and tied down the blanket so IT would not fly out.
• I remember my brother's idea of babysitting my sister and I was to stretch out the feet of our zip-up flannel pajamas (while we were in them), tie them into a knot and hang us from a doorknob.
• I remember my dad buying my mom the very first Ford Thunderbird with power EVERYTHING! Then one summer while on a roadtrip up north, the power windows went out while the windows were up and then the air conditioning quit. My dad would yell at the three of us in the back seat to all pile over on the far side of the car so that he could open the door a bit while we were moving to let in some fresh air. He didn't want any of us to fall out on the freeway, because remember...seat belts were out of the question.
• I remember riding in the back of a station wagon, or if we were riding in the Thunderbird, lying across the back up against the rear window.
• I remember my brother and his friends hiding in the bushes and throwing dirt clods at our neighbor Holly Veloux, knowing now that he probably had a crush on her.
• I remember building forts, making mud-pies, blind man's bluff, learning to ride our skateboards on a hill, speeding down that same hill on our bikes, knowing if our chains fell off we were just screwed. But that was all okay as long as we headed home when the street lights came on.
• I remember 1979 well because it was the year of our first microwave, VCR and stereo that you could record on without having to be quiet. My family stood around the microwave for hours putting absolutely everything we could find in it for exactly ten seconds while standing by in amazement when it actually got hot! Our VCR had a remote, but it was attached to the VCR by a long cord and we had to move the couch three feet closer to the TV so we could actually USE the remote. And the stereo...My dad demonstrated how to tape Kenny Roger's The Gambler album (yup, vinyl) onto a cassette tape, and in an overly dramatic tone said, "SEE? You can TALK while it's recording!" while we all stood together and marveled at modern technology.

My parents had the same best friends for thirty years, who also happened to live up the street. For awhile our families were so intertwined, we weren't sure who lived where. Then one of their sons, Steve, died in a plane crash. He was the sweetest and kindest of all the kids. The Wonder Years were officially over, but not without leaving behind some incredible memories.

We went to high school, started driving, changed friends, and life went on. Not that life became less exciting, but that's another story...

Love this...

"Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple."
Barry Switzer (1937 -)

Random Recommendations

I've read some great books lately that may have been around for awhile but they were new to me. Here are a few:

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
by Dave Eggers

The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Volume I
by Anaïs Nin

The Traveler's Gift
by Andy Andrews

Wild at Heart
by John Eldridge

At the Scent of Water
by Linda Nichols

Check 'em out.

The Midnight Phone Call that went 'Sideways...'

Part I...
This past weekend my friends and I had a 'Sideways' party and I think everyone should have one. We rented the movie 'Sideways,' went to the wine bar down the street and had the head wine guy (whatever you call him) make a list of several of the wines that the characters in the movie drink along their journey up north. If you haven't seen the movie, it's about two friends taking a roadtrip from southern to northern California, stopping along the way to meet various people, eat at different restaurants, and whatever else they do - by the time the movie got any further, we were pretty well into our wine tasting and the rest is fuzzy. (We grossly underestimated the effects of seven bottles of wine on four people, and none of us can quite remember how the movie ended.) As they drank and discussed the different wines in the movie, we tasted them right along with them, along with feasting on some yummy food which we all brought. It was actually a great time for a night at home.

Part II...
We've all heard of the Midnight Phone Call, or some variation. While in high school, my friends and I defined the Midnight Phone Call and decided that it really had nothing to do with midnight as long as it had two key elements:
1. It's always made after dark
2. It's always made after alcohol has been consumed

So, how do these two things come together?
After my Jimmy Buffet concert the other night, I made the Midnight Phone Call. Now, I would never make a Midnight Phone Call to anyone who didn't think I was incredibly cute and funny, and happy to be on the receiving end of it (but if they weren't, I would be too intoxicated to know, wouldn't I?). On that particular night, I made the Midnight Phone Call to my cute and sweet friend on the east coast who I will be visiting next week. It went to voice mail - it was 3:00 AM there - but he did not hesitate to call me first thing in the morning to not only have a few laughs over my state the night before, but threaten to blackmail me with some of the things I said.

Back to the 'Sideways' party...I told my friend Chera about the Midnight Phone Call that I made to our friend on the east coast and we had a good laugh over it. During the movie, however, the main guy, Miles, has a bit too much to drink, walks to the back of the restaurant and calls his ex-wife, basically embarrassing himself. Just as Chera and I are yelling, "He made the Midnight Phone Call!", Miles' friend (whatever his name was) says, "Miles...what's wrong? Miles...did you Drink and Dial?" Of course we cracked up, thinking we had a brand new term for the Midnight Phone Call. So what does Steph do on her way home? Of course, she makes yet ANOTHER Midnight Phone Call to the same poor guy on the east coast to tell him about the new term and how funny the whole thing was.

One Drink and Dial...cute and funny.
Two Drink and Dials...well I guess I'll find out next week.

Parrot Head Mission Accomplished!

I did it! I got through a Jimmy Buffet concert pretty much unscathed (See "Parrot Head Reunion" below)! I'm still planning on catching the concert at Wrigley Field in September, but I was surprised yesterday with tickets to see him at the Arrowhead Pond where my company has a private box. I've gotten to use the box many times, but never for something as fun as this. And it was a success - I didn't lose a thing, no beer in my face, no falling down a flight of stairs, and my car was intact when I got back to the parking lot! The only tiny little mishap was I accidentally spilled an entire apple martini on one of the VP's, but luckily we're friends and it was just funny. I'm back on the bird! :)

Pet Peeve #3

Not to keep harping on pet peeves, but here's another one...people who don't say thank you when you open the door for them. I will open a door for someone - male or female - if I get there first, and it drives me crazy when I do that for someone and they can't even say thanks. I must admit, women are the worst offenders. My building has a lot of long hallways with separating doors and to get around anywhere, you're walking through three or four doors. There is almost no courtesy from some women in this building. It's almost as if they expect it. Maybe they do...some men are very chivalrous and won't allow a woman to open their own door. I'm okay with that, too. But do they expect it from another woman? Drives me nuts.

It Happens in Threes...

It hasn't been scientifically proven, but it does seem to happen that great people die in threes.
Right now, let's see...First the Pope, then Prince Rainier of Monaco. Who will be next? Maybe Bush? Oh no, damnit! It has to be someone great.

Pet Peeve #2

You know what really makes me mad? That every time I drive through a fast food place, I get served diet instead of regular Coke! I admit I'm an addict. I admit that I'm powerless to my problem and my life has become unmanageable. I drink Coke in the morning like most people drink coffee. I HAVE to have it or I don't feel quite right. I even avoid fast food restaurants where I know they serve Pepsi - it's that bad. I also don't like Coke out of a can first thing in the morning. It's okay in desperation any other time of day, but first thing in the morning, I need it from a fountain. Here's the problem with that...since I'm inherently lazy and don't want to get out of my car, I'm relying on the woman at the drive through window, who invariable gives me diet. I'm not a big person - I've been told I belong on a keychain. What is it about my 5'1'', 95 lb. frame that makes her think I need diet? Or is she just so used to women ordering diet that we've all been lumped together? But I'm an optimist, and I continue to think they can handle it. So even though I drive through, I end up having to park and get out of my car to correct the situation. I just don't think buying a morning beverage should be so much work.

"Emotionally Unavailable?" What the F&#@?!

How many episodes of Dr. Phil do you have to watch before you start actually using those kinds of terms in daily conversation? I was recently asked out by a guy named "Rich."** I hesitated to go because the guy seemed like a flake, but was talked into it by well-meaning friends. After a great date, two actually, he wanted to get together again, asked me out for dinner the following weekend, even wanted me to meet his kids. Then I get a phone call later in the week where he leaves a message saying that he's really sorry but he's just "emotionally unavailable" right now. Is he serious? Who says that stuff? I'm actually thinking of becoming "emotionally cold and distant" because I think "emotionally cold and distant" can kick "emotionally unavailable's" ass any time.
He also called himself a "metrosexual" sometime during the date. So I was on a date with an "emotionally unavailable metrosexual" (My father would be so proud). He asked me to call him back to talk about this because as he says, "Talking's good." I called him back to suggest that he cancel his membership to the Cosmo Self-Help Book of the Month Club, as it really wasn't doing him any favors.
Hearing him use those terms brought to mind a particular pet peeve of mine - stupid clichés. You've heard them, probably at work...Think outside the box. Don't drop the ball. Walk the walk. There must be a disconnect somewhere. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. And my newest favorite...going forward...
Or maybe you've had someone say this to you in a relationship..."It's not about you," or "I'm just not in a good place right now."
Considering how much those types of phrases annoy me, it's a little ironic that I fell victim to a cliché-slinging emotionally unavailable metrosexual. Oh well..no use crying over spilled perfume.

**Rich actually is his real name, the name has not been changed to protect the innocent. I just put it in quotes because after all of those clichés he was throwing around, at this point he has become somewhat of a caricature.